Man do I wish I was a left-hander closer today...

Well, I certainly got the Heisman wrong a couple weeks ago (thank goodness my opinion means absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things...hell, in that regard, I should be a voter in the Harris Poll). My earlier choice, Vincent Young, managed to look less than stellar against A&M on national TV (and was I in a food coma or did Dennis Franchione bust out the wishbone?) - combine that with Reggie Bush's 500 yard game against Fresno State, and you have Matt Leinart or Bush as your Hesiman winner. Whoever has the bigger field day against the porous UCLA defense will be walking away with the hardware December 10 (which means at least 1 of the 50 donkeys dressed up as Santa at Cafe Saint-Ex will need to keep an eye on the tube).

All this talk of Reggie and Matt logically leads me to next year's draft...and let me just say I couldn't be prouder of my Jets for forging ahead with their plan to completely tank the season by dropping a very winnable game in the fourth quarter against Joe Horn and the New Orleans Crusaders. I mean, of course New Orleans would win - they're led by Joe Theismann's "Coach of the Year" Jim Haslett. A look at the teams lined up at the Union Station liquor store hoping to win the "Pick a USC Player #1" Powerball drawing:

**Houston, 1-10: The Texans monumental choke job against the Rams still has them as the leader in the clubhouse for Leinart or Bush. The saving grace for the Jets - Houston plays 4 of their final 5 games against teams on this pitiful list, meaning 2 wins (hell, reach for the stars Dom Capers...3 wins) is not out of the question.
**San Francisco, 2-9: They've hitched their wagon to Alex Smith (or so it seems), so even if they draft #1 the Jets would get Leinart at #2. Plus the 49ers have Arizona and Houston on their remaining schedule, so a win is a definite possibility (look how big that January 1st game is between Houston and San Fran).
**NY Jets, 2-9: No matter how may motivational speeches Herm Edwards gives his team, I can't see a way the Jets don't pick #1 or #2, and thank god for that. Leinart or Bush would become an instant media sensation in NY, and you're telling me the Post and Daily News wouldn't love Manning/Leinart features for the next 10 years? The Jets might win one more game, against either Oakland or Buffalo, but I wouldn't count on it. 2-14 here we come.
**Green Bay, 2-9: Brett Favre. Yikes. I haven't seen a worse farewell tour since Spinal Tap's "farewell comeback tour" in '84 (or was it the "comeback farewell tour"?). They took Aaron Rodgers last year, so I'm pretty sure they're all about Bush (and if you think I'm not enjoying typing "bush" this many times, well, you're nuts). The Pack might get to 4-12 by beating the Ravens and Lions...or Favre completely throws this season away and Peter King hangs himself in a Colgate dorm in shame.
**New Orleans, 3-8: If Joe Horn had his way, the Saints would draft #1, #2 and #3 because Paul Tagliabue didn't send him a Vermont Teddy Bear after Hurricane Katrina. Thank god they beat the Jets Sunday night, because they're going winles in their final five games.
**Arizona, 3-8: Denny Green, your team sucks. But you do get the 49ers and Texans in the season's final 5 games. Stop playing Warner and you might win those two.
**Baltimore, 3-8: This season couldn't be happening to a nicer guy. Baltimore's probably getting to five wins and hopefully canning Billick as fast as possible.
**Tennessee, 3-8: Norm Chow and Steve McNair, starring in Rush Hour 3. Until Sunday's offensive explosion, I figured the Titans were 3-13 bound. But they get Houston in 2 weeks, so hopefully win 4 keeps them behind the Jets.

Very briefly...Notre Dame is going to the Fiesta Bowl. The Fiesta Bowl wants Notre Dame and not Oregon. Ducks fans, your screaming and whining will not change their minds. Despite your mind-numbingly ugly unis, you are not the national draw Notre Dame is. I know you only have 1 loss. Sorry, it's a business decision. And yes, Auburn fans, I realize your 9-2 was probably tougher than Notre Dame's 9-2, but again, Fiesta Bowl reps don't care. They want the ratings and the buzz. Get ready for Wisconsin and the Capital One Bowl (and all those fucking commercials with the displaced pillagers).

Hey, guess what, the New York Rangers are one of the best teams in hockey through the first third of the season. The only guy who might actually care about this is sequestered in NYC for the next few weeks, pondering how he can get 2 more TVs in his furnished suite so he can watch the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, Nets-Raptors and Prison Break all at once. But the reason the Rangers are on my radar screen (besides the fact that this early season success is their best start in a decade), is that they played in an NHL-record 15 round shootout last week against the Crapitals (and won). They're winning with a productive offense (8th in goals scored) and fantastic defense/special teams (4th in goals against at 2.46/game and 2nd in penalty kill percentage). Perhaps some more NHL nuggets in coming weeks - my burning desire to beat Carter in Yahoo Fantasy Hockey has me tuned into the NHL much more than I should be. Well, that and my insatiable thirst to hear Barrry Melrose pronounce any word with the letter "o" in it.

What a gem I stumbled upon last evening...best two hours of television I've seen in awhile: The Kenny Rogers/Lionel Richie episode of "Crossroads" on CMT (winner of a very close race with PTV's "The Side Boob Hour" and "Midnight Q"). This show has apparently been on for quite awhile, from a look at this roster...how the hell did I miss the Hank Williams Jr./Kid Rock episode? Can I make requests? How much would it cost to get Neil and Barry together on CMT?

How far has Charlie Hustle fallen? I mean, Jayson Stark didn't even write an article about this. Yesterday, Pete Rose's eligibilty for the writers portion of the Baseball Hall of Fame ballot expired. The only way Rose could get in the Hall now would be a vote by the Veterans Committee, and there ain't no way in hell that is happening. "Pete Rose: My Prison Without Bars" didn't exactly work out the way Pete had hoped. Or maybe this is continued backlash for the ESPN "Hustle" advertising assault (by the way, not that you care, but I absolutely believe Rose should be in the Hall of Fame, based on his on the field performance). Three very interesting candidates for the Hall of Fame Class of 2006 - Orel Hershiser, Dwight Gooden and, for the first time, Albert "Don't Call Him Joey" Belle.

Has the Ford family ever stopped to think that Matt Millen might be the problem?

Let the Holiday Season begin...

GTB hopes everyone had a relaxing Thanksgiving Break, full of much food and sports...I sure know I did. With the introduction of ESPN's college hoops Feast Week last week I now have the NFL, NBA, NHL (you know, hockey...you remember hockey right?) and College Basketball on my sports plate. Good times all around. Plus there's only 27 shopping days left until Christmas...get in line now for your XBox 360...

You know how I really know it's the Holiday Season? (besides the fact there were approximately 1 million donkeys, myself included, staring at an undecorated tree in Rockefeller Center Saturday) I heard that god awful "Christmas Eve in Washington" song yesterday for the first time, which actually is quite shocking because our local "All Christmas Tunes All The Time Station", WASH FM 97.1, had the audacity to start playing holiday tunes a WEEK before Thanksgiving. You've gotta be kidding me...while driving roughly 975 miles this weekend we must've passed by 20 stations on the East Coast devoted to all holiday tunes all the time. But only here do we get that fucking terrible "Christmas Eve in Washington" song. It makes me long for the song about the poor kid who can't buy his dying mom some shoes or some shit, I don't know, real touching crap. Or even "Dominic the Italian Christmas Donkey". Now that's a holiday tune...

WaterBall...(sorry about that, force of habit...moving on...)

Ah yes, the aforementioned ESPN Feast Week. I love me some college hoops, and Feast Week did not disappoint (quick aside - did John Gulager's Project Greenlight film "Feast" ever get released? After watching quite a few of those episodes, I thought that movie had some promise. At least more than that piece of shit "Stolen Summer" film). The guy getting the most pub coming out of Feast Week is Gonzaga's Adam Morrison (dropping 43 in a triple OT victory will do that for you), but I wanted to mention two other guys I saw shine last week (and maybe mention them before Dickie V gets all their junk in his mouth):

• Maurice Ager, Michigan State - Ager, along with 12-year college vet Paul Davis, can make this a special season in East Lansing (hey, looks like Mooch will soon be there as well...) Ager carried the Spartans in Maui (and had an epic battle with Morrison), and looks like he might finally be able to consistently nail a jumper.
• LaMarcus Aldridge, Texas - Aldridge looked like Kenyon Martin or Marcus Camby during the Guardians Classic. He was a beast at both ends of the floor, and Texas looks like a serious contender for a national title as long as he stays healthy (and P.J. Tucker opens a book).

