Thursday, April 04, 2013

Nightmare Fuel

We've unquestionably come a long way as a species. From the primorial ooze just yesterday (in geological terms) to massive electronic pleasure palaces full of men wearing synthetic fibers, drinking magical mood-altering elixirs and watching other men compete in athletic contests from far-flung locales. Verily, we're near the pinnacle.

But we're not there yet, and there are reasons to fear we'll never get there. I don't mean to be alarmist, but I've been paying attention over the last three weeks. And there are some things you need to know about, in order to prepare.

First, NASA astronaut and physicist Dr. Edward Lu tells us that there's a 30% chance that a five megaton asteroid will hit Earth this century, whether or not James Garner is still around. Dr. Lu's matter of fact tone is perhaps the most terrifying part of this entire thing:



In more terrestrial terrors, scientists in Sri Lanka recently discovered "a new type of tarantula about the size of your face" living in trees and and abandoned hospital. Poecilotheria rajaei has a legspan of up to 8 inches across. Full disclosure, I'm deeply, deeply afraid of spiders. My cat brought a good-sized one (maybe two inches across) up from our basement last week and dropped it at my feet, all proud-like. I almost jumped out of my skin. A tarantula the size of my face? Gaaaaaah.

And imagine all the places in the world we've never been. It's a near certainty that man-sized spiders exist somewhere. Can we send Ed Lu there to shoot them into space and deflect the asteroid?


Closer to home, Virginia gubernatorial candidate and all-around Renaissance Man (in the sense that he probably would be much more comfortable living in that era from the perspective of male/female roles) Ken Cuccinelli has asked the U.S. 4th Circuit of Appeals to review its decision deeming Virginia's anti-sodomy laws unconstitutional. Just another small-government conservative who wishes to dictate what consenting adults (straight and gay) do in the privacy of our bedrooms.

In the real world, the fact that the birther-dabbling, homophobic, climate skeptic Cuccinelli has a reasonably decent chance to be the Governor of my state is scarier even than man-sized spiders. Can we shoot him at the asteroid?

I will refrain from making any jokes about his nickname, which in this context would be juvenile and silly. It's 'Cooch', though.

Finally, - and I must warn you, children should only see this under very close supervision - I saw something on Monday that was so awesomely terrifying that words cannot describe it. I offer you this visual instead:


Stay safe, my friends.

31 comments:

  1. Joba Chamberlain: Chubby, Vampire Pornstar

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  2. Spiders' size is limited by their relative passive respiratory system so they can't get much bigger than a foot across or so. See rootsy, I paid attention in entomology!

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  3. I know you were working in that class Z - we had little bug boards all over 308. Between that project and 'The Streak' you really did some work that year.

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  4. Mets: best team in baseball at the 1/81st mark. 2-0, #1 run differential.

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  5. Also, this is pretty effing rad:

    http://kotaku.com/5991228/this-amazing-first+person-short-film-is-like-mirrors-edge-meets-reservoir-dogs

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  6. Mad Men fans--have you seen this?
    How did I not know about it until today?

    http://petecampbellsbitchface.tumblr.com/

    I hate Pete Campbell

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  7. So sad about Ebert. If you were a fan of Siskel & Ebert you will love this clip:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkwVz_jK3gA

    Seriously, it's like watching Clarence and Teej, but in bad sweaters.

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  8. tribe baseball currently #22 in the rpi. can't find that information just anywhere on the internet.

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  9. I love Pete Campbell because he's so easy to hate. Gotta respect a smarmy, bitter, jealous jackass pansy like him.

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  10. I agree with Mark that Pete Campbell is easy to hate, but I'm lazy, so I hate him.

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  11. Pete Campbell is the identical voice twin of our own Jugs Carlisimov.

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  12. A highly overdue happy birthday to our doofus overlord the Teen Taj. My apologies for the oversight.

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  13. yikes. turrrible effort on our part. please rectify the situation by jamming yourself, teeb.

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  14. Teen - I am eating Milwaukee cheese curds in your honor.

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  15. Alice Cooper and I both approve. Thank you all for the birthday wishes. I am old and decrepit. Teen out.

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  16. High of 65, low of 50 in NJ this Sunday. Wrestlemania guys are gonna be fired up to be outside at night.

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  17. Teedge will reenact his birth by walking our of a barn.

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  18. aah me teejus....happy belated ole chap!

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  19. So I've been wrestling with this for the last 24 hours. Time to use G:TB as a therapy outlet again.

    Last Friday night I'm throwing a few back at the local pub (the bar we hit after the wedding for those that came) and a guy I know bellies up next to me. Nice guy, a few years older, attorney in town, has kids my kids' age. I mostly know him through a service organization we both belong to and have Wednesday lunches as a group, plus he played alongside me in the annual inter-neighborhood softball games the last couple of summers.

    Never really slung back beers all that often with him, and come to think of it, never really saw him in this grubby old pub much. But we drank Bud bottles for 90 mins or so Friday as other friends of mine came and went from the bar. Enjoyable. Shook my hand with a smile as he left my wife and me at the bar for the night.

    Tuesday he took his own life. He was recently separated, which he never mentioned, and he died in his apartment.



    This is me stunned speechless.

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  20. it's a hard fucking thing talking to someone if you're in a bad place, but it's a must. promise me, friends, that you'll do so if you find yourself in the dark.

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  21. I second what Rob said, and I hate putting this up here on a Friday afternoon. I promise more dipshittery, but it's been a tough go of late.

    Here's something good to come from something horrible. A handful of years ago, a friend's wife went shopping in the nicest section of VA Beach and got shot dead for her purse. Fucking horrible, hard to make sense of. Our friend is getting remarried tomorrow to a wonderful girl, and while he never forgets what happened (nor does anyone), it's a great celebration of life -- and life after tragedy. It's hard to keep up Clarences when this shit keeps happening, but this is why I have friends like you assclowns (and Shlara and KQ and other non-assclowns). Vive le Clarence.

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  22. Oh, here's something. If Glen Matlock got (supposedly) sacked from the Pistols because he said he didn't hate the Beatles, what is Dave going to do to me when I say that I rather enjoy the Dionne Warwick song "I'll Never Love This Way Again"? Could get ugly.

    http://youtu.be/LO9NP-SiT8s

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  23. Dude....that is heavy.
    I am a happy camper, really. But I think about death way too often, both me dying and those very close to me. Today in exercise with bikes class I heard a song that got me thinking about losing one of my kids and what it would do to my wife and I. I teared up and had to fight it. What the fuck is that? I will hang up now! Good times friday!

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  24. A good segue....songs you are embarrassed to say you like but what the fuck, it's good times friday...
    The n sync or other boy band song...
    Iiiiiii want it that way.....

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  25. Enough of the grave discussions!!!

    This should cheer up everybody by the sheer Gheorghe-ness of its nature.

    The Hersheberger Hoax:

    http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424127887323646604578402800078985768.html?mod=rss_mobile_uber_feed

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  26. Agreed with Greg. Let's go back to fun stuff, forgetting Teeb's birthday. I promise not to post any more depressing stuff for a while, just needed to vent.

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