Who's excited for some football?

I think the answer is of course "every last f'ing one of us". We will have some picks for you later today, but in the meantime, I think I found the proper clip to kick off the season:

Who OKs this crap?

So the other day, I get a junk email from the local oldies/classic rock station BIG 100.3. Whatever, delete it as always....but wait, what's this you're promoting? New AC/DC? Awesome...hold on, am I reading this newsletter banner right? Either these people are the most callous folks in the world or just plain old stoopid:

The "Rock You Like a Hurricane" Edition? Seriously, this is what you came up with? First of all, the Scorpions are on Line 1 and they aren't happy. Secondly, I'm all for mocking hurricane victims, but even I wait at least a week. What the hell is wrong with these people?

Free Todd Bouman

With the NFL season nearly upon us, I've been moved to address an ongoing injustice that has gone unnoticed within the league for over a decade now. Of course, I'm speaking of the unjust oppression a once-in-a lifetime talent like Todd Bouman. Never before has a QB so charismatic, so gutsy and so utterly talented been forced to watch from the sidelines as lesser QBs played, nay, floundered where he would most assuredly have thrived.

Though he grew up in tiny Ruthton, Minnesota, Bouman's physical gifts were apparent from an early age as he was excelled in football, basketball and track & field, earning All-State honors in all three sports. Yet, in what would become a running theme, Bouman's prodigious talent was ignored and he was forced to accept a scholarship to tiny St. Cloud State. Not surprisingly, Bouman dominated the competition in college and caught the eyes of a scout for the Minnesota Vikings (who has since disappeared...entirely). Given a chance, which is all he's ever asked for, Bouman lit up the Vikings' training camp and made the squad. However, Bouman's joy at making the team would be short lived as he quickly realized that the politics that kept him from receiving major college scholarship offers were still in play in the NFL. Still, strong in spirit, Bouman continued to work each day to prove his worth to the Minnesota organization and was finally given an opportunity when Daunte Culpepper went down with an injury late in the 2001 season.

Like the true warrior he is, Bouman seized the moment and piloted the Vikings to a number of victories while also earning NFC Offensive Player of the Week honors after lighting up the helpless Tennessee Titans defense for 384 yards (on 21-31 passing) and 4 TDs. Finally, after years of struggling and fighting the old boy network of the NFL, Bouman had proven himself. Certainly, no one would deny his talents now. On the contrary, fearing that the abilities of Bouman would make their entire organization look foolish, the Vikings quickly shipped him off to New Orleans where he would be forced to back up yet another inferior quarterback, Aaron Brooks.

This would be the beginning of a never ending cycle for Bouman. He would completely and totally annihilate defenses whenever given the opportunity, only to quickly be exiled by his own organization for fear of their incompetence being discovered. Bouman would be released by the Saints and bounce from team to team over the next few years, each time encountering coaching staffs that were frightened by his immense talents and unwillingness to subjugate his abilities lest he intimidate his fellow QBs and embarrass the receivers who couldn't hold on to his rocket propelled throws.

As time has gone on, things have only gotten worse, no longer were teams willing to keep Bouman on as a backup. After all, as a backup Bouman was but one snap away from taking the field and revolutionizing the game. Now, teams were employing him as a 3rd string QB, hopeful that the steady paycheck and dreams of finally taking his rightful place in the pantheon of great NFL passers would somehow keep Bouman from leaving for the CFL, where he surely would become the greatest passer in CFL history.

Finally, this preseason Bouman was making his move, refusing to let politics keep him down. He lead the Jacksonville Jaguars' backups to TD after TD while amassing an otherwordly 107.5 passser rating. Of course, Jack Del Rio being a long time member of the NFL hierarchy knew that he couldn't afford to have Bouman breathing down the neck of David Garrard, so he cut him while retaining the services of the underwhelmingly average Cleo Lemon. Bouman wasn't surprised, he knows the NFL's game and has vowed to continue to try and change the game from within.

Bouman recently signed with the Ravens where he'll sit behind dramatically inferior passers like Joe Flacco and Troy Smith all the while knowing that he could, no would, be the best QB in Baltimore since Johnny U, if he'd only get the chance. Will he ever be given the opportunity to shine like the bright, shining star he is? I wouldn't count on it my friends. The NFL is a dark, seedy world. A world that will stop at nothing to maintain the status quo that's kept this man down for years and years.

