In light of recent events...

I wanted to wish everyone a Happy Cinco de Mayo a few days early (enjoy it folks, because unless Dennis has something for us, it's gonna be another sloooow week at GTB)...

"How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?"

We're bringing back a GTB Friday favorite today, a quick glance at the world of sports through the eyes of an 80's classic, Mel Brooks' Spaceballs (and to save Drew the effort of filling up the comments section, yes, this entire concept is stolen from Bill Simmons - my version is just much shorter and less funny)...

"Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs-the T-shirt, Spaceballs-the Coloring Book, Spaceballs-the Lunch box, Spaceballs-the Breakfast Cereal, Spaceballs-the Flame Thrower...the kids love this one"...but apparently not as much as folks love Duke Lacrosse merchandise. They can't keep the stuff on the shelves down in Durham - sales are 3 to 4 times the norm (it should be noted the apparel simply says "Duke Lacrosse" on it, and the women's team is #1 in the country, so that could be why people are buying it...ah, never mind, no one's buying that for a second) Seriously, how long before we see a Duke Lacrosse jersey in a rap video? In other news, local sporting goods store Dick's Sporting Goods is living up to its name by pulling all Duke Lacrosse merchandise...Greg Garber probably told them that was the proper thing to do.

"Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!"...UCLA sophomore guard Jordan Farmar has declared for the NBA Draft, but has wisely not hired an agent in case it doesn't quite work out the way he thought (he does have Yoghurt on speed dial for moral support). I saw some of Farmar this season, and unless I missed something, this seems like a bizarre move.

"I bet she gives great helmet"...I'm looking at you, Mrs. Jim Bowden...

"So the combination is one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! The kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!"...Actually, the Bowden family gets two this week, because there is no dumber GM out there, and yes, I'm including Allaird "Captain of the Titanic" Baird in Kansas City. No need for me to list Bowden's recent moves, espn.com did all the hard work for me. Is there any doubt this guy was loaded for the Brian Lawrence deal?

"Oh, my God. It's Mega Maid. She's gone from suck to blow"...I think that pretty much sums up Barry Bonds' season so far. And after mistakenly watching 30 seconds of that sycophant on that joke of a show of his, here's hoping it gets 10,000 times worse. And screw ESPN for airing that crap...I'd rather watch those lunatics on the paintball show.

"Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed"...Sloth Shelton would have been a perfect fit here, but I'd say we exhausted that topic the other day. You want ludicrous, how about Julio Franco hitting a HR last night at the ripe old age of 47. The Jack LaLanne of MLB is the oldest player to ever hit a HR, a record he is sure to break next year, and possibly in 2008 as well. As Mel Allen used to say, "How About That!"

"They've gone to plaid!"...I had a Rob Neyer joke in here somewhere, and the attempt was going to be some sort of Neyer-esque VORP or Win Shares breakdown (yikes, now it seems like I'm swiping from Whit too), but then I ate a huge turkey sandwich for lunch and threw in the towel. So, much like when you watch Sunday Night Baseball, you won't be getting any expert statistical analysis here.

"When will then be now? Soon"...The "then" in question is the Kansas City Poop being the worst team in the modern era of baseball. And it's coming alot sooner than you think...2-12 to start the year, 10 straight losses, and absolutely no end in sight. 46 runs scored on the year, 99 runs given up. Their opponents are hitting .305 on the year and slugging .508. This team is losing 120 games easy, and don't think for a second 130 losses is out of the question. GTB will be tracking two things all summer - the meteoric rise (and possible fall) of Sloth Shelton, and KC's Kwest for All-Time Ineptitude. Stay tuned.

"Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money"...A special tip of the cap to Allen Iverson and Chris Webber for showing up 5 minutes before tip-off the other night and not even sitting on the bench with their team, on what just happened to be fan appreciation night in Philly. This got very little press, because really, is anyone surprised by this type of behavior from pro athletes, especially these two? Still, maybe you should let the coach know ahead of time you planned to completely shirk your responsibilities. I have no love for Philadelphia or its fans, but it's still a dick move...

