Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Where's the Hate for Merril Hoge?

Merril Hoge just plain sucks. As the incessant coverage of the NFL 2008 Draft kicks off, we'll see Hoge's redneck face and faux pimp wardrobe plastered all over the ESPNs, making me vomit in my mouth time and time again. I hate M-Ho for various reasons:

1) I hate the way he dresses. It's not close to matching. No way. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I don't even think Andre 3000 could pull off the ridiculous ensembles that Hoge sports. Hoge is a dimwit. He knows football, concussions and group-think comments. I'm not sure why he feels that entitles him to wear pinstriped pumpkin-orange suits, striped shirts and loud ties. Maybe he's going for "a look." If that look is "I shop at Michael Irvin's garage sale," I guess he's pulling off that look just fine.

2) I hate that M-Ho's presence diminishes the time Ron Jaworski is on the air. G:TB is a big fan of Jaws. It may be because Jaws is slowly morphing into Martin Mull, the most under-appreciated 1980's comedic movie performer this side of Dabney Coleman. We're not quite sure. But we know we love to see Jaws break down plays and relay prescient insight from league executives. M-Ho brings none of that. It's all redneck sizzle and no country-fried steak with the bum. And Jaws hates M-Ho as well, as evidenced by the photo below where he shows how he will shoot himself in the head if he has to keep working with M-Ho.
3) I hate that a man from Idaho who played ball in Pittsburgh has an accent like that. I can't figure it out. It confuses my feeble mind. Damn him for that.

4) I hate that he is the poster child of a league with more has-beens with diarrhea-of-the-mouth posing as "experts" than any other sport. Why do we need to see M-Ho, Mark Schlereth and Sean Salisbury talking about teams' draft needs? They're not going to combines. They don't talk to scouts or managers. They don't intimately know any team well. They feebly borrow the thoughts hidden under Kiper's rug and Clayton's balloon-head and regurgitate them as their own thoughts. We have no interest in seeing Tommy Herr, Garth Iorg and Cecil Cooper talk baseball*, so why are we stuck with watching three dull ex-footballers talk football? Wouldn't it be about a million times more interesting to get a trio of beat reporters to talk?

(*That said, G:TB would pay an inordinate amount of money to see Dave Stewart, Oscar Gamble and Amos Otis talk about baseball. Or talk about pretty much anything.)

5) I hate M-Ho because he offers zero insight into the game. Here he is babbling about the 2006 Draft. I believe these comments were the start of the anti-Vince Young vendetta he fights to this day. His comments are not memorable, but his suit is. I think John Wallace wore this 4-button creme special when the Knicks drafted him in 1996.

And, to close, here's another fine clip of M-Ho in an interesting ensemble he seemed to willingly choose. He must've been concussed more than Eric Lindros and Pat LaFontaine combined to think this looks good.

38 comments:

  1. I would just like to thank the person or person responsible for posting that photo of Hoge and Collinsworth on the eBays.

    Great Americans they are (the internet people...not Merril or Chris).

    ReplyDelete
  2. I don't know what the issue is, but the collars on Merril Hoge's shirts always look like an uncircumcised penis. It's certainly apropos...but I've just never witnessed anything else like it. Does he make his own shirts?

    ReplyDelete
  3. ...and if there's one thing Geoff knows, it's uncut cocks.

    ReplyDelete
  4. My forthcoming study, "Helmets versus Anteaters" will be released in May.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Troy Williamson was just traded to Jacksonville for a 6th round pick. Wasn't Williamson the 6th pick in the entire draft two/three years ago? Hell of a job scouting by that Minnesota front office...

    ReplyDelete
  6. Excerpt from Sept 24, 2000 airing of ESPN's Outside the Lines with Bob Ley, a segment about concussions in sports...

    [After Troy Aikman indicated that the risks of yet another concussion weren't enough to make him retire...]

    Merrill Hoge:
    "I understand the thinking of the passion towards the game. But it also tells me he doesn't truly understand. He hasn't been in his home and then went to a restaurant he's went to 100 times and not been able to get home three weeks after a concussion like I was. I mean, I was completely lost in this world."

    Bob Ley:
    "Six years after his injury, Hoge says he cannot get through two paragraphs of a newspaper without losing his concentration. What would Hoge like to tell Aikman?"

