Thursday, April 15, 2010

I have seen the future, and it is not the Double Down.

[This post was sent to me at 3:58pm yesterday afternoon. G:TB Special Correspondent Marls, for reasons only known to him and his imam, chose to sacrifice his body for the greater good and eat a KFC Double Down sandwich. His tale is below.]

By the grace of God and my convoluted work schedule, today was the perfect day to try the mythical bunless wonder. After getting to the office at 5:30 this morning in order to get some work done, around 11 I journeyed up to the House that Jeter Built for a client event. After several morning/early afternoon beers at Stans and a random discussion with the Z-Man's sister, it was time to head to Penn station for my 3 pm train to DC. I arrived several minutes early, just in time to grab a quick bite. But what to get? Then, like a beacon in the night, the Tim Hortons/Taco Bell/KFC combo counter called out to me. After waiting in line for 15 min, I was awarded my prize. Two pieces of the Harland Sanders' chicken sandwiching two strips of bacon, a slice of jack cheese, and KFC special sauce. I not have been more let down since realizing that Mrs. Paci did not actually make those beans. Here is why...

1. Appearance: Not that fast food ever does, but this thing doesn't look like the sandwich in the commercial at all. The chicken is irregular shaped and the fixins are squishing out all over. Basically, it looks like a pile of crap. A pile of crap that you are expected to eat. Not a good start.

2. Taste: This is where I expected the DD to shine. Released from the shackles of the bun, I expected the chicken, the cheese, the bacon, the sauce, and the 11 herbs and spices to shine through, to explode into one's mouth Peter North style. Nope. Tastes like some chicken with bacon and cheese. The sauce is ok, but the whole thing was still rather dry. The Col. found a way to make bones almost edible and popcorn style chicken, but somehow they can't keep this pile of fat and goo moist. I just don't understand.

3. Eatability: Trying to eat this thing is a flat out shitshow. The neat little package shown on TV becomes an oozing, greasy mess in reality. It turns out that the Earl of Sandwich really knew what the fuck he was talking about when he put meat et al. between two slices of bread. The bun serves a purpose folks. It allows us to eat messy foods while not looking like half starved Neanderthals. In this one moment I realized what a perfect and under appreciated delivery system the bun is. The little paper condom that KFC gives you to hold this thing is useless. In the end, you are left holding the greasy, half eaten remains of a chicken cutlet. Not good times.

Clearly, you can see I am not a fan. However, this may need to be something every man & Shlara experience for themselves. Just remember, bread is not the enemy, it is a long overlooked friend that may be full of calories, but is around when you need them...kinda like Swint.

51 comments:

  1. That is the widest, shortest thumb nail I think I've ever seen.

    ReplyDelete
  2. And I think every Peter North reference should reference him as Peter "The Milkman" North.

    ReplyDelete
  3. That doesn't look so much like a thumb as it does a cocktail wiener.

    ReplyDelete
  4. And I'm not sure how I feel about the Z-Sister's cameo.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Marls was booking her for a very special "All Z-Family" episode next week.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Z-man, I thought we called your sister the IROC-Z?

    And seriously, Marls -- did you lose the upper half of your thumb in the thresher and have a thumbnail surgically implanted?

    ReplyDelete
  7. She isn't ready for the full IROC treatment yet, she's just a Berlinetta.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I always thought PEter North was "The Redecorator"?

    And in other news that relates both to this post and to Peter North aficionados, today is Swint's birthday. His liver is turning 45, and his sex life is turning 12.

    ReplyDelete
  9. 1400 mgs of sodium and 23-32 grams of fat in there...that's disgusting.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Geoff...gift:
    http://bit.ly/95z3Ba

    ReplyDelete
  11. Jerry's favorite singer ever is a Marlins fan? Boooo-yah.

    http://deadspin.com/5517857/scott-stapp-ruins-baseball

    ReplyDelete
  12. the thumb appearance was too, my first thought.
    short & wide is better than short and not wide...so you got that goin for ya marls.
    i may give the meal a try - purchasing where marls purchased i don't believe is representative of that fine company puts out day in and day...out.

    ReplyDelete
  13. i showed this post to a friend in the office, her first reaction was, "that guy has no thumb nail!"

    we may need a g:tb hand model.

    my hands are beautiful (aside from the thick pelt of knuckle hair.)

    ReplyDelete
  14. That is my official Acme Hitchhikers Thumb.

    I seriously felt sick for two hours after eating the DD. Thankfully for me, but not for the next visitor, I unloaded the remains at a M street Starbucks this morning.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Right now Victoria Jackson, former SNL'er and star of Casual Sex, is leading several thousand tea partiers in a sing along on Pennsylvania Ave. Wow. Just wow. This is almost as disturbing as my thumb nail.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Marls...tell me you didn't come to DC for the Tea Party.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I did not. I am at an American Bar Association conference at the Marriott. The tea party is just an amusing side show.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Maybe these people are taxed too much. From the looks of things, they have not bought new clothes since 1996.