And in case you missed some of Feast Week, the ACC/Big Ten Challenge is this week. It's time to shift a little of that NFL concentration to the hardwood...root for Duke to lose (let's see if Dennis is paying attention).

It's been a tough month for DC sports teams. I don't think I need to mention the Redskins woes of late, I'm sure the Wheelhouse will tackle that this week. I guess the only saving grace for Skins fans is that they don't have to play another AFC team this year (Danny's boys are 0-4 against the AFC this year). At 5-6, they're not dead yet, especially with St. Louis and Arizona up the next two weeks, but it's an uphill climb. And what about my dearest Wizards? Uh, where do I start...well, not here, because I have a tad more real work to do, but tomorrow we can address the terribly inconsistent Wiz (6-7 on the year) and see what the hell is going wrong on Fun Street (thank god their division is absolutely atrocious). Oh yeah, DC has a hockey team, the Capitals. They play at the MCI Center. I don't think they're very good.

GTB Money Saving Tip of the Day: For the love of god, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT spend your money on the John Cusack/Billy Bob film "The Ice Harvest." It fails as a black comedy, it fails as a caper movie, it just plain fails. Trust me...and I am a big Cusack fan. I'm not even sure the people who made the movie read the book it's based on...just complete junk. The only highlight of this trip to the movies was the preview for the upcoming Johnny Knoxville vehicle, in which he plays a normal dude pretending to be handicapped so he can win the Special Olympics, with Rip Torn as his coach. I smell Oscar...

Sideline question of the year, courtesy of ABC sideline reporter Suzy Shuster, after Nebraska coach Bill Callahan had a Gatorade bucket dumped on his head (amazingly, Nebraska destroyed Colorado after looking like dung all season):
"Was that one of the more gratifying dumps you've had?"

And finally...WaterBall (sorry, couldn't help myself)

Happy Thanksgiving...

...to the best damn readers Gheorghe's money can buy...

Up Late with McBain

I can only go so long without throwing up some interweb beauts (damn it, no OJ news)...well, at least I found them to be beauts, you might find them a momentary diversion from a mundane morning...anyway, the Wiz play at Minnesota tonight so I either need to stop fucking around doing "links" posts and do the Wiz Watch this morning, or be supremely lazy and do nothing at all and see how early BLS MVP Laster can hit the local watering holes...let's see what the Magic 8 Ball says...

** I haven't talked about them much, because really, what is there to write about a 2-7 football team that is getting worse. HOWEVAH, there is much speculation that if the Great Cryer (Dick Vermeil, not Jon "Duckie" Cryer) leaves Kansas City after this season, current Jets coach Herm Edwards would be the likely replacement. The same guy who gave us "You Play To Win The Game" and "How The Jets Win" yesterday went from having one foot out the door to reiterating his commitment to be the Jets coach next year. I'm not gonna shed a tear if Herm leaves (though I'm sure Jason Whitlock will have something to say) - all I need to know is whether to buy the Leinart jersey or the Bush jersey. This Jets season is uglier than the Defenestration of Prague. [NY Daily News]

** OK, so I guess the Mets aren't using Mike Cameron in a package for Manny Ramirez...I am a bit curious to see how the Mets plan to use Xavier Nady. He's always been regarded as a prospect with tremendous UPPPSIDE...but he has struggled at times and been shifted around between 1st Base and the Outfield. If the Mets really want to grab Carlos Delgado from the Marlins, Nady's gotta be going to the OF. Where does that leave Victor Diaz? (Whit or Jerry, this is where your expertise comes in handy) Oh, and to Mike Cameron...congrats...enjoy the spacious outfield at Petco, the fantastic weather in San Diego, the fish tacos, and Shamu. Say hi to Joyner for me. [Newsday]

** Vaya con Dios...Olin Kreutz, Fred Miller, Johnny Utah, and Bodhi (perhaps sprinkle in some crazy ass Angelo Pappas). Is that how this went down? That's how I'm picturing it. "You crossed the line. People trusted you and they died. You gotta' go down." Who says beers, BBQ, an FBI shooting range and meathead linemen don't mix? [Chicago Sun Times]

Shifting gears for a moment, yesterday was a big day down at the Cracker Factory...it was Girl Scout Cookie Day. That's right, for the seventh year in a row that I've brought home a paycheck and taken it "Oz"-style from Da Man in the form of FICA taxes, this guy has two boxes of delicious Trefoils sitting on his desk (actually, one sleeve is in the bottom desk drawer, one sleeve is on top of my computer, and one sleeve is hidden for emergency reasons...that fourth sleeve, well, the poor fella never had a chance). Trefoils are, of course, the greatest of all Girl Scout Cookies...

** This reality show has every chance to shatter the bar for "dumbest collection of people on Earth." [London Evening Standard]

** This is a scary link on several levels. First, in honor of Rivalry Week, Fox delivers the geriatric Battle of the Ages, Dick Clark vs. Regis Philbin. Look closer, for there is a darker horror...Clark's replacement...I think "no talent hack" describes him best. [Variety]

** Two gems courtesy of Page 6...Anna Nicole's in training for the upcoming WNBA season...and seriously, would it have killed Paris to name the monkey "Mr. Teeny"? [Courtesy of, meaning copied and pasted from, Page 6]

-- Anna Nicole Smith showed up at Hamburger Mary's in West Hollywood to play bingo for charity last week and took home quite a prize - a barmaid. Tracy, a pretty blonde, allowed herself to be picked up by the former Playmate and was later bragging about the night she spent with Smith, sharing pictures from her digital camera with patrons at the bar. "She wasn't keeping it a secret," a PAGE SIX source relates. "Anna Nicole put her in handcuffs and her neck was covered with hickeys." The source added, "Anna Nicole was doing that butt-slapping thing...it was just bizarre. And her son was in the house." Calls to Tracy and Smith were not returned.

-- Paris Hilton's new pet monkey, Baby Luv, went bananas when she took the peeved primate on a lingerie shopping spree in Las Vegas last weekend.

** In case you didn't notice (and it's OK if you didn't...it took Cornell almost beating Syracuse for me to notice), the college basketball season has begun. I am a huge college hoops fan, and I particularly enjoy some of the early season tournaments, as you can occasionally get a beat on who might have a breakout season before Thanksgiving even hits. Four ranked teams play tonight on ESPN and The Ocho:

Florida vs. #18 Wake Forest
#16 Syracuse vs. Texas Tech
#12 Memphis vs. #14 Alabama
Temple vs. #18 UCLA

Keep an eye on slick James Calipari at Memphis and the Ben Howland-led squad at UCLA. These teams might be very good and no one realizes it yet. Since I need to craft more prose each week, I'm hoping to supplement the Wiz Watch with some sort of GTB College Hoops Report, you know, some nonsensical poll or list or some other crap you may or may not read. Moving on...on the hardwood last night Dennis' favorite squadron beat Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle 92-40 in a CYO game. [ESPN]

** That reminds me...ESPN.com has thrown up the The Great College Hoops Tournament in honor of the season beginning, and it truly is a great parlor game. UCLA's all-time roster vs. Louisville's all-time roster? Kentucky vs. Syracuse? I plan to waste a good part of my afternoon messing around with this. The only real problem I see is that Scoop Jackson seems to be involved. I'd rather watch Skip Bayless debate Joey Lawrence (all complaints regarding complete loss of work productivity should be sent to Chocolate City reader Michael E.) [Page 2]

** What I'm reading when not typing these magnificent posts - FireJoeMorgan.com. I was pimping these guys a few weeks ago, and they tickled my fancy again yesterday with their absolute hatchet job of "Around the Horn" and LA Times uber donkey Bill Plaschke. Any guy who makes Woody Paige look good needs to be pummeled. [Fire Joe Morgan]

And finally, a salute to a guy who is fast becoming a Gheroghe favorite, Mr. Clinton Portis...
- First, he was Southeast Jerome (Afro wig, fake gold teeth, mask and cape)
- Then apparently Jerome died a tragic death, and it was Dr. Don't Know (pink wig, pink Mardi Gras glasses, huge fake black mustache)
- And now, we've got Sheriff Gonna Get Ya (black wig, bug-eyed shades and sheriff's badge...just look at that photo) - the Sheriff is apparently tracking the Southeast Jerome case. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

It's a Saturday night special...

