Positively Patriotic

Three words:

America. Fuck Yeah.

Welcome to America Week at G:TB

What that means exactly is yet to be determined...but we'll start this one off slow and easy...to a place we've kinda sorta went before...classic rock shoot out here we come...with the plants and birds and rocks and things...

Picture Not Included

Naked ex-mayor arrested at campsite
Gainesville’s Musselwhite denies causing earlier trouble

By Alexis Stevens
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Friday, June 26, 2009

A former mayor found sitting naked and holding a beer at a Rabun County campsite told police he wasn’t the same naked man seen walking around earlier.

Mark Musselwhite, 43, said he was hot and had been in the creek, according to a Georgia Department of Natural Resources incident report. He apparently didn’t think he was doing anything wrong.

For the Ladies

In recognition of our recent tilt towards the lad magazine side of the bookstore, we offer a little eye candy for the ladies in the audience.

(Insipid Michael Jackson tribute forthcoming, in case you were wondering.)

R.I.P. Farrah

Farrah Fawcett passed away today. Though a large portion of the G:TB sphere of influence wasn't old enough to appreciate her in "Charlie's Angels" or the poster on the back of your bedroom door (see below), here's to one of the female icons of Rob's and my youth.

Because We're in the Sports Doldrums

U.S.A vs. Spain in the Confederations Cup semifinals at 2:30 today. Who you got?

My New Favorite Lefty

When I was 10, I pitched a perfect game for the Redstone Arsenal A's. Later, my sweeping, Barry Zito-esque curveball earned me a spot on the All-Star team in the North Arlington Wiffleball League, until Whitney learned to lean into it to stop it from reaching the beach chair/strike zone. And that's about the extent of my pitching career, stunted as it was by an unfeeling society's choice to value of the size of a hurler's frame as opposed to his heart.

Imagine my vicarious thrill, then, when the Cincinnati Reds recalled young lefty Daniel Ray Herrera, all 5'6" of him, a few weeks ago. No novelty act, Danny, as he's proceeded to record a 2.22 ERA in 28 1/3 innings, striking out 20 despite a modicum of wildness.

Our similarities don't end at size, I might add. As his obviously accurate wikipedia entry notes (and as little guys across the world nod in recognition): "He is a notorious ladies man, known for leaving women yearning in every city." Good for you, Danny.

Hall of Fame Self-Congratulation

I tuned into NBC.com's coverage of the U.S. Open just in time to hear Johnny Miller say of Tiger Woods, "Maybe he can shoot a Johnny Miller round." I'll give him credit - it's hard to pull off back-patting of that difficulty without straining something.

Untitled

Yeah, this is shamelessly obvious and lazy. Sue me.

A little help from the gallery

So, this discussion at lunch today should be opened to the crowd. Best non (or minimal) dialogue scene in a movie? Here's my vote:

Am I the Only One Thinking This?

I'm just saying...

Giving Back to the G:TB Community

G:TB superfan KQ weighs in this morning with a relevant and topical content suggestion. This is brilliant on a number of levels.

A Case of the Mondays

Here's hoping this picture makes Whit and Wheelhouse Jerry feel just a little bit better. Coincidentally, this is exactly my sentiment upon starting another work week:

(h/t to Surviving Grady)

Gheorghe Quotes the Classics: Vol. 5

As usual, wisdom:

"If me saying bullshit on television after midnight is going to push your little damn brat over the deep end, you're just a crappy parent." -- Charles Barkley

When you're right, you're right.

Courtesy of Sports Illustrated

We Are the Three Amigos

We are the three-hee ah-haaaaaaa-migos!

Why do I find this photo of Charlie Villanueva and Rudy Gay flanking Hasheem Thabeet so interesting? It's not that Rudy and Charlie are flashing conflicting signs. It's not Charlie dressing like he's about to tailgate for a Dave Matthews show. And it's not Rudy's enormous watch. It's Hasheem and his faux pimp shades. They're fantastic. Beyond fantastic, actually. He's like a cross between this guy from Commando and Predator and Billie Dee Williams. The over/under for children he bears out of wedlock by age 30 is currently at 3.5.

Yours Truly, Beer Troll Slurs

So I had a minute or two yesterday afternoon and stumbled upon one of the dumbest time-wasters imaginable. Obviously, I got sucked right in. Herewith, the results of plugging the G:TB staff into wordsmith.org's Internet Anagram Server:

Teejay: Had Motel Joys

Yes, he did. Unfortunately, he can't remember any of them.

Whitney: Teeny Whistler

Sad but true.

Also, for Whit: Three Style Win (randy!) and Sterile New Thy (um, not so randy)

Mark: Hark He Smug

This anagram thingy is pretty freaking smart.