    Tea partiers love mom jeans, washed up 80's comediennes, the golden corral.

    ReplyDelete
  19. THAT's who those people are? I just went out to get lunch and there are a lot of wackos with signs roaming around...

    ReplyDelete
  20. But do they love tea? It seems like they should.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Victoria Jackson showed her bare ass in a bad 1980's Lea Thompson movie. I know this because I remember the details of every nudity scene in every movie I watched in the 1980's.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Today's events will culminate with Lee Greenwood singing Proud to Be An American while two bald eagles gouge out the eyes of a gay abortion doctor. Then dinner at Outback, watch a quick syndicated episode of JAG, pray for 90 minutes, missionary sex, and 10 hours of sleep.

    ReplyDelete
  23. That would be Casual Sex, which Marls referred to earlier.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Isn't Outback an Australian restaurant? Shouldn't tea partiers give their money to a fine American establishment that serves fine American food, like Applebee's?

    ReplyDelete
  25. Yes, fair point. Any chain restaurant with consistent, nonthreatening decor and cheese fries on the menu will do.

    ReplyDelete
  26. And for the record, by missionary sex I mean sex with an actual missionary.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Leave Mrs. Tebow out of this.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I highly doubt tea partiers are having sex, unless little boys are involved.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Mark, I disagree. Tea Partiers only have post-marital sex with their wives. However, while doing so, they are thinking about little boys.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I thought Marls was referring to her private life.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Outback is to "Australian" as Olive Garden is to "Italian".

    ReplyDelete
  32. Nice run by Eddie Jordan in Philly.

    ReplyDelete
  33. If you had $31,600 burning a hole in your pocket, would you buy a used S4 convertible? Take a fantastic vacation? Give it to your favorite charity? Make a down payment on a condo? Remodel your kitchen? Go to AC and put it all on black? Or ... buy an old Atari video game?

    http://tinyurl.com/y4cphos

    ReplyDelete
  34. G:TB's next editorial field trip is to the moma:

    http://tinyurl.com/y2549qx

    ReplyDelete
  35. Do you think the Tea Partiers had some tea on their flight into town? Because I can't stand the Pan Am coffee, but I sure do love the TWA tea.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Most twenty year olds do not get that joke. And it's a shame.

    ReplyDelete
  37. TWA tea? I haven't heard of that since I used to work in Chicago at an old department store.

    ReplyDelete
  38. 'tis true. should i be embarrassed? i don't get the joke. i know who pan am and twa are, having experienced both in my youth...they were fine airlines indeed. but the tea and coffee comment...it, like many comments here, go over by thinning haired head.

    ReplyDelete
  39. eastern airlines was my first and favorite though - i remember a super fresh "stewardess" pinning me with her wings on my 1st flight ever. i was headn down to orlando to jam with mick and min. i was 6.

    ReplyDelete
  40. That's it program them early for a life of failure.

    http://tinyurl.com/y7yo7pe

    ReplyDelete
  41. And there goes Gormley stealing my filler tomorrow. Thanks chief.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Dan, I'll try to explain the joke. (Which is the most glaring evidence that the joke was not good.)

    See, the Pan Am coffee was what those in the biz would call "the set-up." It's not funny, but intentionally so (unlike the rest of the joke). It lures you the audience in, and has you all perked up and ready for the whammy.

    And bam, here it comes. The TWA tea. Okay, here's where my comment suffers strike two. It succeeds mostly as an orally delivered joke. (What many of the W&M co-eds used to perform; it hardly qualified as a sex act in some cases, and was better filed under "exfoliation of the johnson.")

    Repeat after me (out loud): "I love TWA tea"

    Say it loud, and repeat it several times if you are in a public place.

    And the worst part of the joke, the death knell from a comedic standpoint, is that neither Pan Am nor TWA have been in business for quite a few years. Doesn't stop idiots like me from keeping in it my active arsenal. Case in point.

    This is been your painful joke dissection of the day.

    (And if I have to explain the female anatomy and some slang terms for it . . . well, I will.)

    ReplyDelete
  43. No problem. TJ. I got some other good ones. Need any?

    ReplyDelete
  44. Dave, Mike Hunt realllly loves that joke.

    Mike. Hunt.

    ReplyDelete
  45. thanks whigor. a very thorough explanation.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Back to the original post, if you haven't heard W&M alum/comedian Patton Oswalt's harangue on the KFC Famous Bowls in his bit "America Has Spoken," you should check it out.

    ReplyDelete