Yeah, the NFL is back but its not what we, the fans, deserve. Not as long as Todd Bouman's wearing a baseball cap and standing on the sidelines.

Danger, Semi-Political Content Ahead

Fans of our humble blog will know by now that most of the G:TB staff leans leftward (politically speaking – can’t vouch for the inseam-related properties of my cohorts), so our more conservative readers can feel free to take the following with a grain of salt. I'm quite sure you would, even if it were composed in a serious vein.

John McCain and his advisors made what is universally accepted as an interesting and unexpected choice, tapping Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to run alongside the Senator from Arizona. (He was a POW, too, in case you hadn’t heard. Over and over again.) While I can’t presume to know the inner workings of the McCain campaign, I can emphatically confirm that Mr. McCain’s staff is not peopled with NFL fans.

The evidence is stark and simple. Nobody with a working knowledge of the NFL and its Washington franchise could miss the object lesson in the negative consequences of hiring unqualified personnel to fill key management positions that plays out every day in Ashburn. Sarah Palin, meet Vinny Cerrato. You may as well be soulmates.

Consider the parallels.

Cerrato’s major qualification for running the football operations of a billion-dollar franchise is his skill at losing racquetball matches to his boss. You have no idea how hard it is to credibly appear to be less athletic than Dan Snyder. Palin’s chief claim to readiness is her 20-month stint running Alaska, which followed her 4-year term as mayor of Wasilla, AK. Edge: Palin, barely.

Palin’s run the Alaska National Guard, giving her vital military leadership experience. Cerrato, after years of intense study, now knows the difference between a guard and a tackle. Edge: Cerrato, because his knowledge actually has relevance to his job.

Cerrato spent gobs of money on absurdly overrated, over the hill, and overhyped talent. See Smith, Bruce, Sanders, Deion, Carrier, Mark, 2008 NFL draft - second round, et al. Palin supported the famous 'Bridge to Nowhere' until she didn't, and still spent tens of millions of dollars in Federal funds on a road that led to the now non-existent bridge. Edge: Palin - at least the money she spent had some tangible result. Cerrato's sprees have led to exactly dick.

Palin’s a conservative Christian who believes in creationism over evolution. Cerrato worked at Notre Dame. Edge: Push

Palin allegedly used the power of her office for personal gain, attempting to force the firing of a state trooper and subsequently canning Alaska’s top law enforcement official when he wouldn’t play along. Cerrato just kept all 10 of the Redskins’ 2008 draft picks to make himself look good, despite the fact that at least 3 of them still don’t know the location of Redskins Park. Edge: Cerrato. At least the Durant Brooks decision was right.

Cerrato gives Redskins fans ample reason to question the judgment of his boss. Ditto Palin. Edge: Sadly for Skins fans and Republicans who are capable of critical thought (and despite what you may think, I know there are lots of them), this one’s a dead tie.

"In a world..."

Yesterday, at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, 68-year-old Don LaFontaine passed away. Who's Don LaFontaine you might be asking? Oh, you all know him...he's THE king of movie trailers, or I should more appropriately say he was the king of movie trailers. LaFontaine did voiceover work for more than 5,000 movie films, introducing the world to classic movie trailer cliches such as the aforementioned "In a world..." and "A one-man army..." among many others.

Rest in peace Mr. LaFontaine, and as they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery...

Its the end of summer as we know it...

That's right. Summer is officially over. Labor Day is here. I'm sure that this day is bittersweet for many of you who live in the northern regions of this great country, but its never held that feeling for me. Here in Florida, the warm weather lasts another month or two and school's been back in session for a couple of weeks now. Around here, Labor Day is just an excuse to take Monday off, go to the beach and have a few afternoon beers...which is never a bad thing. Plus, Labor Day weekend brings us college football as well as the ever nearing return of the National Football League. All in all, Labor Day is pretty fucking sweet if you ask me. It also happens to be the title of a classic album (Labor Days) from of my favorite artists, brooklyn bred rapper Aesop Rock, as well as the title of a track from the same album. So, since I couldn't bear to post the footage I received of Phil Fulmer devouring a dozen In-and Out Burgers last night (Didn't you think it was just a little odd that Tennessee would travel all the way to California for season openers against PAC-10 schools each of the past two years?), I'll leave you with some hip-hop that involves things other than bitches, money and weed (not that there's anything wrong with that) to help you finish out your summer.