And finally, just for the hell of it...

"Man, we ain't found shit!"

"Ruth! Ruth! Baby! Ruth!"

I can't think of a better way to break the seal on the 2006 Major League baseball season...let's help all those poor bums in Detroit (I'm looking at you Dumbo Albom) find a REAL nickname for the breakout star of the 2006 season, Christoper Bob Shelton. No more of this "Big Red" or "Red Pop" or "Red Bull" nonsense (hell, a soccer team already stole the Red Bull name)...

How do we properly honor a guy who has already hit 9 home runs in his team's first 13 games, is batting .471 AND is slugging an astronomical 1.216 on the young season? (and yes, let's all completely ignore the fact some guy named Pujols is pretty much doing the exact same thing in the NL, and it's so routine for him people don't even flinch). This guy has 24 hits on the season, and 17 are for extra bases. He's had 8 mult-hit games already. His OBP is a Bondsian .500 (I promise, that's my only Bonds reference for awhile, because not only is he the worst human being on the face of the Earth, but he is also KILLING my NL-only fantasy team). OK, let me take my Rob Neyer hat off...on to the nickname...

Sometime last season, long before he became some hybrid Bob Hamelin/Dave Kingman HR-hitting machine, Baseball Tonight flashed Shelton's mug on the screen, and only one image flashed in my mind...think 1985 tale of misfits, desperately searching for "One-Eyed" Willy's lost treasure in order to save their parents house...think dark, dungy basement...think Rocky Road...that's right folks, stand and applaud if you want for the 2006 AL MVP, Chunk's best friend, and GTB's Athlete of the Week, Chris "Sloth" Shelton...

"Sloth love Leyland..."

"Fuck it, Dude, let's go bowling..."

It should probably read, "Fuck it, Bus, let's go bowling..." In what should surprise no one, former Steelers running back and 400 pound behemoth Jerome Bettis is apparently a big time bowler...apparently the only requirement needed to be inducted into the celebrity wing of the Bowling Hall of Fame. Actually, those hoighty toighty bowlers call it the International Bowling Museum & Hall of Fame. My apologies to Dick Weber Jr.

In case you're a celebrity (who I guess googled your own name and ended up here...Drew Lachey, is that you?) and are hoping to gain entrance into this prestigious Institute, from what I can gather these are the criteria for admission**:
- Have an affinity for bowling
- Claim to have bowled your whole life
- Gain great pleasure and enjoyment from the sport

Don't believe me? Executive Director John Bergland on why Bettis was an easy choice as the first inductee:
"Two things. One, he's an outstanding bowler," Bergland said. "Number two, he has great passion for the sport and he regularly promotes it."

Hell, I took bowling for credit in college (and you wonder why the writing is so suspect), I enjoy any "sport" where beer drinking is prominently involved and I'm always trying to hit the lanes (just not on the Shabbos, Donny). Can I petition for a spot next to Jerome?

**OK, it does say in the article Bettis has bowled a 300 game and mantains a 200 average...maybe he is the perfect charter member, but facts don't usually jive well with my rambling (though I'm betting Tom Arnold or Andy Richter might be great choices as well)

Time circuits on...Flux Capacitor...fluxing...engine running...

Well, it's a shitty Friday outside, and I'm only here for a half-day, so I thought I'd provide you with the most riduclous story I've seen this week on the interweb. Apparently, a chiropractor in Columbus, Ohio claims he can treat anyone by "reaching back in time to when an injury occurred." I guess these crazy claims finally warranted the attention of the state's regulators, and the chiropractor in question, Dr. Emmet Brown, has some 'splaining to do. Below, the charges against him, and the good doc in his own words, because I couldn't even make shit this stupid up:

The Ohio State Chiropractic Board, in a notice of hearing, has accused James Burda of Athens of being "unable to practice chiropractic according to acceptable and prevailing standards of care due to mental illness, specifically, Delusional Disorder, Grandiose Type." Burda denied that he is mentally ill. He said he possesses a skill he discovered by accident while driving six years ago.