...Got a barrel that's blue and cold
Ain't no good for nothin'
But put a man six feet in a hole

Just three weeks ago, in this space and countless (real) media outlets around the nation, Auburn kicker John Vaughn was dead and buried after missing 5 field goals in an OT loss to LSU. Well, Mr. Vaughn, I salute you for stepping up and making the huge kick against Georgia Saturday night. Yeah, it was a chip shot, but if you saw Tommy Tuberville's post-game interview, I don't think anyone on the Auburn sideline was taking that kick for granted, not the way things have gone for Johnny V all season. Here's hoping the kicker was “rewarded” for his effort late night...
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It's coming down to the wire for the Heisman, and here are one guy’s humble choices to head to NYC…
Vince Young (has all the momentum in the world while playing Pop Warner teams):
155-of-244 passing, 2,414 yards, 22 touchdowns, 8 interceptions
117 rushes, 774 yards, 8 touchdowns

Matt Leinart (Herm Edwards is gonna love this kid):
211-of-318 passing, 3,017 yards, 23 touchdowns, 7 interceptions
35 rushes, 34 yards, 5 touchdowns

Reggie Bush (needs a dynamic SportsCenter highlight play to regain early season pub):
140 rushes, 1,104 yards, 11 touchdowns
28 receptions, 315 yards, 2 touchdowns
16 punt returns, 162 yards, 1 touchdown

Brady Quinn (perhaps a homer pick, but he at least needs to be in the conversation…that Michigan State loss becomes worse by the week):
217-of-330 passing, 2,931 yards, 27 touchdowns, 5 interceptions
51 rushes, 99 yards, 1 touchdown

[Believe it or not, there’s a QB in the land with better passing numbers than all of these guys – Drew Olson of UCLA (218-of-322 passing, 2,909 yards, 30 touchdowns, 3 interceptions). Unfortunately, UCLA’s drubbing at the hands of Arizona might’ve caused many writers to ignore the Bruins this week, missing Olson’s 510 yard, 5 TD performance. It’s OK Drew, everyone has forgotten about my favorite guy Maurice Drew as well. Now, if you go out and beat USC in an Arena Football shoot-out the writers might just need to rethink those votes.]

After looking at the numbers, it’s hard NOT to pick Leinart. He’s the superstar QB of a team that’s won 32 straight games, he has phenomenal numbers AND he was last year’s Heisman winner. HOWEVAH, Bush and Leinart are going to split some votes (and heck, LenDale White might steal a few votes too), and Vince Young will benefit big from this. Right now, November 14, 2005, I’m handing the Heisman Trophy to Vince Young.
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How happy is Steve Spurrier today? After what can only be described as an unmitigated coaching disaster in Washington, Spurrier returned to college football and the SEC, taking over the reins from Lou Holtz at South Carolina. Spurrier could've been outcoached by Radio while leading the Skins...in the last two weeks he's beaten his nemesis Phatty Phil Fulmer and new Florida hotshot Urban Meyer. You think the 'ol ball coach isn't loving every minute of this? South Carolina's won 5 SEC games in a row (ranked #19 in the AP poll today) and still has an outside shot of making the SEC title game (of course their fate is in the hands of Kentucky, but whatever, there’s a slight chance).
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OK, I'll say it - the Minnesota Golden Gophers are the Denver Broncos of college football. Just like Mike Shanahan in Denver, the coaches in Minnesota seem to be able to plug any back into the system and produce a 100 yard performance. Shanahan’s given us Terrell Davis, Olandis Gary, Mike Anderson, Clinton Portis, Reuben Droughns, Quentin Griffin and Tatum Bell in recent years. Glen Mason and Minnesota, in just the last 2 years, have produced Marion Barber III (stealing Julius Jones’ job in Dallas), Laurence Maroney, Gary Russell and, yesterday, some kid named Amir Pinnix (32 rushes for 206 yards). If I knew who their OL coach was I’d throw him a bone, but I’m too lazy to look it up.
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There has been a ton of talk this year about how dreadful the NFC North is. Well, let me submit that the AFC East, despite housing the defending Super Bowl champs, is an equally dreadful division. New England is the only team above .500, and they barely beat Miami yesterday. The Patriots are 5-4 despite being outscored by 33 points this year. The starting QBs in the AFC East (minus the handsome Tom Brady) – Gus Frerotte, J.P. Losman (I’m assuming he stole his job back yesterday) and Brooks Bollinger. Yikes. The Jets are 2-7, and really, I don’t see any way they finish better than 3-13 (if they’re lucky). There is no way the Pats don’t win this thing, but don’t be surprised if they limp in at 8-8 or 9-7.
****
Biggest mismatch to hit the court this year? Anyone vs. the Raptors? Nope. Larry Brown vs. Stephon Marbury? Nope. It’s the team of Greg Anthony/Dopey/Happy/Grumpy/Doc vs. Dee Brown/Bashful/Sleepy/Sneezy/Doctor J. Is Rob Babcock making Anthony’s personnel decisions? Passing up Julius Erving for a dwarf with an untradeable max contract in Doc? Unforgivable. And Anthony already has the Lamar Odom of dwarves. What a HORRIBLE mismatch. Dr. J is going to crush these guys.
****
Now, not having the DirectTV package, I am often subjected to some miserable football games on Sunday, most often involving the Brian Billick-led Baltimore Ravens. Well, I did get the rotten Ravens yesterday, but I was luckily able to ignore them as Fox showed the Giants/Vikings game (and that Skins/Bucs game was one of the better regular season games in recent memory). Not a lot to be said, as the mocking of the Giants effort and “special” teams has already been done by this blogosphere’s Giants fan. But can we talk about this list that Antonio Pierce keeps, of the 31 linebackers taken ahead of him in the 2001 draft (he was an undrafted free agent)? He apparently gets great joy out of crossing their names off the list each time one of these guys leaves the league...anyone else getting that “Steve Buscemi in Billy Madison” vibe from Antonio?
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The MLS Cup is poop.
****
More on the Wiz later in the week...for now, I'll just say Gilbert Arenas is an absolute animal...I saw him single-handedly destroy the Spurs Saturday night…

Why not today?

It’s Wednesday, so why not the GTB Weekly Wiz Watch (I'm a big fan of alliteration)...

Washington Wizards, 3-0
1st in the Southeast Division
2nd in the Eastern Conference
#1 in our hearts

The Wiz have opened the season strong, albeit against weak competition, with wins at Toronto (99-96) and New York (86-75), and a home victory against Orlando 87-79. As Geoff mentioned yesterday, they're 3-0 for the first time since they won a title (and as Slater just mentioned in an email, a win tonight would be the first 4-0 start for the Chocolate City franchise since 1977…and no, I’m not fact checking their work). The Wiz have three crappy teams in their division (and one 800 lb. gorilla in Miami) and have to continue to win these types of games against the NBA’s dregs to have any chance at a top-4 finish and homecourt in the playoffs (that’s right Whitney, we can start the playoff talk right now…and just keep it going until I am 24 Coors Light richer).

Antawn Jamison and Gilbert Arenas have been the stars for the Wiz in Games 1-3 (as expected), Jamison scoring 29 against the hapless Raptors and Arenas dropping 27 and 30 against NY and Orlando, respectively. My boy Brendan Haywood had 14 boards against Toronto, and Michael Ruffin (5 boards a game) and Jared Jeffries have also been solid contributors on the glass in the early going (Jamison is averaging almost 10 boards a game, impressive for a guy with a creaky knee). Newcomer Antonio Daniels still needs to figure out how he best fits into this team, but the 5 assists a game are a good start (hopefully his ankle is fine too). Calvin Booth is still a huge donkey.