TR (we had to go with his full given name): Hazy Tern Vomit

Or, the alternative, which the political geek in me enjoyed, Man Rove Thy Zit

(Note from TR: If you use my full first, middle and last names, you get the splendid metaphor for my high school years: Variant Homely Zit)

Just for fun, I looked up Friends of G:TB Shlara (Racer Goat) and KQ, who's happy not to be related to the old salt from Jaws (Nae Her Kin Quint).

But nothing compared to the piece de resitance, from Dennis: A Balding Sour
He had 26,807 results, but I stopped after getting Yahtzee with this one.

As Geoff just said to me

this pic nicely sums up the Nats season:

H/T - the Steinbog of course

Late addition - G:TB Play Along at Home Contest

What, pray tell, is Mr. Lerner doing in the photo below? Does he have in invisible Playstation PSP? Are his the world's smallest thumbs? Is he measuring Rob Dibble's head? Your guesses in the comments, please. Winner gets a copy of the new Kids in the Hall DVD, or Stan Kasten's nail clippings, whichever costs less.

Sometimes it's just way too easy

Man with crossbow arrested while picking psychedelic mushrooms

MANATEE COUNTY - A 19-year-old Manatee County man was arrested Friday after he was found in a cow pasture collecting psychedelic mushrooms while carrying a crossbow, the Manatee County Sheriff’s Office said.
Jeffery Moore and three others were spotted by a Manatee County Sheriff’s helicopter in a cow pasture in the 2400 block of 38th Avenue East. According to the sheriff’s report, Moore was seen lying face down in an attempt to conceal himself from the helicopter’s spotlight.

Moore was found holding a small crossbow and sling shot. He told deputies that the weapons were for protection in case the cows in the pasture came at him. Moore also told deputies that he was in the pasture collecting mushrooms for drug consumption.

Moore faces charges in the armed trespassing.

"He told deputies that the weapons were for protection in case the cows in the pasture came at him." Well, at least he came prepared.

Zack Morris Lives

As per rob's request:



Wait, people watch Jimmy Fallon?

Chinese Democracy!

I know you think we've forgotten, but we haven't! We're still working on our group review of the new latest GN'R album Chinese Democracy. We've had a few changes in our lineup, as you know, some comings and goings from the Gheorghe staff and such, so we're going to have a new take on this. It will be well worth the anticipation! Look for it sometime in 2011. Or 2012. 2013 at the latest. I swear!

Gheorghecast: the Archive

rob's a real pain in the ass and wanted just one link for all of our podcasts. Well, here's your link, asshat.

Gheorghecast: Volume I

Gheorghecast: Volume II

Gheorghecast: Volume III

And while you're all here, thought I might introduce you to G:TB's new spokesmodel, Elena Gheorghe...

Feliz Cumpleaños to our tiniest contributor

Only one year away from the end...enjoy the next 365 dias roberto, you dapper Sciurus carolinensis...

Every set piece has its thorn

One of our handful of readers emailed this to me last night...you'd think after 20 years on stage Bret Michaels would be a bit more cognizant of his surroundings:

A Cautionary Tale

Be careful out there this weekend, my friends.

Rainy Day Ghoogles

As always, some of these amuse me, some frighten me and some just make me wonder what's wrong with the world:

• coorslight.com/denvernuggets
  
• bronson arroyo gives up 11 runs toronto blue jays
  
• lets give this another try
• tostitos black guy commercial
  
• "g g w k"
  
• scumbag millionaire
  
• pompatus
  
• what is missionary position
  
• jamie feick pictures
  
• did he just say making fuck
  
• present day pandemic
  
• arnold+remember when i promised to kill you last
  
• blogspot + "shudder to think"
  
• kiss me or you ganna lose (this was on arabic google, so someone probably lost a hand just entering that search)
  
• porn star tyrone hill
  
• Donovan McNabb sister
  
• terrence williams june 2009
  
• i hate kyle
  
• missionary position
  
• ryan atwood fluffer
  
• prince markie dee- typical reasons
  
• is this real tomato ketchup
  
• hammerhan bucking for a promotion
  
• hockey is awesome
  
• steve sax divorce
  
• flux capacitor fluxing
  
• "don't mess with texas" -video
  
• what is over under game
  
• tim meadows anfernee
  

Let's not lie. This list sucked. This feature sucks. At best, it serves as the NBA Finals Game 1 live blog in the comments. Though I'm sure the Cheech to my Chong might have a full basketball post in the hopper already.

This is what happens when I'm bored

In order to survive a brutal two hour all staff meeting yesterday at work, I attempted to walk through this entire film in my head, one quote at a time...it sure as hell kept me entertained, so I figured today's filler might entertain you as well:

Not that any of you care...