"My foot hurt and, knowing anatomy, I went ahead and I told it to realign and my pain went away," Burda said Thursday.

Burda calls his treatment "Bahlaqeem." "It is a made-up word and, to my knowledge, has no known meaning except for this intended purpose. It does, however, have a soothing vibrational influence and contains the very special number of nine letters," Burda's Web site says.

Here's hoping the Libyans finish what they started this time...

Happy Slappy Birthday, Tom...

This is Gheorghe wishing you bountiful birthday blessings on your return from Hades. And congratulations on making it out of your 20's...we all new you could do it. Most of us, anyways...

She's a lady...whoa, whoa, whoa...she's a lady...

Well she's all you'd ever want, she's the kind they'd like to flaunt and take to dinner...
Well she always knows her place, she's got style, she's got grace, she's a winner...

That's right folks, Greg's favorite crooning Welshman has "collected a knighthood" from Queen Elizabeth II for his services to music (and the leisure suit industry) meaning he will now be known as Sir Tom Jones, joining music legends Elton John, Mick Jagger and Paul McCartney in picking up the completely unnecessary but ego-inflating title of "Sir".

The Knight speaks: "It was lovely to see the Queen again. I love seeing the Queen and I have always been a royalist. She is lovely and she still is lovely. She has got a great smile and her whole face lights up when she smiles." If I didn't know any better I'd think Sir Tom was smitten with the old bird.

What's next Pussycat? Same old same old...the 65-year-old Jones will continue to sweat profusely through late 70's fabrics and belt out hits while women of all ages throw their panties at him.
*****
Kudos to the author(s) of this page, be it Slater, GB or the gang at Wizznutz. It easily beat back the competition to win the GTB Link of the Week. Best...Wikipedia page...Ever. "Dagger!"
*****
Are we supposed to be impressed by South Carolina Coach Dave Odom and his back-t0-back NIT titles (3 in 6 years...he won the title at Wake in 2000) or do we pummel him for having underachieving teams that somehow gel after they get left out of the Big Dance year after year?
*****
Sad news coming out of Baltimore today. Media whore and all-around class act Anna Benson apparently wants a divorce from her mediocre pitcher/husband Kris. Benson, leader of her local MENSA chapter, claims the seven year marriage is "irretrievably broken." Anyone wanna place bets on what Oriole she beds first?
*****
With the Final Four fast approaching, and his subsequent return to The Springfield Retirement Castle, we must move quickly to bash Billy Packer. Today we present Reason #7,285 to hate that SOB:

"I have no reason to apologize any more than the committee should say, 'We're really sorry, we really screwed up on our No. 1 picks. None of them made it to the Final Four,''' Packer said. "My opinion is based on whatever knowledge I have acquired over the years. I have a right to my opinion, and if it doesn't agree with people, that just has to be what it is.''

What a dick.
*****
If anyone is looking for me the next few days, I'll be in Reno chasing down tranny prostitutes with Deputy Garcia and riding shotgun with Lieutenant Dangle. Should be tons 'o fun.

Congratulations, Gheorghe Mason

Gheorghe: The Blog would like to salute a group of Gheorghes in green and gold who have capitvated a nation of hoops fans with their exciting, high-profile display of pure Gheorgheness. In weathering Jim Nantz's sound and Billy Packer's fury, surviving GMU & Jim Larranaga's integrity-soaked suspension of Tony Skinn in the opening round, and marching through basketball powerhouses like they were light beers on a July afternoon, Gheorghe Mason has enabled countless serious sports enthusiasts to revel in glee like five-year-olds at recess. Coach Larranaga seems to be leading his squad by drawing from this site's mission statement on a daily basis. How the experts here missed the obvious correlation between "George Mason" and its Romanian counterpart, "Gheorghe Muresan," is beyond me. But it doesn't really matter. This is the fun stuff.