***Just a few words on the first three opponents…
The Toronto Raptors are already 0-4 and are atrocious. Rookie Charlie Villanueva looks like a 6’8” mochachino “Powder”, the Raptors start the druglord from Miami Vice in Jose Calderon, and their star player, Chris Bosh, still looks like he might break in half from a stiff breeze. Their GM is a laughingstock, and their veteran “leader” is Jalen Rose. That about covers it…these clowns are winning 15 games max.

Ah yes, how could we forget lovable Larry Brown moving on to his dream job in NY. The Knicks also happen to be winless as of this post, and Brown is already trying to move Jamal Crawford (OK, I have no proof of that, but I’m betting Peter Vescey already has a few fictional deals in place for Crawford). They traded Michael Sweetney, who I’m pretty sure can be a contributor in this league if someone would ever give him the minutes, for Eddy Curry, who Swint affectionately called “Hank Gathers” a few weeks back. Larry hates young guys, yet the best players on this team are probably Stockard Channing Frye, David Lee and (I can’t believe I’m going to type this) Trevor Ariza. This might play out very poorly for Larry.

The Orlando Magic. Hmmm, let’s see – the guy they drafted, Fran Vazquez, refused to play with them, instead staying in Spain. Dwight Howard is a legit beast, but he’s surrounded by Stevie Migraine, Hedo Turkoglu and Kelvin Cato. Grant Hill, in the most shocking announcement of the year, is hurt again. I can’t even tell you who their coach is (wow, Brian Hill…never would’ve guessed it). HOWEVAH, I will say they’re better than NY or Toronto. So Coach Hill has that going for him.

****
Now, defensively, the Wiz have held two of three opponents below 80 points (understanding that, yes, these teams are poop). All three opponents shot less than 40% from the floor. Excellent. That said, giving up 96 to the very questionable Toronto team on the road is disconcerting, but it’s not like Washington will ever be a defensive juggernaut. Just keep outscoring the competition…a system Gilbert is certainly happy with.

What the Wiz be saying…not only is he my breakout guy of the year, Mr. Haywood is apparently the team comic:
“We've even got Gilbert Arenas playing some defense this year."
Well, I don’t know about that…Gilbert is as allergic to defense as I am to Tide laundry detergent.

Tonight, the Wiz continue their four game homestand against the 3-1 L.A. Clippers (good seats might still be available…) Seattle and San Antonio stop by Dream, H2O, and the MCI Center over the weekend. I’m thinking the Wiz take 2 of 3 (losing to Timmy Afro) and come next week we will be discussing the surging 5-1 Washington Wizards (actually, as long as the Skins stay in the playoff hunt, NOBODY is talking about the Wiz. Except Slater I guess. And GTB.)

LUNCH UPDATE: I was working on this in the morning (I know, shocking), but didn't get it wrapped up before I had my nice 6 month lunch with HR (I guess checking to make sure I don't want to jump off the roof or something...I don't, in case you cared). Well, long story short, we're eating at Bistro Bis, about a block away from my work, and in walk Hulk Hogan and Virgial...OK, not really, but Chris Kaman and Chris Wilcox strolled by the table, and those are two very tall, VERY ugly dudes (looks like the Clippers are staying at the Hotel George if anyone wants to play that Junkies game of "Bother the Pro"...202-347-4200, ask for Mr. Rebraca, I'm betting he doesn't use an alias). Alas, before I could chat up said Clippers, the two disappeared into a very private back room for their pommes frittes. And SG wasn't exaggerating...Kaman is a dead ringer for the Hulkster right now.

Ryan Atwood, Fluffer

OK, so I was in San Francisco for work last week, and finally got back Monday night. I’ve been tired all week, and though we just spent a week out of the office, the “boss” types in the office decided to stick a bunch of TPS Reports on my desk for my return. Needless to say, I haven’t crafted anything much better than a comment or two since I’ve been back. HOWEVAH, a delicious turkey sandwich and several cups of afternoon coffee have me raring to go…

Thanks to some solid advice from Hot Action “House Ninja” MJ I flew jetBlue from Dulles to Oakland…and man was it worth it. The claims of more legroom might be a tad exaggerated (or I just might be a long legged ogre), but none of it matters because of the DIRECTV in the back of each seat. Five hours in a plane have never seemed shorter. There was no stopping the channel flipping…all the ESPNs (the Don Larsen SportsCentury was pretty good; even 30 seconds of “Rome Is Burning” is bad for your health), VH1 (caught several “I Love The 80s: 3D” episodes – let’s just say they could’ve stopped at “I Love The 80s Strikes Back”), VH1 Classic (the Eddy Grant “Electric Avenue” video and Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams…And Into My Car” being my favs), the Food Network (a great show on candy hosted by that dude from DoubleDare), a “Top 100 Scariest Movie Moments” marathon on Bravo and “Nightmare on Elm Street” in it’s entirety after that marathon (Johnny Depp is dreamy). One of the better flying experiences of my life…I did want to point out though that the Oakland airport is a complete shithole, and after driving past Oakland’s downtown, the airport seems to properly reflect the general aesthetic appeal of Oaktown.

I was generally confined to an area of San Fran that houses the large Moscone Convention Center where our conference was held (down by Union Square for those of you that know the town). Lots of hotels, shops (both boutique and chain), restaurants and of course bars. Working 12 hour days schmoozing with 30,000 realtors didn’t leave a lot of time (or energy) for exploring the city, but I did manage to eat a good dinner in the Pacific Heights area (see that movie if you haven’t - a very good and underrated psychological thriller) and hit up some bar called Asia SF…which, aside from having a crowded dance club downstairs blaring Nelly and 50 Cent, had a “Coyote Ugly”-esque drag show at the upstairs bar. Now, it might’ve been Halloween weekend, but I got the felling San Fran parties this way all year long. I managed to take down several beers at a safe distance from all the Buffalo Bills at the bar (the scary “Silence of the Lambs” Bills, not J.P. Losman and Nate Clements). I love when girls bitch and moan about drag queens - “Look at that…I wish I had an ass like that” – Ladies, it’s a dude, let it go. One of the Chicago IT guys just sent pictures of a large gathering at the W Hotel one night, and let’s just say everyone looked like they had a GREAT time. One other thing about San Fran that needs to be examined (I’m not going where you think I’m going)…

What is the deal with the homeless? I mean, Jesus Christ, you have got to be kidding me. This is the most aggressive and crazy group of homeless people I have ever encountered. “No” apparently means “Please follow me for blocks and perhaps even try to pickpocket me in broad daylight”. It’s like they shipped in 1,000 homeless Carl Everetts. Now, maybe it was the area I was staying in, but in talking to folks throughout the week, it seems ALL of the homeless in San Fran behave like this. It was a tad unsettling walking three blocks at dusk…and I’m a pretty large (re: fat) guy. I can only imagine how the ladies felt. Take the time today to thank your DC/MD/VA homeless for not being like the group in SF. Then run like hell from them before they touch you.

(Whitney, you might as well head to the Dubliner now…this paragraph does not apply to you at all) As the subject line indicates, the MLB Playoffs are over, and that means a return to normalcy for FOX Primetime broadcasting (Question – Which show gets cancelled first, “Bones” or “Killer Instinct”?). The O.C. and Reunion were back on the air last night, and as SportsGuy pointed out awhile back, the O.C really knows how to burn through storylines. I thought last night’s episode was pretty good, but it was almost ridiculous that in the last 15 minutes: Seth and Summer managed to bust Taylor, Sandy subsequently busted the Dean, Marisa and Ryan had an emotional good-bye AND Marisa and Ryan had an emotional reunion. I wouldn’t have minded if it took another episode…slow down fellas…we’re still gonna watch. As for Reunion, I’ve been with it since Episode 1, mainly because I thought the premise had promise (huh?). Memo to the people behind Reunion: I’m going to need some better scripts in upcoming weeks, or I will never make it to the exciting 2005 conclusion. I saw better emotion and chemistry between characters in the last Star Wars flick…and it’s not necessary to make every episode have some over-the-top twist, just weave a tale that keeps me glued to the TV in the hour following the O.C. That’s all Fox suits want, that’s all I want.

Now, I’ve got to go “prepare” for tomorrow’s Homecoming II…Whit, practice beers at the Dubliner/Times?

Obligatory image file...these girls are looking might fine...

