Bhoys of (Late) Summer

G:TB's footie friend Fat Guy in a Speedo returns with one of his timely EPL posts, as the new season kicks off this weekend. Enjoy, but don't expect to hear much about Bournemouth and Watford. Elitist as a motherfucker, that Fat Guy.

EPL kicked off yesterday, thrilling hundreds of Americans who enjoy awaking early on a weekend to watch grown millionaires score an average of 1.2 goals every 90 minutes. I won’t bore you with the details but the same four teams are expected to occupy the top four spots on the league, the mid-table grinders will be in about the same place as usual and the three recently promoted teams are expected to be dropped at the end of season.  The predictability is perfectly suited to those who loathe change and are content to not shoo the fly off our arm like some hopped up ENFP.

Even the most dilatory INTP would have to provide a modicum of insight so let’s have at it. Chelsea has been touted to reclaim the title by the wunderkind at The Guardian and most everyone else. They are a bunch of tossers from top to bottom and play a singularly unwatchable style of football. If you want to confirm your average Americans unshakable derision of the beautiful game turn on a Chelsea match and they won’t be disappointed.  Sadly, they are the best team in the league.

Many pundits are picking Arsenal to finish second and firmly cement their status as first-place losers per the late Dale Earnhardt.  Arsenal play the most attractive football in the league and are regularly rewarded with second place and third place trophies for their efforts. Manchester United have been shite the past couple years and will likely be a trifle less shitey this season. Manchester City aren’t worth commenting on. Liverpool still seem to have worldwide support in spite of their above-average mediocrity over the past two decades and will continue to thrive after another average, silverless season. Fulham is right out.

(At this point we'll note that we were a day late in posting Fat Guy's preview, so read the next paragraph as if you didn't know that those bastard United didn't top Spurs, 1-0, on a Kyle Walker own goal. And for what it's worth, I've decided that Spurs are my side in the top league this season, as Fulham continues its Championship walkabout (thanks for the acknowledgement above, friend). Fitting start, that.)

Kickoff is tomorrow at 7:45EST with Manchester United playing Tottenham Hotspurs. This has all the makings of a cracking start to the season with loads of offensive potential coupled with defensive frailties on both ends. Looking forward to the goalless draw to start the season. That’s a wrap and Bob’s your uncle.