See you in the fall...bitches.

It won't be long now...

As I sit behind my desk this morning, I'm as happy as I've been in months. I'm also as nervous, excited, and curious as I've been in a very, very long time. This is what the beginning of College Football does to me. More specifically, this is what the beginning of the Florida Gator Football season does to me. I've spent the last 8 months scouring message boards, reading practice reports and holding my breath, all in anticipation of today. Its like Christmas fucking morning, if I got drunk and yelled at the TV for hours on end on Christmas morning. Soon, I'll go to the gym and run a few miles, if only because that will help take up just a little bit more time before today's 12:30 Florida-Hawaii kickoff. Its a beautiful day ladies and gentlemen...and I intend to enjoy every last pad popping, band playing, sweat dripping minute of it.

LSU-Appalachian State (NL): The College Football gods are so fucking cool that they've concocted a hurricane in order to give us football earlier than we would normally have it. Gustav has resulted in the rescheduling of this game to 10 am EST, and I couldn't be happier about it. Will the Mountaineers pull the upset? No fucking way. Any chance of that happening was gone this time last year when App State beat Michigan. Which is really too bad because LSU is ripe for the picking this year. (I'm guessing 3 losses) The offense has major questions at QB and the secondary is very young for the Tigers. Howeva, LSU's defensive line is NFL quality (seriously) and they have the deepest stable of running backs in the SEC, if not the nation. This game will be close early, but LSU will wear the Mountaineers out in the second half which should allow the corndog scented rednecks of Baton Rouge enough time to get home and board up there huts before Senor Gustav's arrival.

Missouri-Illinois (8.5): Has there ever been a game featuring two QBs who were so clearly one race based on there name? I mean seriously, have you ever met a black guy named Chase or a white guy named Isiah (not to mention Juice)? Of course you haven't. This game was terrific last year, due in large part to Chase Daniels' 4 ints and Juice Williams' injury which allowed Illinois to get back in the game by passing the ball. Supposedly, Juice has vastly improved as a passer this year. I have no idea if this is true (Everybody is always inproving under the watchful eye of Towlie, er, Zook) but it damn well better be because Rashad Mendenhall has taken his dumb ass to the NFL and Arrelious Benn is gonna need to get the ball in his hands in ways other than the reverse and the bubble screen if the Illini offense is going to be consistently potent this year. Missouris has no such problems, Daniels is terrific, especially for a fat kid, and Jeremy Maclin is a poor man's Percy Harvin. The Tiger defense is much improved, allegedly, so I'll take Mizzou going away.

Florida-Hawaii (34.5): I've tried to make it seem like I care deeply about many of the other games this weekend, and while I do care (somewhat), none of these games can hold a candle to the return of my beloved alma mater. The return of Florida football is always a major event in my life, but this year its impact is substantially amplified. This is the most loaded, balanced football team that the University of Florida has put on a football field in many years. Unfortunately, this team is also the most injury prone Gator team that I've ever personally witnessed. Tomorrow, Florida will be missing projected starters due to maladies such as ACL tears (Ingram, Munroe), staph infections (Moore), heel surgery (Harvin), toe dislocations (Spikes) and muscle strains (Hunter). And thats only the starters. Everyday has seemed to bring a new injury. Luckily for Florida, this team is deep, talented and experienced enough to overcome these obstacles...for the time being. Will Florida be able to fulfill its preseason promise if injuries to key contributors continue to pile up? Of course not. Should they win in impressive fashion today despite these setbacks. Hell yes. Look for players such as Chris Rainey, Brandon James and Emmanuel Moody (rubs hands together/giggles like school girl) to assume a large part of the offensive load today. Specifically, look for Moody to announce his presence as the feature tailback that the Gators have been missing since Urban Meyer arrived in Gainesville with authority. He's been a monster in fall camp and has the ability to change the way the spread is executed in a manner that will strike fear in the hearts of SEC fans all across the south. Defensively, keep an eye out for a freshman corner named Janoris Jenkins. Not only is his name awesome, he's also forced his way onto the field as the Gators' nickel corner with his play in both spring and fall camp. I anticipate a 30+ point win and a very drunk and jubilant afternoon for yours truly. If all goes as planned, I'll need a nap before I sit down for Alabama-Clemson. Good God, the day we've all been waiting for is here. Whew...I've got to be honest with you. I feel a little like Jesse Spano right now...