Cagers, Wagers, Lagers

With this site being named what it is, there should really be more Bullets / Wizards content here. And there will be. Of course, I'm no longer the guy to bring it to you, what with me tendering my cancellation notice for season tickets after Season #1 of the "Washington Wizards" era.

TJ provided the initial outlook for the Wiz in '05-'06, but my NBA-appreciative colleague here at the Bureaucracy told me today the Wizards would "suck," and might even "suck bad." This is a shame for b-ball fans who enjoyed the rare taste of success last year, but it makes my bet with Monsignor Simspon look promising. Last year I sourly provided him with 24 Coors Lights after the 'zards made the playoffs. I'd be getting excited about my imminent case of Schlitz were there not 24 Pabsts in unpaid debt already. I'm not calling TJ a welcher by any means, though perhaps something that rhymes with welcher.

So basically this post has no other point in publicly assaulting Tajikistan Simspon for being only mildly tardy (1 month) on my beer. I could just as easily target Rob "The Original Gheorghe" Russell for the three cases he owes me, and unless he wants me to dredge up the why, I'd better be hearing the familiar melody of the neighborhood beer truck soon. But it's more fun to hassle TJ.

Anyway, I'll leave you with an NBA thought that's bound to make you think:

What ever happened to Jim McIlvaine?

I Missed My Nap For This?

Hmm.

The Redskins packed more ineptitude into the three hours of their pants-soiling at the Meadowlands today than TJ jams inappropriate references into a happy hour. And it was all bad, to be sure, but there was one particular level of suck that stood out above (below?) the rest in a way that sours the newly earned optimism in Skins camp.

I have never seen such a drastic case of regression, outside of my own psychological profile, as I saw in Mark Brunell today. This was the Mark Brunell we watched for half a season last year as we clawed our own eyes out. This was the Brunell who made P-Ram look like a pretty good option. Today's Mark Brunell, with the toe-tapping, head-swerving, and obvious unwillingness even to fire a warning shot down the field, was the guy we tried to run out of town last year.
Toe a tee. And that's horrible news for people who had just gotten suckered into believing again. (No, not me, of course not.)

That he had a legion of Jerry Lewises, Chevy Chases, and Chris Farleys alongside him didn't make it any easier for him to succeed, obviously. The runners couldn't, the receivers didn't, the blockers appeared not even to know how, and the defenders -- though taxed by their teammates time and time again -- pretty much tripped over themselves trying to. Penalties, play calls, and missed assignments -- you'd find more heads-up decisions on an episode of Gilligan's Island than in the Skins' portion of this game. But there was nobody who looked as cast away as Mark Brunell, and all we can do is speculate as to why and pray for never again.

It's harder in the NFL to shake this one off. You lose in baseball by a score of 26-3, you're usually back out there in fewer than 24 hours to change things. Similar stories in the NBA and this new hockey league that just started up. The Skins get a week to wallow in the excrement they created for three hours Sunday, and what with there being 18,755 journalists per actual sports new item, they're going to have a lot of unanswerable questions coming at them that will help the wallow. Enjoy, boys.

It will be interesting to see how contagious Brunell's regression is this week. Those of us who predicted 6-10 for Washington, then shied away from that as progress was made, may now begin to revisit those old prognostications with increased confidence in our own premonitory skill. If Bad Brunell shows up next Sunday night versus Philly -- and trust me, we'll know it by series #2 -- the last few weeks are going to feel like the running-on-the-beach dream for the double amputee.

Hey, TeeJay

Happy Anniversary.

"Nobody Does Basketball Better"

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the commercial I saw this morning pushing the 2005-2006 Washington Wizards (a link to the roster for the always fun “What college did they go to?” game). Where in year's past you might read that and laugh uncontrollably for 20 minutes, this year, you might laugh for...oh...20 minutes still, BUT not at The Wiz, rather at the bama who came up with that lame ass slogan. The Wiz have had a pretty active offseason, what with Kwame being traded to L.A., Andray Blatche getting clipped in Jerry’s hood, and of course Kwame again spouting off in the Post, so, without further (Freddy) ado, GTB's look at the 2005-2005 Washington Wizards:

2004-05 Record: 45-37, Finished 2nd in Southeast Division, Tied for 4th in Eastern Conference (6th in the league in scoring)
Won Eastern Conference 1st Round (4-2) over Chicago Bulls (First playoff series win in 23 years)
Lost Eastern Conference Semifinals (4-0) to Miami Heat

OFFSEASON PLAYER MOVEMENT
Players (and bongs) lost: Steve Blake, Kwame Brown, Juan Dixon, Larry Hughes, Laron Profit
Players re-signed: Michael Ruffin
Players added: Chucky Atkins, Andray Blatche, Calvin Booth, Caron Butler, Antonio Daniels, Hiram Fuller, Donnell Taylor

BACKCOURT
Even though Larry Hughes has departed for the sunny shores of Lake Erie, the Wiz still have a solid duo in Gilbert Arenas (25 pts and 5 assists a game) and newly signed Antonio Daniels (11 and 4). Gilbert will continue to fire at will, and in fact, there is no doubt he jacks more shots this year than last with Hughes gone. Geriatric Chucky Atkins (wow, 14 and 4), Caron Butler (an underrated scorer at 15 per game) and Jarvis Hayes (hey Jarvis, how about scaling back the clunkers you throw up there this year ok?) are a versatile trio off the bench (Atkins as a combo guard and Hayes and Butler able to play small forward in addition to shooting guard). I don’t think the loss of Hughes will be as bad as people think – scoring from the backcourt will surely decrease, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing for the Wiz. A few low post baskets or lay-ups per quarter are OK. Bonus points to the backcourt if Donnell Taylor of "Donnell and Ronnell lead UAB to shocking win over Kentucky fame" makes the squad.

FRONTCOURT
Antawn Jamison is the key – as long as his knee holds out, Jamison is an extremely efficient scorer and a Top 40 player in the league (as is Arenas by the way). He plays some of the worst defense I’ve ever seen, but that’s OK, he has these big donkeys to help him out in the paint - Etan Thomas (7 points and 5 rebounds in only 47 games) and Brendan Haywood (9, 7 and 2 blocks a game). Neither is dynamic offensively, but both can hit the glass and score down low when asked (well, OK, not always). Jamison has Butler and Hayes to back him up, as well as Jared “Blow Me Lips” Jeffries. Jeffries is a better defender than both Hayes and Butler, but I wish he would work on his offensive game a bit (just 7 and 5 last year), and stop being so damn gay. High comedy on the bench anytime Peter John Ramos and Andray Blatche try to have a conversation. I just realized I completely forgot Michael Ruffin - well, he's very ugly and a great hustle guy. Done.

BREAKOUT BAMA
Brendan Haywood** – I know, after reading the preceding paragraph, you must wonder what the hell I’m talking about. Well, the kid is only 25 years old, he’s 7 feet tall, and he’s entering his fifth year in the league. As Mr. Mandelbaum would say, "It's Go Time!" The Eastern Conference has room for a second-tier center to have a good campaign, why can’t Haywood throw up a 16, 10, and 2 season? He set career highs in everything last year, he had a solid playoff run, and most importantly, he (hopefully) will get a few more touches with Hughes gone (and that’s even conceding Gilbert jacking a few more threes a game)
**and yes Dennis, I know that no player in the NBA is worse at dropping the ball down on rebounds and getting stripped by midget guards...he's working on it

OUTLOOK
Eddie Jordan seems to know what he’s doing. Ernie Grunfeld seems to know what he’s doing. (and for anyone saying, “Oh Kwame will show them”…please, this is Kwame Brown you’re talking about…just wait until Kobe and Phil get done with him this year) Yes, the Wiz lost Hughes (and Dixon and Blake), but I don’t see a huge drop off with their replacements. Maybe Eddie can convince the guards to get the bigs a little more involved, the Wiz can become a bit more balanced, and stay the course. Much like with Whitney's office, success will be achieved by maintaining the status quo and doing absolutely nothing more. I have this Wiz team going 44-38, and finishing 6th or 7th in the East, playoff bound once again. I believe Whitney and I are renewing the Wizards Playoff Bet from last year, and keep your eyes out for the GTB Weekly Wiz watch as the season progresses (if the god damn thing would ever start). I can’t wait to hear Phil Chenier and Steve Buckhantz again...see you on "F"un Street, NW.