During Dick Vitale's spazzy frolic amid spot-on superlative and silly hyperbole (and why not -- he foolishly continues to pick favorites in every round, so he surely must be the most stunned), he proclaimed that Lamar Butler -- and his four starting teammates -- will be a household name now. Not sure if that's true, but it sparked a trivia question in me.

Are there any other Final Four players in NCAA history (or even any college hoopsters) besides Lamar Butler whose first and last names are schools that made it to the Sweet 16 at least once?

Jayson Stark es muy divertido

When it comes to baseball, I like Jayson Stark. He's a good interview. He knows his stuff. He writes pretty good columns for ESPN, especially given his .com peers on that same site (are they still letting Joe Morgan use his Crayons and scribble pad?). However, Jayson might've wanted to take this one back...

In an espn.com column about Cuba's loss to Japan in the World Baseball Championship game Monday, Stark wrote that Cuban manager Higinio Velez "spent the first inning managing like his raft was on fire, and it didn't work out too caliente.'' Hmmm, that might be a problem - where were his editors on this one? Stark has since apologized, and in defense of Jayson, Velez did use three pitchers in the first inning, but that's more Tony LaRussa than "Cuban refugee on a raft".

You don't know when to keep your mouth shut, do you, Saxxy Boy?

Maybe it's just me, but the state of Florida always seems to have stupid shit happening...

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. -- The state Corrections Department put a former minor league baseball player on the payroll in a no-show job so that he could help prison guards win a softball tournament, investigators say.

The ringer, Mark Guerra, 34, agreed to repay $1,400 and complete 50 hours of community service, state Attorney General Charlie Crist said Wednesday.

Guerra was charged with accepting paychecks for work never done at a prison library. Investigators said he accepted the money to play on the winning team in a tournament held last May by Corrections Secretary Jim Crosby.

Crosby was fired by Gov. Jeb Bush last month.

"It is disturbing that a state agency would place so much importance on a team sport that it would stoop to committing crimes," Crist said.

Apparently, Corrections Secretary Jim Crosby "hired" Guerra to "work" in the prison library after Brooks Hatlen was paroled. Guess it didn't really work out for either guy.

I did a little digging on Mr. Guerra. He was drafted by the Mets in the 40th Round in 1994, making him the 1,100th pick overall (1 spot ahead of David Robinson...no not that David Robinson). He played in the minor league for 10 years and NEVER HAD A HIT. The guy was a pitcher, 59-67 W-L record with a career ERA of 3.69. If you were going to bring in a softball ringer, don't you think a hitter might've been a better option? This seems to be piss poor recruitment by Commissioner Crosby if you ask me.

Well, Mr. Burns had done it,

The power plant had won it,

With Roger Clemens clucking all the while.

Mike Scoscia's tragic illness made us smile,

While Wade Boggs lay unconscious on the barroom tile.

We're talking softball,

From Maine to San Diego.

We're talking softball,

Mattingly and Canseco.

Ken Griffey's grotesquely swollen jaw,

Steve Sax and his run-in with the law,

We're talking Ho-mer,Ozzie, and the Straw!

What is your favorite colour?

Blue!

Alfonso Ribeiro Is Cooler

A few thoughts on the Soriano story, a matter worthy of a separate post.

1. In a perfect world, Bowden could fall back on the "he's a professional being paid $10M, he should act like it," but just ask Steve Spurrier how that stance worked out for him. Everyone saw this trade pretty much working out exactly like it has so far.

