I have seen the future, and it is not the Double Down.

[This post was sent to me at 3:58pm yesterday afternoon. G:TB Special Correspondent Marls, for reasons only known to him and his imam, chose to sacrifice his body for the greater good and eat a KFC Double Down sandwich. His tale is below.]

By the grace of God and my convoluted work schedule, today was the perfect day to try the mythical bunless wonder. After getting to the office at 5:30 this morning in order to get some work done, around 11 I journeyed up to the House that Jeter Built for a client event. After several morning/early afternoon beers at Stans and a random discussion with the Z-Man's sister, it was time to head to Penn station for my 3 pm train to DC. I arrived several minutes early, just in time to grab a quick bite. But what to get? Then, like a beacon in the night, the Tim Hortons/Taco Bell/KFC combo counter called out to me. After waiting in line for 15 min, I was awarded my prize. Two pieces of the Harland Sanders' chicken sandwiching two strips of bacon, a slice of jack cheese, and KFC special sauce. I not have been more let down since realizing that Mrs. Paci did not actually make those beans. Here is why...

1. Appearance: Not that fast food ever does, but this thing doesn't look like the sandwich in the commercial at all. The chicken is irregular shaped and the fixins are squishing out all over. Basically, it looks like a pile of crap. A pile of crap that you are expected to eat. Not a good start.

2. Taste: This is where I expected the DD to shine. Released from the shackles of the bun, I expected the chicken, the cheese, the bacon, the sauce, and the 11 herbs and spices to shine through, to explode into one's mouth Peter North style. Nope. Tastes like some chicken with bacon and cheese. The sauce is ok, but the whole thing was still rather dry. The Col. found a way to make bones almost edible and popcorn style chicken, but somehow they can't keep this pile of fat and goo moist. I just don't understand.

3. Eatability: Trying to eat this thing is a flat out shitshow. The neat little package shown on TV becomes an oozing, greasy mess in reality. It turns out that the Earl of Sandwich really knew what the fuck he was talking about when he put meat et al. between two slices of bread. The bun serves a purpose folks. It allows us to eat messy foods while not looking like half starved Neanderthals. In this one moment I realized what a perfect and under appreciated delivery system the bun is. The little paper condom that KFC gives you to hold this thing is useless. In the end, you are left holding the greasy, half eaten remains of a chicken cutlet. Not good times.

Clearly, you can see I am not a fan. However, this may need to be something every man & Shlara experience for themselves. Just remember, bread is not the enemy, it is a long overlooked friend that may be full of calories, but is around when you need them...kinda like Swint.