Last but not least, happy birthday today to Wheelhouse scribe Geoff Butt (much older than I would've expected)…I think he’d take a Skins victory over the Giants on Sunday as a belated gift.

Just another mundane Monday...

Some quick hit thoughts from a weekend of football watching, observing human beings and training for the first annual Redskins Sporting Clays Challenge...

**Is it just me, or are 95% of college kickers terrible? It seems to be a problem every year, hell, every week, with Saturday's star pupil being Auburn kicker John Vaughn, who missed 5 field goals against LSU. 5!!! I simply don't understand why coaching staffs don't make some sort of effort in the offseason to try to recruit a decent kicker, rather than assume they can find a kicker on the quad after soccer season ends or half-ass the recruiting of some kid their old fishing buddy suggested. I'm not saying a head coach needs to be making this visit (though in Bobby Bowden's case I think he should look for an 18 year old Lou Groza every year), but at least assign one coach to scout and recruit a kid who consistently makes field goals in high school (or community college). I mean, it can be done...there have been good college kickers...Jets draft pick Mike Nugent or Nate Kaeding or even Sebastian Janikowski come to mind...but it sure seems from week to week that I could grab a kid in facepaint out of the stands and he has about the same chance to make a 35 yarder as half of the 119 Division 1A kickers. And yes, before I get the "If you think it's so easy, you try to kick field goals" response - that's not what I'm saying. Obviously, my leg would fall off on the first attempt...I'm just saying I don't think teams try hard enough to get even a decent kicker (especially teams consistently in the mix for a BCS championship). It might be a good idea...ask Tommy Tuberville about it today.

**After watching Vince Young and Texas dismantle jolly old Mike Leach and Texas Tech, and seeing the highlights of the always fantastic Reggie Bush, I am willing to concede the Heisman Trophy is going to one of those two guys (well, at least for this week - out of the corner of my eye my boy Maurice Drew still might have a say in this thing). HOWEVAH, take a look at these three signal callers (only 1 of which is up for the Davey O'Brien Award), and tell me who you would take:

--Quarterback A - 145-of-224 passing (64.7 percent), 2,148 yards, 16 touchdowns, 5 interceptions, 17 rushing yards, 3 rushing TDs
--Quarterback B - 175-of-266 passing (65.8 percent), 2,352 yards, 20 touchdowns, 4 interceptions, 88 rushing yards, 1 rushing TD
--Quarterback C - 179-of-265 passing (67.5 percent), 2,181 yards, 12 touchdowns, 1 interceptions, 268 rushing yards, 5 rushing TDs

QB A (the only one on the DOB list) happens to be Matt Leinart, of USC and shagging Shannen Doherty fame. Very solid numbers for the defending Heisman winner, but in my homer opinion, he's currently trumped by QB B, the Golden Boy of the Golden Dome, Brady Quinn, who tossed 6 TDs on Saturday (and his 2005 numbers are even more absurd when compared to his pedestrian, pre-Weis career stats). But the real reason I threw these numbers up there was for QB C, who is the most underrated player in the country (and having a better season than QB A or QB B) - Brett Basanez of 5-2 Northwestern (3-1 in Big Ten play). Not only do these guys seem to play the noon game every Saturday on ESPN2 (Hi Pam Ward!), but they also seem to play one of the most exciting games each week, and they're winning most of them because of Basanez. Here's hoping the now ranked Wildcats and Basanez give Michigan a run for their money Saturday night.

**A Tale of Two QBs, NFL edition (specifically NFC East): I'm not saying the Giants are going to win the NFC East (I never would have thought I'd be psyched for a Skins/Giants Week 8 game), but with Eli Manning at the helm they certainly have a great shot (yep, I'm ignoring the Eagles in this equation, I know). Quite a 4th quarter from a 2nd year kid, with tremendous throws under pressure, and tremendous poise after an INT that could've crushed the comeback. Which gets me to the other QB in this tale, the absolutely dreadful Drew Bledsoe. If you haven't seen the pick Drew through with 10 seconds left in regulation against the Seahawks, then you missed the single worst pass I have ever seen. It took 7 weeks, but that's the Drew everyone was waiting for, and it was even more abortive than expected (call it a "Category 7" if you will). Eli gives Giants fans a reason to believe they're winning the NFC East and making a move in the playoffs. Drew Bledsoe has Dallas fans still shaking their heads as to how the hell a 13 year NFL veteran can throw a worse ball than Alex Smith did all day (ok, I wanted to call it the worst pass in the history of the NFL, but then the ghost of Garo Yepremian appeared in my cube). I'm willing to bet Bill Parcells would like to hit Drew upside the head with a 9 iron today. Bledsoe made Aaron Brooks look like Joe Montana Sunday.

**I am in no way a fashion expert (everyone will vouch for that). I try to survive each day matching my blues/blacks/browns, but even I know a fashion travesty when I see it. There is no reason to ever wear a XXL football jersey to a restaurant...ever. If the eatery was called, oh, Popeyes or something, maybe...maybe. But if you're headed to a normal, "sit down and have a waiter serve you" restaurant, please keep the jersey in mothballs...even I think you look ridiculous. And I'm the guy with an OJ Simspon jersey.

**I hope to actually discuss this ignored World Series later today, but in light of what Scott Podsednik did last night, I felt it was my civic duty to show you how hot his girlfriend is. Tough life for this guy.

Finally, as if I didn't have enough fantasy teams, I give you the fantasy league to end all fantasy leagues (no, not the Martha Stewart crap I threw up awhile back). Early money is on Butt as 2006 Champ.

The Rise and Fall of Kid Dynamite

Last weekend, ESPN Classic aired (several times) an episode of Ringside which took a six-hour look at the rise of Michael Gerard Tyson, aka Iron Mike, Kid Dynamite, The Accused, Prisoner Number 922335, etc. I TiVoed it and managed to watch all six hours in bits and pieces this week, finishing it up this morning before work. I'm not the most fervent of boxing fanatics, by any means, but you didn't have to be in the 1980's to be instinctively drawn to the awesome power and fearsome menace of Mike Tyson.

The kid seemed unstoppable, and to watch him prey on helpless victims in the ring was a one-to-one parallel to witness gladiatorial combat. You'd see some undefeated but unproven boxer enter the ring with Tyson, and each opponent was a different storyline towards the inevitable knockout. You'd see the foolhardy aggressors, coming right at him and lunging into a knockout uppercut; you'd see the frightened defenders, trying in vain just to make it through a few rounds by dodging and weaving until a Tyson flurry left them defenseless; and you'd see the big white stiffs, taking punches no man has a right to, bleeding profusely, and eventually succumbing. They came in all shapes, sizes, and colors, and they pretty much all left on a gurney.

Watching Tyson fight was, much like I'd imagine watching gladiators fight to the death, a guilty pleasure. There was a tension because you just knew he was going to bludgeon the other guy, you just didn't know when. You sit waiting, sometimes for rounds at a time . . . and sometimes for 45 seconds. And then it would happen, and the other boxer would fall over, and that's when the guilt sets in. Because man, it's just not ethical putting a mortal man in the ring with that monster. Guys' eyes would be rolled up in their head, or noses would be visibly busted, or blood would be gushing, or lumps would swelling to grotesque proportions. They'd be disoriented to the point where corner men would have to tell them they'd lost the fight. Referees would have to TKO them with that sad hug, saving them from life-threatening injury because the man's brains have been so pounded, he's become the person least responsible for his own personal safety at that moment. It's all so pathetic, and that's when you get the flash of how grisly, barbaric, and seemingly archaic the caveman sport of boxing is. For anywhere between 39 seconds and 12 rounds, it could be a display of athleticism, discipline, strength, stamina, conditioning, and craft; for a few moments after a Tyson fight was over, it was just a bully brutally and mercilessly picking on some poor sap.