Finally! College Football has come back to America!

Only in New York

An excerpt from Today's NY Daily News:

10G reward for tips on goat strangler

The reward for the Long Island goat strangler has grown to $10,000. Donations poured into the Suffolk County SPCA for the capture of whoever kidnapped twin goats from a farm and strangled one with a belt last week. Teddy's body was found dead near the Raleigh Farm in King's Park, while his sister, Pinky, is still missing.

Anyone with information is asked to call (631) 382-SPCA (7722).

Teddy is pictured at right below, with his sex addict goat friend David.

Back like Cooked Crack!

The college football gods are indeed a strange and fickle group. Today, shortly after arriving home from the purchase of my 2008 gameday Gator t-shirt (Yes, I buy a new one each year. Yes, I'm aware how fucking gay this must seem). I discovered that the water heater in my home (which for some reason is located within my home instead of my garage) had begun to leak profusely. Water was everywhere. I spent the next 40 minutes soaking up water in my laundry room, kitchen and bathroom with every towel in my house as well as a number of rarely worn t-shirts (making sure to not use any of the previous seasons' Gator tees, natch). While this was both infuriating and a tremendous inconvenience, I quickly realized that it was simply the college football gods showing me a little unconventional love. You see, many weeks ago I had committed to attend a poker night with my girlfriend in support of her friends christian youth group. (Yes, I too find it odd that poker/gambling somehow equals Jesus' unending love but I digress). Of course, when I committed to said Poker Night I was completely and totally unaware that it would be taking place on the first night of the most glorious season known to man...College Football season. But, now that the water heater has become such a pressing issue here at the homestead, it appears as though we'll be unable (sigh) to attend the aforementioned Christian Poker Night. Let's see your "god" get you out of unwanted commitments so quickly and easily as mine did, Christians.

Anywho, with that long winded explanation out of the way, I'll be settling in tonight to watch one of my former dieties, Stephen Orr Spurrier, take on NC State (aka Where QBs go to die). Its a pretty solid game for a Thursday night debut (better than Stanford v. Oregon on the ESPN2) and we're likely to get a few highlights from the Jackson St.-Georgia Tech game going on in Atlanta this evening as well (crosses fingers that one of the highlights will feature Ryan Perriloux shooting an GT defender whilst rolling out on a play action pass...C'mon, don't act like you'd be shocked).

I wont pretend to know much about NC State aside from the fact that no QB has been able to last even one full season as the unquestioned starter since the salad days of one Philip Rivers and that they're coached by Tom O'Brien. However, I know plenty about South Carolina and I'll give you a few players to watch this evening as you merrily toast the kickoff of the 2008 season.

Jasper Brinkley: One of the best LBs in America, also probably the most underrated, due to last year's early season knee injury that resulted in a medical redshirt. He's huge (6'2", 275), fast and plays with great instincts. He also has a brother named Casper, which has to count for something. Seriously, the guys a monster. Keep your eyes on #52 tonight.

Emmanuel Cook: Cook is a South Florida kid who was passed over by all the Florida schools and many SEC programs due to his lack of prototypical size and speed despite great numbers on both sides of the ball (He rushed for over 2,000 yards as a senior in high school). He's been a starter at SC since his first game and along with Brinkley has been a staple of the Gamecock D since his arrival.

Kenny McKinley: The best and most important player on the SC offense. He was a 1st team All-SEC selection last year and is on a number of preseason All-American lists. He's in the mold of many of Spurrier's past receivers (not very tall, more quick than fast, extremely good hands) and should put up monster numbers this year, provided that Tommy Beecher or Stephen Garcia can stay out of the HBC's doghouse long enough to establish some chemistry with McKinley. McKinley's as good a college receiver as there is this year and I'm betting he goes for 100+ yards and a touch tonight.

So there it is, the most one sided scouting report you've ever read. What can I say...I love the SEC and think the ACC should be viewed on the same plain as the MAC or Mountain West in terms of credibility. I mean, Wake Forest is pick in the ACC this year? Fuck off. Hopefully, you'll join me in the comments at some point this evening to drink in the glorious return of college football and, of course, drink.