Usually, out of superstition, I try and keep my personal fandom on the sidelines whilst "writing" for this "website". However, when one of my favorite teams (in my favorite sport, no less) reaches the highest point in a strange and eventful franchise history (technically, the highest point is probably their biggest lead against Houston in Game 1 of the 94 Finals. But I try not to talk about the 94 Finals) I say fuck what's interesting to other people and write about what I like.

I'm speaking, of course, of the Orlando Magic and their recent victory over the heavily favored Cleveland Cavaliers in the Eastern Conference Finals. How unlikely was this considered by most? Even thoughtful fans like Jerry told me I was better off doing drugs than investing any sort of time and/or emotion in the Eastern Conference Finals. And you know what? I agreed with him. I didn't think this team would be able to overcome their injuries, imperfections or lack of national interest and be able to triumph over the team with the NBA's best regular season record, MVP and Coach of the Year. (Read that last sentence again.)

So, now that we're staring right at a Lakers-Magic Finals that has the potential to be much, much more entertaining than the Lakers-Cavs series (Aside from LeBron-Kobe, name me one other intriguing matchup in that series...Odom-Varejao? Williams-Fisher?) everyone thought we'd see, the question that begs to be answered is...

How'd We Get Here

The Emergence(s): Their were three key guys who emerged and took their game to new levels during this postseason for Orlando. Each in different ways and each equally as important. That's one of the interesting things about this Magic team. Nearly every piece is vitally important to the whole. Except for JJ Redick, that guy blows.

(1)Rashard Lewis: He established himself as a 4th quarter assassin who could knock down series altering shots when called upon. There's not much better than that in the Playoffs. For a player who literally ran away from the ball multiple times during the 4th quarter of Game 5 of the Celtics series, this is quite a development. He wanted the ball in big spots and came through nearly every time his number was called in this series (aside from Game 5). Lewis probably still isn't a max player and still doesn't take the ball to the rack enough for my taste but the man has proven himself numerous times in these playoffs, so I'm willing to admit he's earned his money.

(2) Mickael Pietrus: The Magic's best bench player in the Playoffs somehow followed a positively disastrous regular season (marked by injuries and inconsistency) up with a postseason in which he became the closest thing to James Posey since...James Posey. Pietrus played great active, physical defense (without fouling a ton or making stupid mistakes, which had been his m.o. defensively) and hit more timely 3s than anybody not named Rashard Lewis. I'll admit it, I was wrong. I didn't love the Pietrus signing. I hated his style of play all regular season and didn't even consider him a possible Playoff X-factor (primarily because he couldn't stay on the floor defensively). Obviously, I was wrong and I'm stupid.

(3) Dwight Howard: Obviously, Dwight dropping 40 in a Conference Final clincher is huge. However, I think Howard's emergence as a leader on this team has been the biggest difference in him during this postseason. As much as the Jameer Nelson injury seemed to spell doom for this Magic team, it may turn out that Nelson's injury was the best thing that could have ever happened to this franchise, as well as Howard's career. See...Nelson was the unquestioned leader of this team. It came natural to him. He's a point guard, he's vocal and he's been through his share of adversity. He organized team retreats each of the last 3 offseasons where he would bring all the guys up to his place near Philly and they'd workout, eat and hangout together, and he'd pay for it all. However, with Jameer injured he couldn't be the leader in the locker room in the same way. There was a void and, it seemed, nobody to fill it. Hedo's a goofball and Rashard Lewis is such a quiet guy that its not really in his nature to be that vocal leader. At some point, Howard decided he needed to fill that void. He demanded the ball, he sent inspirational text messages to his teammates, he started speaking out in the locker room. It's not that Howard changed who he was, he just changed the way he went about things and, ultimately, he became the leader of this team.

Underrated Resiliency

Not many people talked about the Magic's collective heart going into these Playoffs. It wasn't much of a surprise. Teams that make their living by shooting 3s and running aren't generally regarded as the toughest teams mentally or physically (And teams that employ guys like Tyronn Lue and JJ Redick usually suck too). However, if you were paying attention you could see that the mental makeup of this team was much stronger than it appeared on paper. When their leader and All-Star PG went down most people wrote them off. But they made a terrific trade (Are we sure Otis Smith isn't a much, much better GM than Joe Dumars?), quickly integrated a very different style of PG and barely missed a beat. When they blew a big lead in Game 1 against Philly and lost on a shot that I'll give Andre Iguodala all day, most folks wrote them off. Then, when Howard was suspended for Game 6 of the Philly series everybody thought they were done. What did they do? They went into Philly and blew the Sixers out. I could go through a bunch of different scenarios in the Boston series that resulted in the Magic being written off (Going into the series, Howard's press conference, Big Baby's buzzer beater, Game 7 in Boston) but we all know that the Magic found a way to win that series too. Maybe, it wasn't about the other teams all along as much as it was about the Magic's refusal to quit or stop playing their style or belief in one another. Many people have been wrong about this Magic team (myself included) but nobody's ever been more wrong than those who questioned this team's heart and chemistry.

A Few Words on LeBron

First let me start off by saying that I think LeBron is the best player in the NBA. However, I do not think he is the most skilled player in the NBA. His footwork is still very average, he has little to no post moves and his jumpshot is exceedingly average. However, he's absolutely fantastic at what he does and, once his skills catch up to his body and athleticism, will absolutely revolutionize the way we think about and watch the NBA. Now, with that said:

- Defense: LeBron finished second in the Defensive POY voting primarily because of his awe inspiring weakside blocks and anticipation in the passing lanes. That, my friends, is a very small part of defense. LeBron started out the series on Rafer Alston in order to allow him to play the free safety type role in which he excels. However, he too often left Rafer wide open and ended not only giving up jumpshots but also drives to the rim. Furthermore, when Mike Brown finally did decide to put LeBron on either Turkoglu or Lewis there was no real difference in their production level over the course of a game. Maybe this is a product of LeBron having to do so much that the Cavs end up switching him to some easy matchups from time to time in order to rest. There's nothing wrong with that. It does kind of preclude him from the defensive stopper category, though. Shane Battier is a great defensive player, guys like LeBron and Dwyane Wade who make their living by gambling on D are not great defensive players. They too often end up out of position and therefore put their teammates in bad situations. The Magic made LeBron and the Cavs pay for a lot of those gambles.

- Shooting: I've covered this before but LeBron is not a great shooter. His mechanics are bad, he's terribly inconsistent from night to night and he settles for waaay too many long contested 2s. As a Magic fan, every time he took a jumpshot I was happy. It's simply playing the percentages. Go back and take a look at Game 6 (a game where Delonte West and Mo Williams played pretty well by the way), LeBron came out and hit 3 or 4 early jumpers. In my mind, that was the best thing that could happen. Because, unless he's in the zone all night he's going to begin thinking he can hit his jumper consistently and he's going to start settling for it. That's exactly what happened. LeBron's lowest scoring night of the series was the one where he took the most jumpers.

- Style of Play: It might be time to consider this: LeBron's style of play at this point in his career almost forces his teams to play the style of offense that the Cavs and Mike Brown are currently being excoriated for. LeBron both wants and needs the ball in his hands to be successful. And, since he's not a great shooter, teams are going to sag on him a bit in order to prevent the drive. As a result of this, LeBron can't play with guards who aren't good shooters because defenses will sag off of them also (see: Hughes, Larry) and force those guards to hoist jumpers. On top of that, because LeBron is most effective when initiating the offense, the other perimeter players around him are naturally going to spend a good chunk of their time sitting around the three point line. Unless you are a pure shooter like a Wally Sczerbiak (in his prime) or Steve Kerr, its tough to establish much of a rhythm like this. Furthermore, because LeBron doesn't have much post game you can't consistently run your offense through him in the post. The end result is that in order to have the ball in LeBron's hands as much as he wants (and as much as your team needs) you're going to have to let him handle it up top and make decisions. Is this they best way to run an NBA offense? Of course not (Not unless you want to just go ahead and make LeBron your PG). Do the Cavs (or any other team until LeBron diversifies his ways of scoring) have many other viable options? Not that I can see. (For example: Could you run LeBron off a series of baseline screens ala Ray Allen or Rip Hamilton? Maybe, but do you trust him to properly read these screens or to come off these screens and fire up catch-and-shoot jumpers 12-15 times a night when the defense plays it right?)

One last thing: What Happened to Contrary Jerry?

When I first invited myself into this crowd via the blogosphere, Jerry was the intelligent contrarian. He would say things like Peyton Manning wasn't really bad in big games like his reputation suggested, and then he'd back it up with the numbers to prove it. Now, he's writing things like, "I really don't think you can overstate how good LeBron James is right now".

Many Happy Returns

G:TB wishes a happy (or not, depending upon his preference) 40th birthday to Oscar the Grouch. In celebration, a little of his theme song:

Oh, I love trash!
Anything dirty or dingy or dusty
Anything ragged or rotten or rusty
Yes, I love trash.

G:TB's Recession Survival Guide (Part I)

For folks who, like me, have fallen prey to the recession and need ways to stay afloat, I present this tremendous web site.

(Editorial note: I also wanted an excuse to google "grillz" and "gold teeth.")

If that option doesn't appeal to you, allow me to present another option.

Carry on.