Five things you should NOT have learned from cable television

We are all familiar with the arguments about the detriments of cable television.

Neil Postman, in Amusing Ourselves to Death, posits a future where we sacrifice the rational argument of print for the soma like bliss offered to us by limitless channels—and he argues, convincingly, that television as a format can only muster a certain level of intelligence. He draws, of course, on the ideas of Marshall McCluhan in his seminal work Understanding Media. And in a deeper sense, Daniel Boorstin’s The Image ponders whether what we see on television is authentic at all, and that it should be termed a “pseudo-event.”

But these are highly abstract arguments (and possibly refuted in Steven Johnson’s recent book Everything Bad is Good For You) while we at G:TB are concerned with more practical matters. Here is a more utilitarian guide for the children of cable; a list of five specific behaviors presented on the screen that in NO WAY should be emulated-- and if it is too late, they should never be repeated, and never mentioned again.

1. Christian Slater’s signature greeting in Heathers.

Any constantly repeated signature greeting is annoying (whether it is verbal-- like this example-- or physical, such as a particularly cool head-nod or the two fingers pointed pistol style augmented by a "heeeyyyy") and J.D.'s “greetings and salutations” is particularly smarmy. Avoid it and its ilk.

2. Tom Cruise’s dance in Risky Business.

God forbid you ever got into your tighty-whiteys and did this, although, oddly, the scene would work fine if it were Heather Graham in the exact same pair of underwear, dancing to the same stupid song.

3. Reciting the first two rules of Fight Club, replacing the words “Fight Club” with something from your own life.

Example: The first rule of play group is you do not talk about play group . . .

4. Saying “Hey, bud, let’s party” in the style of Spicoli.

Great movie, great character, great line . . . but you are not Spicoli.

5. Using Mork from Ork’s signature greeting “Na Noo Na Noo.”

Actually, this is one is okay. And so is this psychedelic cartoon trailer featuring Mork, Mindy, references to Happy Days, and a pig in uniform.