Labor Day NCAA Football Preview

There are two "pivotal" games on the docket on Monday. If you are like me, you will be ready for some red, hot NCAA action to ease the pain that inevitably comes with the end of Summer.

Fresno State (+5.5) @ Rutgers, 5 PM
(over/under at 60)

We fold the first of our Labor Day game previews into the most hallowed tune sung by Rutgers fans along the banks of the old Rar-i-tan River: Rutgers "The Bells Must Ring."

March, men of Rutgers,
Down the field today,
March to another score,
Forward to the fray.
Fight! men of Rutgers
As in days gone by,
Fight! for the Scarlet flag
Over the rest must fly.

March they will, but only because they've hitched their wagon to the right arm of QB Mike Teel. Hidden behind the Raymell Rice hype machine, Teel threw for 20 TDs and over 3,000 yards as a junior. His top targets, Tiquan Underwood and Kenny Britt return. Both exceeded 1,000 reception yards last year. So Scarlet Knights fans should hope the pigskin flies like the Scarlet flag if Rutgers is to make a run in the Big East.

While folks question the strength of their running game, I point to the strength of the name of the team's running quarterback threat - Jabu Lovelace. With an androgynous porn name like that, you have more pressure to perform in the bedroom than on the field. He'll give defensive coordinators headaches when he lines up behind center.

Chorus:
Keep Rutgers colors to the fore,
For they must win so fight, fight, fight!
And we'll advance some more to score,
The Rutgers flag flies high tonight, alright, alright.
We'll fling the Scarlet banner out,
And Rutgers men will fight, fight, fight!
The bells of Queens each victory shout,
The bells of Queens must ring tonight.
R! U! RAH! RAH! R! U! RAH! RAH! RAH!
HOORAH! HOORAH! RUTGERS! RAH! RAH!
FIGHT! TEAM! UP! STREAM!
UP! STREAM! RED! TEAM! RAH! RAH! RUTGERS! RAH!

Rutgers will line up against a team that sports their same scarlet and white colors. Other than that, there's not much to offer on Fresno State. The editorial staff of G:TB does have to admit they have a soft spot in their collective hearts for this school for the following reasons: a) they play a decent out-of-conference schedule this year, with early games against Rutgers, Wisconsin and UCLA., b) the Jerry Tarkanian Samurai Sword Era, and c) the baseball team introduced me to The Skullet cut.

One thing I know is that the Bulldogs are flying across the country and staying in Piscataway, NJ. If that's not enough to demoralize a team, I don't know what is. Rutgers fans will be out in force, James Gandolfini will be on the sideline (trying to snort it), the sun will be shining and the nymph goddesses in the Raritan River will work their magic to lead the home team to victory. G:TB says take Rutgers and the under. They will pull out a 33 to 21 win.

Tennessee (-0.5) @ UCLA, 8 PM
(over/under at 47)

If there's one thing that Volunteer fans seem to hate, it's Phil Fullmer. Maybe it's because he's a polarizing figure. Maybe it's because he can't seem to get his team out of the muck in the middle of a competitive SEC. Maybe it's because he looks like Fred Thompson with an extra chromosome. Whatever the case may be, fans that don't like him and hope the team has a fighting chance in the SEC this year (Editor's note: They have no chance) can't be excited by the action that sports bettors are laying this weekend.

The Vols travel out to the turf of official G:TB villain Randy Newman to face a UCLA squad in the first year of the Rick Neuheisel era. Vegas has the Bruins getting only half a point. Bettors seem to be ignoring the fact that UCLA's starting QB Patrick Cowan got hurt (again), their backup QB Ben Olson got hurt (again), and the man with the third best arm on campus, Kevin Love, bolted for the NBA. That doesn't give new offensive coordinator Norm Chow much to work with. It will take a couple years for the staff to recruit the athletic thugs that Neuheisel prefers, so there are dark days ahead for fans of the 2008 UCLA Bruins.

The Vols offense will leverage some Yankee, I mean A-10, I mean CAA football brainpower this year. Former Richmond head coach Dave Clawson is the new offensive coordinator. Thankful that he no longer has to strategize against the powerful secondaries in I-AA, I mean FCS football, Clawson will use new QB Jonathon Crompton (Tebow size, Tee Martin skills) to try to get some points on the board.