    Merrill Hoge:
    "I know he was just recently married. And probably children are part of that future. I mean, do you want to enjoy your children? Do you want to remember your child's name? I mean, do you want to be able to go to their school and be able to get back to your home by yourself?"

    So . . . someone ESPN exec saw this piece and thought, "Wow, we just gotta get this guy for some keen football insight!"

    "Oh, but we gotta make sure we tattoo directions to the studio on his arm."

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hoge's concussions MUST factor into his wardrobe choices. Even Barry Melrose and Craig Sager would mock Hoge's clothes.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Craig Sager knows he look ridiculous...Melrose and Hoge inexplicably think they look good.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Has anyone hear actually been watching the coverage of the combines? It is good stuff and a couple of the commentators actually have good insight, like Marshall Faulk.

    Is anyone as crazy about the coverage as I am and actually records it during the day to watch later at night? No? Just checking

    ReplyDelete
  10. http://heylarryhughespleasestoptakingsomanybadshots.com/

    ReplyDelete
  11. OK, right now Jay Feely is debating Skipper on First Take.

    Really?

    ReplyDelete
  12. I love the Hughes website by the way.

    Love. It.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Michael, can I get a complete report of the offensive linemans' shuttle runs today?

    Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Reason #1,529 why I hate Jim Rome: Roger Lodge.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Agreed. But I enjoyed Blind Date... Ah, the irony.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Ah, one of Bruce Willis's earliest and most underrated films. And a nice Phil Hartman cameo.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I had to imdb "Blind Date". Never heard of it. Apparently, Sab Shimono is very convincing as Mr. Yamamoto.

    http://imdb.com/title/tt0092666/

    ReplyDelete
  18. Did Greg not understand there were two Blind Date references at work here? And, of course he didn't remember the movie Blind Date...as we all know, that took place during Greg's childhood exile from all things American. In many ways, he's the most americanized foreigner I've ever met...

    ReplyDelete
  19. Dan Dakich, 2-0 as coach of the Hoosiers.

    ReplyDelete
  20. your genius is gaining momentum, keeping pace with your brain cell depletion.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Ever see the movie "The Lawnmower Man"?

    ReplyDelete
  22. And your attack on Merrill Hoge apparently got Sean Salisbury fired. I say you go after Sutcliffe today and then maybe they'll can Joe Morgan.

    ReplyDelete
  23. From Salisbury's mouth:

    "I have created a brand and it's time to expand into other opportunities in TV, radio, Internet, publishing, movies and public speaking, among others. My resume speaks for itself."

    The brand does speak for itself. It's called Shit Sandwich.

    I'm not sure where to start on this one. I just know I'll miss the "Point-Counterpoint" sessions with John Clayton. Clayton would make good points and Salisbury would respond by calling him a nerd who never put a jock-strap on. Good times.

    Can ESPN please sign Lester Hayes already?

    ReplyDelete
  24. Sean Salisbury...soon to be the fifth Sports Junkie.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Speaking of the Junkies, they had the most retarded conversation ever about the Dollar, the Euro and exchange rates this morning. I wanted to turn away, but it was so painful I had to keep listening.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Was it better or worse than their discussion on the war on terror and the virtues of chemical weapons? "But Lurch-pappy really sleeps on chemical weapons..."

    ReplyDelete
  27. That conversation could've occurred at a MENSA meeting compared to what they were doing this morning...math is definitely not their strong suit. Nor is monetary policy. Or politics. Or hockey.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I bet MENSA meetings are less impressive than one would assume.

    ReplyDelete
  29. "Hi, my name is Geoff...and I'm...I'm a genius"

    ReplyDelete
  30. According to the MENSA website, there are 100,000 members worldwide.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I work with a girl who claims to be a MENSA member....and it's laughable. She's an idiot...

    ReplyDelete
  32. Well of course she is Dennis...she's a girl.

    ReplyDelete
  33. A quick Mike Vick update:

    If you thought Mike Vick was in some kind of country club prison - you're wrong. MediaTakeOut.com spoke with a person whose relative is currently incarcerated with Mike Vick in Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary - in the same cell block. And according to our source, Mike Vick is having a difficult time fitting in. The insider explained, "Michael Vick is not in [administrative segregation] - he's right there with the rest of the inmates. A few [inmates] stepped to him when he first got there but everything is cool now ... My [family member] says that he's paying a Mexican gang to keep him safe." -- MediaTakeOut.com

    ReplyDelete
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