Inside TR's Head: Thoughts on Animal and the Number 567

I was saddened to hear last week of the passing of Joseph Laurinaitis, one half of the legendary wrestling tag team The Road Warriors, at the age of 60. The Road Warriors were my heroes as a kid. I was too young to know the tag team's moniker was an easy/lazy grab from the Mad Max franchise. And I was too young to know any other Black Sabbath song than the Warriors' original intro - Iron Man. But I was old enough to know their makeup kicked ass, their brutal domination of opponents kicked ass, and the song Iron Man kicked ass. They were the trailblazing antiheroes, paving the road for future wrestling stars like Steve Austin. 

My folks got divorced when I was in 4th grade. It was, like many divorces, long and messy. I would spend most weekends at my old man's apartment, and he would often leave me home alone to go out and do whatever guys in their early 40's do on Saturday nights when they are newly single. Fridays were for sons and Saturdays were for dates, I guess. When I was home alone, I think I was looking for an escape on the telly. At this time, we had basic cable. Sports was always something I gravitated to, but I started falling in love with pro wrestling. The WWF aired multiple times a week. The NWA aired on TBS late on Saturday afternoons. WCCW wrestling aired late Saturday night. And the AWA aired in the late mornings on Saturdays. It was through the AWA, a regional network based in/around the Twin Cities area, that I became acquainted with the Road Warriors. In retrospect, their schtick appears crude, but it was a shot of pre-pubescent adrenaline for me when I first saw them. I was hooked and they were my dudes. 

Here's where we get to the weird part. When they came to the ring, they used to be announced at 567 pounds. I loved that number b/c it decomposed nicely. It was 3 to the 4th power times 7. That's the first thing you all thought, right? I was happy their weight was not a prime number. I hate prime numbers. Except when I microwave things. I only microwave things with prime number times. Anyway, I would spend a lot of time dissecting that weight in my head. Animal was the power guy and Hawk was the speed guy in that duo, so Animal probably weighed more, right?  Maybe he was 294 and Hawk was 273. Or maybe he was 287 and Hawk was 280. I never used a prime number for either wrestler's weight in my head. Both had to be divisible by 7 or by 3. So 288 and 279 was possible, but not 290 and 277 or 295 and 272. Get it? Me neither. But that's how it had to be in my head. 

In the days of my youth, before my brain was occupied by thoughts of boobies and beer, numbers spun around in my head. I couldn't really control it. The fact that the Road Warriors' announced weight (which probably wasn't accurate in the first place) was a fun number to decompose made me like them even more. Yeah, I know that's weird. But I was home alone quite a bit and this was all soothing to me as I parked in front of the television. 

The Road Warriors had a fantastic run and are arguably the greatest tag team of all time, even if their peak was cut short by the typical issues facing wrestlers from that era (injuries, partying, erratic behavior, contractual disputes). They tore up regional circuits from 1983-1990, and then joined the WWF from 1990-1992. Their WWF run proved to be disappointing and each member kicked around for another 10+ years before finally retiring. 

I'll be the first to admit that pro wrestling looks silly when I watch it as an adult. But when I watch stuff from back in the day, I can still recall some of the juice I used to get from watching it and seeing my heroes perform death-defying stunts. Animal was a big part of that. 

Laurinaitis was also an investor in Zubaz, which is just icing on the cake of coolness for me. I assume that was his peak achievement in life, well above holding the tag team title in all three circuits and seeing his son James play linebacker in the NFL. Rest in peace, Mr. Laurinaitis. Thanks for being a source of escape, entertainment and mental math for me as a kid.