G:TB thinks things will go as smoothly for Neuheisel in the PAC 10 as they've gone for Ty Willingham. Look for the Vols to run up the score in a lopsided match. take Tennessee and the over in a game that won't be as close as the score looks: Tennessee 34, UCLA 17.

I Hate Myself for Loving You

“My name is Rob, and I’m a fan of the Washington Redskins and the Alabama Crimson Tide.”

“Hi Rob!”

An Alcoholics Anonymous-style greeting seems appropriate, as the current incarnations of my two favorite football squadrons fill me with a self-loathing I can only assume equals that of a drunk on a week-long Mad Dog 20/20 bender who wakes up next to a snaggle-toothed, tattooed (and not in a good way) barmaid named Doris, with a vaguely unpleasant burning sensation in his manparts and an unexplained ring on his finger.

In Dan Snyder and Nick Saban, my gridiron faves boast two of American sports’ most megalomaniacally disagreeable personalities, and I’ll not mince words: their presence makes my fandom less enjoyable. These are franchises that were once led by legends epic in their impact on the game and their teams. Jack Kent Cooke and Bear Bryant were larger than life, giants who could do no wrong, even when they did wrong. To say the current regimes pale in comparison redefines the concept.

Nonetheless, we’ve got good, old fashioned American football on the television in 8 short hours, and just like my GTB colleagues, I’m all kinds of pumped to hear the roar of the crowd, boom of the bass drum, and crack of pad on pad contact. And so, in an effort to distract myself and fight off the urge to self-mutilate, let’s talk football.

Alabama vs. Clemson (- 4.5)

I keep trying to convince myself that the Tide’s the right side in this one: SEC>ACC, Saban>Tommy Bowden, Crimson & Cream>Orange & Purple. But I just don’t believe in this Alabama team. Clemson’s got exceptional talent at the skill positions, and is one of the few ACC squads with the speed to compete evenly with SEC teams. Saban will almost certainly be able to cheat his way to a few extra scores (starting with frosh wideout Julio Jones – we don’t really think that Escalade he’s driving came from Mom and Dad, do we? A joke, friends. We kid.), but I’m still not sold on John Parker Wilson as a big-time talent. He’s tougher than most kids with that SEC fratboy hair flop, but he’s not an elite signal-caller, despite what the good people of Birmingham tell themselves at cocktail parties. As much as it pains me, I like Clemson and the points.

Southern Cal @ UVA (+18.5)

Somewhere, a bunch of dipshits wearing blue blazers, orange and blue rep ties, and a misplaced sense of entitlement are gripping handles of Virginia Gentleman and believing their Wahoos have a snowball’s chance in hell against USC. Somewhere else, Gryffindor prepares for its’ epic Quidditch match with Slytherin. The latter is based more in reality.

Good LORD am I excited...

Its not often a video that consists of only still photos and a song with no words can get you so jacked that you're ready to go tackle the 6th graders playing catch across the street from you but, well, thats what the impending arrival of college football does to me. I'm so fucking excited that my weekends have meaning again. I'm so fucking excited about watching football for 12 hours straight on Saturdays. I'm so fucking excited for Tebow and Harvin and Spikes and ARRGGGH!!! SMASH!!!



There's a very real chance that I won't sleep on Friday night without the aid of copious amounts of alcohol. If I don't...no matter, I'll just stay up and watch this video until Gameday comes on. One more weekend of only baseball on TV and I might have killed myself.

Brushes with Greatness

Over the past month, the world travelers on the G:TB staff have been from coast to coast and any number of places in between, spreading the gospel of good cheer to our fellow man. We’ve had interactions of all manner with the fine people of this country, but alas, we’ve struck out in our pursuit of the modestly famous.

In the past, our crack staff has rubbed elbows with luminaries like Jim Bowden, Sugar Ray Leonard, Wes Unseld, John Ashcroft, and, obviously, this blog’s namesake. But I’m not sure any of us will be able to top my chance encounter with one of the 90s most celebrated television personalities.

Several of us journeyed to Charlottesville, VA in the early fall of 1995 to cheer on William and Mary’s gridders as they faced the University of Virginia in a formerly annual intrastate affair. W&M was summarily thumped by the Division I Cavaliers (though the Tribe did outscore UVA in the final 3 quarters of the game), but the result was incidental to our brush with the ridiculously sublime.