2. That Brad Wilkerson went in the deal is doubly damning. A clubhouse guy, team player, and versatile fielder goes away and a selfish, me-first, guy who can't field at any position comes in. This team ran completely on heart and the fans' exuberance last year -- without Frank Robinson, the inaugural year vibe, and a lot of no-name overachievers playing as a TEAM, this club wins fewer than 70 games. Well, at least they still have Frank. For now.

3. Tim Kurkjian was hilarious talking about this. He basically called out both Bowden and Soriano. A few that stuck with me: "we knew it was a stuuupid trade"; "a terrrrible second baseman, by the way"; "incredulous at the chilidsh behavior". He went on to other topics, calling the Reds' rotation "indescriiiibably bad" and the current Red Sox' outfield defense as "interesting".

4. It will please me greatly if Soriano refuses to play again today and goes on the DQ list (where he won't get that overpriced salary), but that would require his ignorance to supersede his selfishness. They're neck-and-neck, but greed usually prevails.

5. What do you think Soriano is most afraid of in his contract year: playing left-field where his lack of fielding skills will be on display; playing in RFK, where his inflated stats from The ballpark will shrink, perhaps substantially; hitting in a lineup that has little to no protection for a free-swinging, low OBP guy that was extremely well-fortified in Texas; playing on a team that needs a leader with character when his recent actions have indicated a complete void of the stuff? He doesn't just want out of LF, he wants out of DC. But though stride after stride has been made since the days of Curt Flood and Marvin Miller, there is still a minor stipulation that indicates that a player must play for the team that owns his contract. Tough times for players, indeed.

6. Jose Vidro should say, "You know what, Nats? I'll be the bigger man and step aside and let Soriano play 2B. Just trade me to the Mets for Jorge Julio and I will defuse this situation that way."

7. Somewhere, Billy Packer sighs in relief at not being the Dick of the Week any more.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

"You've done grand, laddie! Now ya know what ya have ta do! Burn the house down! Burn 'em all!"

Don't cha wish your bracketologists were hot like us?

It's the big day kids, and in case you need any last minute bracket advice, I managed to pull the GTB contributors away from their everyday grind long enough to provide you the loyal reader with some "expert" picks (and since I'm lazy and running out of time today, these are the actual emails I was sent)...

Whitney:
4: Duke, UConn, Kansas, BC

• I'd love to pick Carolina just to get rob fired up on a rant, but their path is too tough. If they can get by George Mason, UConn will get them.
• I actually think UConn over Duke will happen, but it's much more fun to say Kansas over BC, 75-69
• WVU to the round of 16, maybe 8
• Aztecs over Hoosiers - Mike Davis's lame duck status provided a few wins after they relaxed a little. Now it will turn to a poisonous malaise in that locker room
• Best part about the 2006 tourney - working from home (Editor's Note: What an ass)

rob:
My sheet of integrity via ESPN.com has the following: Texas, Pittsburgh, Connecticut, Boston College, with Texas beating UConn, 86-81, in the final.

• I'll have you note that I generally go a bit unorthodox in that bracket, because with so many entries, the only real chance to win is to make a reach and hope it pays off. In other words, I really don't think Pittsburgh is a great bet to get to Indy, even though they are certainly capable, and that's a weak-ass bracket.
• From the upset perspective, I think Marquette will bounce both UCLA and Gonzaga, and I think Georgetown gets to the Elite 8. And if you sense a Big East bias, well, you're not as dumb as you look.

Dennis:
Duke Gonzaga UConn Villanova

• Duke over Villanova in Championship
• Can't miss upset(s): 1st round - Utah State over Washington
• Later Round - West Virginia over Texas and Witchita State over Tennessee in Round 2

TJ:
I'll have my picks up by noon I promise, but in the meantime, you should check out the tourney preview work done over at Deadspin...I especially like the guy who contributed these University of Albany nuggets...

Final Four: Texas, UCLA, UConn, Villanova

• Texas over UCLA
• Villanova over UConn
• Villanova is your National Champ, 71-69 over the Longhorns
• Look out for San Diego State, Utah State and UW-Milwaukee (I've got all 3 in the Sweet 16 in fact)

Billy Packer...