Classic interspersed a paneled discussion between airing the Tyson bouts, one which featured resident ESPN boxing guy Brian Kenny, pugilism journalist Bert Sugar, former Tyson trainer and current analyst Teddy Atlas, and, in some parts, Larry Holmes. They provide great commentary (most notably the former three; I just remember Holmes blaming his KO by Tyson solely on his hand getting caught in the ropes -- Larry, you were old and got thumped) on the history behind the quick ascension of the phenomenon of Mike Tyson, and they set the stage for his downfall.

The story of Tyson is the stuff of cinema -- even better than the usual film plots, actually. As time has worn on, the natural progression of how folks feel about Mike Tyson has been from rooting for this amazing kid to make it to the top to rooting against him once he was there (and his outside-the-ring issues became more apparent) to rooting for him to come back in a return to glory to mocking him like the irrelevant sideshow geek he's become, and pitying him -- not for his failures, because not everyone reaches the mountaintop he climbed, but for the failures of others in his formative years to create anything less than a time bomb in Everlast shorts.

Anyway, the show culminated with the Buster Douglas fight. The commentators set the stage with discussions about how Tyson was on autopilot about that time -- and how he'd gotten rid of the key players in his corner who had any ties to Cus D'Amato's legacy and replaced them with Don King's suck-ups and his own parasites. His conditioning had become suspect, and he'd truly never been tested. But nobody nowhere nohow saw James "Buster" Douglas as the man to take him down. In fact, few to none of the major sports media even sent people to cover the Tokyo bout. And it's amazing to hear the announcers talk early on about how Douglas probably just wanted to make it through the first round.

And then it happened. Douglas fought the perfect fight, and Tyson was unbelievably unimpressive. This fight alone was worth sitting through the long show, and you end up almost as stunned as the frenzied announcers -- who had thought they were in for another dog of a match whose only redeeming quality was netting them a free trip to Japan, but found out they were able to be ringside for one of the greatest upsets in modern sport. The fight also separates itself from trite boxing cinema. Rocky always fell behind early and rallied late, but the better tale was Douglas, in command from the first round but appearing to falter and fade, only to rally with an energy the boxer never displayed before or since. The backstory, the Cinderella story -- it's all there.

If they happen to re-air this edition of the Ringside on Tyson, it's worth checking out -- even if, like me, boxing is only an occasional guilty pleasure. Mike Tyson's heyday -- the five years upon which these six hours focus -- is still the intense can't-look-away draw it was back then.

Lavar seems to have the free time...

Can't we get another classic outta him before he leaves town? My gift to you this morning is the greatest commercial ever made (starring Lavar and several other NBA and NFL stars). I saw it three times last night, and I can't get it out of my head, so I wanted you all to enjoy it this morning as well...click on the link that says "The Easterns commercial everyone is talking about!" (and sing along if you'd like):

At Eastern Motors
your job's your credit.
At Eastern Motors
your job's your credit.

Ford, Hondas, Chevy, Beamers,
and minivans.
Over 600 cars, trucks, SUVs,
are you listening man?

Let Eastern Motors
put you in a car today.
Let Eastern Motors
Finance it all the way

I'm not making this up. This is a real email address from an SI article. The man has a few days off, why don't you shoot him an email (and please Bcc me on it). Hell, I already sent him the link to Gheorghe...OzzieGuillen13@ hotmail.com

Yes, the NHL is back, and Jerry [last name withheld by request] seems very excited about it...and I'm sure there is a group of diehard fans also excited about it. You would think the players would be psyched too, since you know, they're finally earning paychecks and stuff, but it looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the negotiating table.

If you haven't seen the Steve Nash - Ali G commercial on TNT for the upcoming NBA season, in which Ali G congratulates Nash for winning the "MP3" award last year, go home, fight through an episode of Alias and 4 straight Law and Orders, and wait for it. It's well worth it. "No disrespect to you as a Canadian, but you don't even speak English, so shut up."

Finally, a museum in Philadelphia has a display of an actual human corpse playing basketball...(which way is he gonna go with this)...Allan Houston behind Door #1...Jason Collier behind Door #2...wait for it...It's good to see Eddy Curry getting some reps in...(or as Swint called him the other day, "Hank Gathers" - now that was audible work laughter)

Cheezborger, Cheezborger, Cheezborger...

No fries, cheeps! No Pepsi, Coke!

So finally, after months of speculation and hype (including a faux grand opening weeks ago), the Billy Goat Tavern has opened in the basement of my building, and needless to say, the date of my first heart attack has been moved up 10 years. For those of you who don't remember the classic Saturday Night Live skit referenced above, the Billy Goat is a Chicago dining institution made internationally famous by the repeated skits in the early years of SNL...and of course the fact that it is the home of the Billy Goat Curse, otherwise known as the Cubs Curse (maybe nowadays known as the Bartman Curse?). They've brought in some of the classic Chicago guys to berate you for the first few weeks of the DC operation, and this is an open invitation to join me downstairs for a cheezborger, cheeps and a Pepsi...Whitney, see you at noon?

"It's Friday, doublecheez for everybody! It's payday! Triplecheez for the big guy!"
*****
The NBA finally released their "dress code", and the general theme is business casual attire whenever participating in team or league activities. OK, whatever, that's the boring part. The entertaining part is the excluded items on the list. Look at this list, and tell me what the hell Rasheed Wallace is going to do? The guy is gonna end up being naked...

The following is a list of items that players are not allowed to wear while on team or league business:
• Sleeveless shirts.
• Shorts.
• T-shirts, jerseys, or sports apparel (unless appropriate for the event (e.g., a basketball clinic), team-identified, and approved by the team).
• Headgear of any kind while a player is sitting on the bench or in the stands at a game, during media interviews, or during a team or league event or appearance (unless appropriate for the event or appearance, team-identified, and approved by the team).
• Chains, pendants, or medallions worn over the player's clothes.
• Sunglasses while indoors.
• Headphones (other than on the team bus or plane, or in the team locker room).
*****
Ah yes, I have hated this guy ever since Jerry and I saw him play in a high school tournament at the MCI Center, and I couldn't be happier he is in trouble. I give you vastly overrated Denver Nuggets rookie Julius Hodge, accused of sexual assault by a 37 year old woman (Hodge is 21 by the way). Though details seem to be hazy, that won't stop me from giving you these two nuggets (pun intended, I guess...McBad) - the woman was aware he was an NBA baller, and expected him to "wine and dine" her (what, not "69er"?) AND his lawyer was quick to add "This is not Kobe Bryant." We'll see about that...
*****
GTB's Website of the Day: TomKat is going to be pissed...

Ahh, I'm going to have to go ahead and ask you to come in on Sunday, too...

Well, it's Saturday, and it looks like you're going to get my usual rambling weekday post today instead. The plan had been for me to go to work around noon, making sure I am home for the stunning Notre Dame upset of USC, but the complete lack of parking around my building prevented that. Apparently, today is the 10th anniversary of the Million Man March (I seem to remember that number being disputed, but why let the facts get in the way, right?), and that means I drove around my building for 20 minutes looking for a spot, almost killing several families of 12 who don't know how a fucking crosswalk works. Anyhoo...it's not exactly the Jerry SportsZone, but I have my two TVs on right now and am watching some hot Big Ten action (hell, I even have my glasses on so I can see the bottom line). The Battle for Paul Bunyan's Axe Body Spray on the top TV, the Ohio State/Michigan State game on the bottom TV. I just realized Musberger's doing the OSU game, so I'm switching game placement...one sec...

VH1 never ceases to amaze me. The home of the Surreal Life and Breaking Bonaduce is all set to unveil their newest reality show, "But Can They Sing?" I don't even need a joke here, just look at the list of celebrities competing:
Larry Holmes (I'm sure braindead people are great singers)
Morgan Fairchild (Is Old Navy gonna be upset by this?)
Joe Pantaliano (Joey Pants must have huge alimony payments or something)
Bai Ling (who???)
Antonio Sabato, Jr. (What a hunk)
Michael Copon (who????)
Kim Alexis (some model chick)
Carmine Gotti (one of the idiot Gotti kids from "Growing Up Gotti")
Myrka Dellanos (the Latino Nancy O'Dell)

By the way, forgive me if there are massive typos. I am not a very good typer to begin with, but put me on a laptop with no mouse and it's an absolute disaster. I am attempting to go back and spell check, grammar check, etc. but bear with me...