After the contest, as we gathered at our tailgate to toast the Tribe and make fun of Whitney, a group of tall, athletic African-American gentlemen walked past. UVA hoops star Junior Burrough stood out, but not nearly as much as his friend, the mere presence of whom caused me to exclaim with much glee, “Jaleel!”.

Perhaps it was the accumulated effect of more than a few adult beverages, or maybe it was the way the late afternoon light caught his face, but I’m pretty sure Jaleel White was psyched that I called him by his real name, and not that of his television alter ego. In my mind, he tells his version of this story to anyone who’ll listen, tells them that he’s an actor, dammit, not a character. And people know his name.

G:TB certainly does.

Quick Thoughts While Waiting for the Immodium to Kick In

Some quick thoughts on food, drink, traps and other inane items after a long weekend in Chicago with the family to visit DB, official friend of G:TB:

1) Wrigley Field is an absolutely fantastic place to watch a ballgame. I enjoyed my first Old Style draft beer there on Sunday....as well as my second, third, fourth and fifth. And some Budweiser. I also threw down a brat with onions, an Italian sausage with all the fixings and a sweet cheesy Italian beef sausage (similar to the sandwich above, if you added sweet peppers and a mighty dollop of cheese). For dinner, I added a few sushi rolls and more yellow American beer. Let's just say that I pushed the toilet handle a few times on Monday. But good times all the way around.



2) I liked the "Go Cubs Go" song more than I would've thought. They played it at the end of the game. Maybe it was the gallon of cheap beer, but it was a good time to stand and sing with 35,000 other people (Note: It was definitely the gallon of cheap beer).

3) If you want to know how many beers you need to drink before you think it's a great idea to buy a Fukudome shirt, the answer is "a whole lot."

4) Struggling with an overtired 1 year-old on a flight who refuses to sleep in your lap is not good times. Not for me, not for the guy next to me who got kicked in the ribs, and not for the Filipino woman in front of me who had the top of her head smacked. Twice. It's amazing the power a 1 year-old can generate with a downward swinging open hand gesture.



5) I get the sense that Michelle Obama could pick up a pair of 90 lb. dumbbells and rip off a set of 25 shrugs without a grimace. A striking, intelligent woman she is, but one with abnormally strong traps. That's all I could think about during the parts of her speech I watched. I kept ratcheting up the weight in my head that I bet she could shrug when she has her "Shoulder Day" workout.

6) Anthony Davis, Rutgers' new left tackle, is the second coming of Michael Oher. I guess that makes him the third coming of Orlando Pace. Or Jonathan Ogden. Or the fourth coming of Anthony Munoz. Something like that. But the guy's good. And Rutgers will be better than people think this year in the Big East.

Aint' Too Proud to Beg. Or Steal

During my well-documented lunchtime trip to Chick-Fil-A, I caught a few minutes of Dan Patrick's radio program. His poll question today intrigued me so much - mostly because of my immediate answer, one that surprised me - that I want to share it with you: if you could win a gold medal by cheating, but there was no chance you could get caught, would you do it?

For me, the answer is simple. It depends.

More to the point, in the words of the great American P.Diddy, nee Puff Daddy, nee Sean Combs, it's all about the Benjamins. If I could win a gold medal in an event that ensured a built-in marketing-driven lifetime annuity, like the 100m dash, or the decathalon, or a swimming sprint, count me in. I've got a family to feed, clothe, educate, and marry off. I could live with the resultant guilt because I'd know I did it for my kids. If I was competing in Finn-class sailing, well, I guess I'd take my chances with my God-given abilities.

Which, at least in Finn-class sailing, are fairly limited.

Doing my part...

I had some other pressing issues that had to be attended to this morning, so I wasn't able to throw together a little post to go with a liveblog of the USA-Argentina game. Of course, since I took the early morning off, the guys on Team USA got all discouraged and came out flat in the 2nd quarter thus allowing Argentina to climb back into the game without the help of an injured Manu Ginobili. Luis Scola is having his way with us inside and the U.S. has been stifled by the Argentine zone, resulting in way too many three point attempts and sloppy passes. Which has , not suprisingly, resulted in a lack of cohesiveness within the halfcourt offense.