Giant Douche

or

Turd Sandwich?

Donuts...Is there anything they can't do?

God bless the Gateway Grizzlies of the Frontier League. Apparently, each year the Grizzlies introduce a new novelty concession item prior to the start of the season, and really, they've outdone themselves this time. Their 2006 creation:

The Donut Burger

That's right kids, it's a hamburger topped with cheddar cheese and two slices of bacon...all between "buns" of Krispy Kreme donuts. Like manna from heaven. How quickly can I get to Sauget, IL?

A little break from the norm

And in a way, a little blast from the past. The next time you see a parent going nuts at a youth baseball or basketball game, riding the officials, riding other 10 year olds (no, not in the Gary Glitter way), just think, it could be worse. Much worse. That parent could've been this donkey:

BORDEAUX, France - A man accused of drugging his children's tennis opponents, leading to one player's accidental death, described being gripped by panic and anguish as his desire to see his son and daughter succeed spun out of control.

This guy makes Richard Williams look good. At what point in time does drugging your kids tennis opponents sound like a good idea? Who's giving this guy advice, Jim Jones? And not to harp too much on this, but the guy's fucking French, what the hell does he care about winning?

The best line in the article has to be the wife's response to all this. She said she had no idea her husband had gone off the deep end, but if she did, "...it would have been suitcases or the psychiatrist."

I'm pretty sure those exact two options have been bouncing around Larry Brown's head for 4 months now.

Kirby Puckett, Rest in Peace

Kirby Puckett died today. Here's to a guy who simply made the people around him happier, leading by example with what we like to call gheorghe de vivre.

Kirby Puckett, a Gheorghe Hall of Famer.

Ba na na na... Hey! Ba na na...

VUNG TAU, Vietnam, March 3 -- A court convicted former British rocker Gary Glitter of obscene acts with two Vietnamese girls and sentenced him to three years in prison. A melee erupted Friday when Glitter shouted, "I'm innocent."

Ba na na na... Hey! Ba na na...

Reporters and onlookers, allowed into the courthouse in southern Ba Ria-Vung province to hear the verdict after the closed, two-day trial, pressed toward Glitter as police fended them off and escorted him out of the building.

Ba na na na... Hey! Ba na na...

"I haven't done anything. I'm innocent. It's a conspiracy," Glitter shouted.

Chakachaka chakachaka chaka...
(fans scream here: "Go local sports franchise" for their team)

Repeat forever (that is what the lyrics actually say..."Repeat forever"...and you thought they were playing Yanni in hell)

Greatest Night Ever?

I submit YES (I know Rob will agree)...Never before have sports entertainment and C-rate pro hoops mixed in such a spectacular fashion (this is going to be even better than that night Swint and I saw the GLOW girls pummel the Mystics). What the hell is this over-caffeinated fool talking about? Check it out...

On March 5, 2006, the Maryland Nighthawks will be hosting a game against the Harlem Strong Dogs at their home arena at Montgomery College in Rockville, MD. John Rambo and other wrestlers from the NWL/HOUSE of PAIN will serve as "ceremonial security guards" at the March 5th game, and the Nighthawks will distribute NWL/HOUSE of PAIN information.

Hmm, not very interesting, unless you're a huge NWL fan (Jerry?). Hold on, here's the super scintillating sensational part...

BREAKING NEWS: The Nighthawks have announced today that former Washington Wizards 7”7 Center Gheorghe Muresan will be suiting up for the Nighthawks for this Sunday’s March 5 6PM home game.
That's right folks, "FINALLY......THE GHEORGHE.....HAS RETURNED.....TO ROCKVILLE!!!"

[All credit is due to lammie informant "fish" whose true identity will remain a secret because he's alot older than me and I'm not sure I've ever even met him]