The FFMD and her gal pal are off at the zoo right now, surely enjoying the monkeys throwing their poop at each other. I am serving as the sports update line for Alabama/Ole Miss (I just realized that game is on CBS...yep, I'm an idiot), and let's just say that my Ole Miss defense is looking money. Go Ed Orgeron. Speaking of the FFMD, she just returned from her annual conference in San Antonio, where she got to meet and small talk with Colin Powell, Jo Dee Messina (who I bet would've given a better effort in Game 5 than super choker Mike Mussina, a pansy just as much to blame for that loss as whipping boy Alex Rodriguez) and Martin Short (who apprently still does Three Amigos bits in his routine) . That trio simply destroys my Dr. Phil/Glenn Frey/Malcolm Gladwell triumvirate.

You would think the Vatican has more important things to worry about...a Jesuit magazine close to the Vatican has condemned boxing as a "legalized form of attempted murder." Why doesn't the Pope worry about priests playing hide the salami with their alter boys instead of meatheads punching each other for 3 minutes at a time? (I will now stop trying to talk about things other than sports or pop culture)

Ohio State knows they have a game today right? They're already down 10-0 at home...and Dennis' 1st round pick Ted Ginn Jr. is a complete waste of life. (UPDATE: Ohio State obviously heard me - it took two minutes since I posted this for them to score)

You gotta hand it to the British, they really know how to spice up their night life...

Whoa, I was sleeping on my remote duties...looks like we've added Northwestern/Purdue, Miami/Temple (ahl), Wake Forest/Boston College (in a driving rainstorm Wake is already up 17-0...Earls and Heath are doing the dance of joy) and Michelle Wie at -6 to my viewing schedule...

Though Greg has returned from Down Under, I'd like to think this is the legacy he left behind...I can just picture Greg at the terminal in Broome International breaking hearts left and right with the TALK key...

All right, I'm off to Quizno's for a delicious and nutritious meatball sub. After I devour that, I'm working in the comments section for the rest of the afternoon. Go Irish!

I deal with the god damn customers...

A quick attempt before the day runs amok again...Mixed with all the real real work I have to do in the next 9 business days, I now have to rewrite my own PDQ (POSITION DESCRIPTION QUESTIONNAIRE for the acronym-challenged). I am finding this to be an interesting exercise, as I seem to be in position to define what my job is now and should be in the future, and what compensation I should receive should I reach the goals outlined in the PDQ (and by the way, this exercise reminded me that I have known Whitney for many years, and he has not yet been able to tell me what he actually does at work). It seems to me I can set the bar wherever I want, and just use vague, generic business terms in the descriptions, so that no matter what I do in the next 12 months I am golden. Here's an example...

Decisions: Identify internal and external venues for marketing Research products and services. Identify new product and client opportunities. Develop appropriate measures for monitoring advertising/marketing effectiveness.

"I have people skills; I am good at dealing with people. Can't you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?"

GTB's Hollywood Half-Minute...Sly Stallone is a go for Rocky 6 (Rocky meets Cocoon?), Wes Craven turned down Scream 4 (What, he's too busy with People Under the Stairs 2?), I have no clue who the new Bond guy is (Daniel Craig? Wasn't he the goalie on the 1980 US Olympic Hockey Team?) and last but not least, the Govnah of Caleeefornia is ready to do Terminator 4 and True Lies 2 (In between doing governor stuff I guess).

Afternoon Update: OK, so Glenn Frey and Dr. Phil appearing at our Annual Conference didn't really excite me (or any of my readers apparently), but today I realized there will be one speaker in San Fran who I might actually want to see. That man is Malcolm Gladwell, the writer for The New Yorker who penned The Tipping Point and Blink, two books I have heard very good things about. Hell, maybe I'll even go buy Blink (don't get ahead of yourselves, I said buy it, never said I would or could read it).

Oh yeah, I haven't mentioned this yet, but in regards to the Angels/White Sox "fiasco" last night, when the ball is anywhere near the dirt, the catcher should always just tag the runner to be safe (especially since Pierzynski didn't run right away). Josh Paul does that, and we're not talking about this for the next week.

I couldn't make this up if I tried...I think these people need to get out more...
BOOM REGGIE MILLER!

Season Tickets

As much as I would love to take some digs at Rob and his Red Sox, work is simply killing me this week. We head to San Francisco in less than two weeks for our Annual Conference, and apparently it's time to do all the work for the last 12 months in the next 2 weeks (all I can say about this upcoming conference is that Dr. Phil is a keynoter and the musical entertainment is Glenn Frey...exciting...). Genius planning if I may say so. By Friday perhaps I can assess the Yankees piss poor effort in Game 5, Seagal's new energy drink (Swint, I hope you're scouting retail locations), Vinny and the Jets, the revival of GTB's Weekly Wiz Watch (and subsequent playoff bet with Whit) and most importantly the impending Notre Dame upset of USC (that's right, I'm drinking the Weis kool aid - ND 35, USC 34).

By the way, I just got clocked in the face by a door. Great day all around.

Hey, TeeJay

You and A-Rod had the same number of RBI in the ALDS. I think you should be MVP. Discuss.

Take off, you hoser

Pedro Gomez might've been the first to employ this sort of stalker journalism, but it looks like he won't be the last (by the way, did anyone else notice that Bob Holtzman replaced Gomez at the end of the year on the "Bonds Beat"? I am thinking Barry killed Gomez in the Giants training facility a la De Niro to Benicio Del Toro in "The Fan"). Some young lady working for the The Globe and Mail in Toronto (seriously, that's the name of your newspaper?) will be trailing rookie sensation Sidney Crosby all season long (her name is actually Shawna Richer, but who cares really). Get ready for exciting tales of Sidney leaving the toilet seat up and babysitting Super Mario's kids (he apparently lives in Lemieux's basement). Canadians...very easily entertained.

You know, I could've jokingly guessed 69 answers to this question, and never come up with this response:
"I just want to be a professional fisherman, and that's about it."
- Allen Iverson, being asked if he had any career plans after basketball

Here's hoping rain holds off in Boston and New York today...some slightly important ballgames need to be played. Whitney is crazy - I simply cannot see the Red Sox getting swept today, because, if I may drop a cliche here, they play their best ball with their backs against the wall. Proof needed? Just look at the last two years. In 2003, they were down 0-2 to Oakland, and won 3 straight to take the series. Last year, down 0-3 to the Yankees, we all know what happened there, really no need to rehash that debacle. Tim Wakefield, today's Game 3 starter, was 10-4 at home this year, with a respectable 4.08 ERA. Game 4 starter Curt Schilling, though I hate him very much, has a strong history of stepping up in big situations. The Red Sox mash the ball at home, scoring 470 runs in Fenway (second only to the Yankees home total of 477) - it's no fluke they were 54-27 at home this year (the best home record in MLB by the way). All signs point to a return trip to Chicago for Game 5 Sunday. HOWEVAH, if it turns out Whitney was right about this, and I was wrong, oh well, I hate the Red Sox anyway (and yes, I haven't written a word about the Yankees game tonight because I was going to bash Paul Byrd, and frankly, I know that would come back to haunt me).

The Houston Astros must really hate Roger Clemens. Hahaha. Wink wink. That's the comical angle morons on talk radio were saying this morning (Colin Cowherd, you are killing me man). Let's be real people. The Astros had one decent lefty bat in the lineup last night in Lance Berkman (Orlando "Please don't ever associate me with Raffy" Palmeiro does not count) against an absolutely dominant righthanded postseason pitcher - what would you expect to happen? Maybe the Astros do hate Clemens, but they didn't intentionally suck at the plate to stick it to him. John Smoltz is a beast in October (as opposed to Kwame Brown, who told the Washington Post he changed back to #54 because that was his high school number and he's gonna be "The Beast" again). Yes, he's only won 1 World Series, but look at these postseason numbers. Absolutely fantastic (bonus points to Smoltz for being a dead ringer for Ernest P. Worrel aka Jim Varney - "Hey Vern!")...
27 starts, 15-4 record, 2 CG, 2.72 ERA, 194 Ks in 206 IP (throw in 4 saves to boot)

I was just getting ready to send my congrats to the Spears-Federline family, but it looks like this chick beat me to the punch: