G:TB was recently asked by Eric of
The Extrapolator if we could pinch-hit for regular columnist
Gary GNU on one of Extrapolator's enjoyable weekly features,
Voodoo Sabermetrics. G:TB was happy to oblige, as we can only post so many YouTube clips and pictures of
washed-up midgets throwing (I use that term loosely) baseballs. This week's VS victim - Dmitri Young of the hometown Washington Nationals. I was asked to talk about Dmitri's "
clutchness" (someone check with Colbert to see if that's a word)...well, even though I've seen Da Meat Hook play several times this year, I decided we needed to recruit an expert for this discussion. So who did we bring in? Dmitri's
mild-mannered younger brother Delmon, of course. We caught up with Delmon at the nearby Chuck E. Cheese's, in between rounds of his court appointed Whac-A-Mole therapy session. Dmitri's "
clutchness", as told to us by his crazy younger brother:
"First of all, what kind of scale are you using, because I've got to tell you, Dmitri DOES NOT like scales (laughs heartily to himself). No seriously, are we talking about stats here? Look at the trifling 24-35 team he plays for, and look at the clutch line he's putting up (now, we all know I'm 100 times better than him, so even I am impressed with this):
.319, 5 HR, 28 RBI, .401 OBP, .494 SLG
Just think where the Nationals would be WITHOUT Dmitri. And all this after a 2006 that would make Tom Sizemore blush: an assault charge, treatment for alcoholism and depression, a divorce AND hospitalization for diabetes. Hell, the Tigers rubbed salt in the wound by cutting his ass a month before they played in the World Series.
His play on the field not clutch enough for you? How about this - my bro appeared at WWE's 2005 Survivor Series and laid the smackdown on that punk Edge and his skanky sidekick Lita. Dmitri wasn't going to stand for some fake-ass wrestler mocking his team.
Soooo, if you forced me to create a clutchness scale, I would say Dmitri is a 8 out of 10 (with me of course being a 10)...but you're not going to make me actually create a scale, right? Good, because some punk just cut me in line for Skee-Ball, and I need to go pull an 'Elijah' on his ass."
G:TB was recently asked by Eric of The Extrapolator if we could pinch-hit for regular columnist Gary GNU on one of Extrapolator's enjoyable weekly features, Voodoo Sabermetrics. G:TB was happy to oblige, as we can only post so many YouTube clips and pictures of washed-up midgets throwing (I use that term loosely) baseballs. This week's VS victim - Dmitri Young of the hometown Washington Nationals. I was asked to talk about Dmitri's "clutchness" (someone check with Colbert to see if that's a word)...well, even though I've seen Da Meat Hook play several times this year, I decided we needed to recruit an expert for this discussion. So who did we bring in? Dmitri's mild-mannered younger brother Delmon, of course. We caught up with Delmon at the nearby Chuck E. Cheese's, in between rounds of his court appointed Whac-A-Mole therapy session. Dmitri's "clutchness", as told to us by his crazy younger brother:
In other news, the Hot Action softball team finally got a WIN last night, behind Ted's stellar pitching, timely home runs from Ted and Ben AND not-so-abortive fielding.
ReplyDeleteApproximately 1.3% of major league ballplayers have ever used the word "trifling" in a sentence outside of a classroom. The last one to do so in an interview was Lord Baltingsworth DuFourier, sidearm middle reliever for the Seattle Pilots in 1969.
ReplyDeleteGlad to see young Delmon ended that drought.
Apparently you're not familair with the usage of trifling within the hip-hop lexicon, Whitney. As in, "Thats one trifling ass bitch", or something of that manner. As a result, I have to conclude that your statistical analysis is flawed.
ReplyDeleteI'd give long odds on the fact that delmon young knows anything about tom sizemore - unless they were in the same rehab facility
ReplyDeletealso, i believe it's spelled triflin'
Other acceptable substitutions for Sizemore:
ReplyDeleteRobert Downey Jr.
Lindsay Lohan
Nick Nolte
Pacman Jones
Delmon might have been more likely to go with Lawrence Phillips...or Shine...or Suge Knight...as opposed to anyone on TJ's list
ReplyDeleteInteresting tidbit about the Young boys:
ReplyDeleteWhen Delmon Young was made the first overall pick in the 2003 MLB draft, he and his brother became the first siblings to be picked within the top five choices (Dmitri was drafted fourth overall in 1991 by St. Louis). In 2005 however, their record as the top drafted siblings was broken when Justin Upton was drafted first overall by the Arizona Diamondbacks after B.J. Upton was taken second by the Devil Rays in 2003.
I'm taking the Youngs in that tag team match-up.
Though the might not have been drafted quite as highly, I think there's been 3 Drew brothers drafted in the 1st round.
ReplyDeleteAll of them unconscionable pricks.
ReplyDeleteI mean, uh, that's what I heard.
I tend to agree with that sentiment.
ReplyDeleteThat JD Drew signing is turning out awesome. What a great guy he is.
ReplyDeleteThey would've drawn a lot more viewers if the Denver Gold Rush were involved:
ReplyDeleteYou knew Stanley Cup finals ratings had hit a low when Versus' coverage of Game 1 (769,000 viewers) got beat by Food Network's "Build a Better Burger," which attracted 807,000 viewers. But how about this? NBC's coverage of Game 3 drew a 1.1 rating, marking the lowest-rated night in the network's history, according to Street & Smith's Sports Business Daily. Its 1.6 million viewers couldn't match the 1.9 million who watched the movie "Meltdown: Days Destruct" on the Sci-Fi Channel.
If the NHL wants to survive, it needs more strip joint shootings, hired spousal killings, and organized dog fights.
ReplyDeleteDog fighting could be problematic. Its really tought for dogs to get good traction on the ice.
ReplyDeletesled dogs.
ReplyDeleteduh.
That it, Rob and I are gonna fight during next year's NHL Finals.
ReplyDeleteMight have to pay extra for Canadian Broadcasting Channel 178 to actually have the Finals on when you fight.
ReplyDeleteWhat are we going to do when Nick Johnson gets healthy? Think The Meat Tree has any Right Field left in him?
ReplyDeleteMaybe if he's playing for Hot Action.
ReplyDeleteSwint has RF all locked up.
ReplyDeleteDmitri hit a bomb today...and the Nats still managed to blow it in the 9th, losing 3-2.
ReplyDeletethough i think meat tree is a fine nickname for swint
ReplyDeleteSwinty's not tall enough for "Meat Tree". He's more of a "Meat Shrub" or "Meat Bush".
ReplyDeletei think meat shrub is a fine moniker. let's have it tattooed upon his milky skin.
ReplyDeleteMeat stump?
ReplyDeleteMeat Wad? (already a character on Aqua Teen Hunger Force)
ReplyDeleteHow bad are the ratings going to be for the NBA Finals? I went to a wine tasting at my girlfriends parents restaurant last night and I wasn't even remotely annoyed that I had to go. And, I buy the NBA package every year.
ReplyDeleteThey might not be that bad b/c LeBron's got a lot of hype. But he's being dismantled by the Spurs.
ReplyDeleteDid MJ ever go a whole half in the playoffs with out scoring a field goal?
LeBron is the only reason that these Finals won't be as lowly rated as the Pistons-Spurs Final. however, if he can't produce more fireworks than last night I cna't see the average fan sticking around for many more games.
ReplyDeleteI'm enjoying the work of Daniel Gibson. He's like LeBron's BJ Armstrong.
ReplyDeleteExcept not homosexual, more athletic, and able to purchase alcohol without nearly as much difficulty.
ReplyDeleteBJ Armstrong married a hot white chick who had an MBA. True story.
ReplyDelete