King of the Dorks

In which we continue to celebrate the sublimely mediocre and the depth of human spirit required to keep marching forward despite overwhelming evidence that it's pointless.

Texas Tech/Oklahoma is sucking nearly all of the oxygen out of the college football atmosphere this weekend (I'll be in Norfolk celebrating the Tribe's effort against Richmond, so here's hoping Whitney and I can get the kids to bed and the wives distracted enough to watch it), but there's another bragging-rights game that is fascinating for a far different reason.


You'll hear a lot of noise in the next few weeks about one win making a team's season, as the Michigans, Auburns, and Armys of the world try to rationalize dismal campaigns. In the confrontation between Horshack and Screech, it might actually be true.

The 0-10 Huskies of Washington travel out to the Palouse to tangle with the 1-10 Washington State Cougars in the annual Battle for the Apple Cup. UDub is a bad, bad football team, as their winless record eloquently attests. Lame duck coach Ty Willingham's boys have been rolled by teams good and bad, only staying within single digits in losses to BYU (28-27) and Stanford (35-28). They've lost each of their last six Pac-10 tilts by more than 20 points.

But there's bad, and then there's Wazzu. The Cougars have already set a Pac-10 record for most points allowed in a season, with 533 - and they have two games still to play. They haven't kept a conference game within 25 points all season. Scratch that. They haven't kept an FBS game within 25 points all season (their lone win came against a bad FCS squad in Portland State). Wazzu is the worst team in the history of modern major-college football.

WSU's so bad they're a 7 1/2 point underdog. At home. Against a winless team. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Lay the lumber, Danny. Bet the farm. Round up all the apples and make Daddy a pie, 'cause Ty's getting himself a W this week.

And as a sad and cruel coda, both teams still have to play another game after this shitshow. UW goes to California to close their season, while WSU goes to Honolulu to take on Hawaii in what may well be the worst FBS game in 2008. Next to, you know, the Apple Cup.