Now, I may not be as patriotic as Geoff (read: I don't get drunk and listen to Toby Keith records by myself) but I'll be damned if I'm gonna let America lose to a bunch of swarthy, flopping, gesticulating Argentines just because I couldn't be bothered to put a blog post up about this meeting of international basketball superpowers. So there you go...I'm doing my part...now do yours and join me in the comments for the second half.

Nobody is canoeing down my street today...so thats good.

As I'm sure you're aware, I've been a bit busy these past few days. Busy doing nothing. While that may sound odd, thats essentially what a hurricane or tropical storm can/will do to you if its not serious enough to merit an evacuation. You're busy making sure that the doors of your home aren't letting water in and that you are as prepared as you can be should your home face any major flood or wind related damage but, essentially, you aren't doing anything 90% of the time. Just sitting around listening to the rain and watching the radar for updates. You can't do anything else. Its windy, its raining (in this case for three days straight) and, quite often, the roads are not fit for driving. I've never been snowed in but I imagine the feeling is awfully similar and that, in both cases, you're dying to get out of the house by the second day.

Dont get me wrong, its not exactly horrible to have an excuse to sit around your house, drink and play Wii but, even that can get tiresome when you don't have any other options. In the end, I probably shouldn't have mocked this storm to the degree I did, but there was no way to know that Fay was going to park herself above my town and proceed dump rain endlessly for 3 days. I mean, who would've guess a tropical storm would break rainfall records throughout the county and while resulting in wide spread power outages? Certainly not me. Hell, I thought it was ridiculous that school was being canceled. Now, school won't be back in session until Monday, there are tons of areas still under multiple feet of water and most people just want to get back to living their everyday lives. Obviously, things could've been worse for me. I was never once concerned about my house or my family, I got to get drunk for a couple days straight and through it all, I had the Olympics to provide me with a steady diet of worthwhile TV.

Ceai: Olympic Version

Checking in from Beijing (Fairfax, actually) with an update on our brothers and sisters from Romania. Gheorghe’s countryfolk are even with Michael Phelps (more like <, but who’s counting) at the time of this post, collecting a total of 8 medals (4 golds, 1 silver, and 3 bronzes).

Gymnast Sandra Isbaza broke the heart of America’s darlings by winning gold in the floor exercise, despite being scared of tennis rackets and swords. Meanwhile, Viorica Susana and Georgeta (her name appears to be missing a few ‘h’s) Andrunache struck metal in the women’s pair rowing event. Alina Alexandra Dumitru won the women’s extra lightweight 2% non-fat judo competition, and as a door prize, will receive a free rhinoplasty. Finally, and not to be overlooked, Constantina Tomescu, a 38 year-old mother, won the marathon. Bad mothershutyourmouth.

Oh, and in semi-related news, the U.S. Softball team lost to Chaminade, er, Japan in the gold medal game. First the clever little Nipponese win the World Baseball Classic, now they’ve vanquished Jenny Finch (Cat Osterman, really). What’s next, Toyota will be the world’s leading carmaker? Mrs. Fields’ Apple Pies will be replaced by Sara Li?

Apologies in Advance

I just saw my first Usain Bolt > Michael Phelps headline. Are we so bereft of original thought as a blogosphere and a society, and so slavishly devoted to faux controversy that we can’t do better than this? Usain Bolt is a thunderclap, a freakishly talented athlete who will likely redefine our notion of the possible. And, oh, by the way, so is Michael Phelps. Tiger Woods, too, and LeBron James. Can we add them to the >>> circlejerk, too?

Sometimes, instead of posing unanswerable questions and drawing absurdist lines in the sand of athletic accomplishment to get more pageviews, maybe we should just stand back and say, “Holy Shit. That dude’s awesome. I’m really glad I got to watch that.”

/crotchety old codger rant

Overlooked and Underpaid

Frankly, you have my deepest apologies for taking so long to get this online:

Former Yankees pitcher Hideki Irabu was arrested Wednesday for allegedly assaulting a bartender after drinking 20 mugs of beer, a police official said. Irabu, 39, became angered after his credit card was rejected. He then allegedly pushed the bartender against the wall, pulled his hair and smashed at least nine liquor bottles at a bar in Osaka, western Japan.