fatguyinaspeedo Previews the Women's World Cup

Our footie correspondent fatguyinaspeedo weighed in earlier this week with a post about the 2015 Women's World Cup, which kicks off this week. Little did he, or we, know how powerful his words would prove to be. We didn't even have a chance to get this post in to the queue before Sepp Blatter was forced by the power and cutting venom of these words to step down from his post as the 'President of everybody'. Well done, fatguy.

Presently it should come as no surprise to even the most disinterested soccer observer that Sepp Blatter is living proof that crime does indeed pay, sometimes quite handsomely, we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that he is sexist (and homophobic) to boot.  He is Switerland’s own nod to the totalitarian triple threat.

Notwithstanding this, the Women’s World Cup kicks off on June 6 and gives even Dave a reason to (once again) care about Canada. Oddly enough, in a country as apathetic to footie as the USA the USWNT are the dominant force in world soccer and are (barely) ranked 2nd to Germany going into the WWC. We were #1 from 2008-2014 and averaged #2 from 2003-2008 and won World Cups in 1991 and 1999 and Olympic Gold in ’96, 2004, ’08 and ’12. Not bad for a side that came into existence in 1985. Actually, pretty fucking incredible and I’d welcome any comparisons to worldwide sports dominance in such a short timeframe as I’m drawing the usual reference blank.

We came in second in the 2011 World Cup to Japan, a bittersweet loss in that a hugely unflavored Japanese side overcame all odds and triumphed mere months after the earthquake/tsunami devastated their nation. Bittersweet for viewers at least, the USWNT were sorely disappointed and will be back to crush in normal fashion next week. (Editor's Note: I don't think this is very likely. The USWNT looked like canned ass during the run up to the WWC, and Alex Morgan's health is extremely iffy. Head coach Jill Ellis' (W&M '88) decision to exclude Crystal Dunn from the squad looks increasingly questionable, as Dunn is on a tear in NWSL play and the U.S. midfield struggles to develop chemistry.) 

What the womens team has in common with the last men’s world cup team is that they are in the “group of death” along with Australia, Sweden and Nigeria. What they don’t have in common with the men is that they will undoubtedly advance in the second round and not many people will notice. As a side note it’s time the “group of death” moniker is retired and replaced with something suitably banal like “groupmageddon” or “groupocalypse”™.

Before this gets too long-winded and I get too far away from Blatter, a couple of notes worth mentioning:

Abby Wambach leads all humans in that she has scored 182 international goals (241 caps).  Iranian Ali Daei leads all men with 109 goals (149 caps)

Alex Morgan won’t be playing as many minutes with a bum knee. This means Sydney Leroux will be taking her place.

Megan Rapinoe is coming off a knee injury and might not be able to do this:



Abby Wambach broke her nose a couple of weeks ago and isn’t getting it fixed until after the World Cup so she doesn’t miss any training. Check out this video and watch her head get stapled at the :50 second mark so she could keep playing.

Hope Solo will do something stupid.

In case you’re still with me (I Hope) some bonus Blatter:

In 2013 Blatter hugged Sarah Huffman, Wambach’s wife and called her Marta, confusing her for the Brazilian five-time player of the year. He had no clue who one of the all-time best women’s soccer player was and runs FIFA. At least they look alike:

Marta












Sarah Huffman














In the interest of consistency, Alex Morgan noted that Blatter didn’t who she was in 2012 at a dinner for the top three female soccer players of the year.

Unfortunately, the women will be playing on artificial turf. Blatter cited actual grass as cost-prohibitive for FIFA but when a company agreed to provide grass for no cost to FIFA, he demurred.

A lawsuit by the best women soccer players was dropped early this year for the same reasons Stormtroopers dropped their lawsuit against the Darth Vader in the book.

As of 2013 FIFA had three(!) women executives  appointed to its 100+ year old board. Lauding this triumph in a meeting Blatter urged them “"We now have three ladies on the board," said Blatter at FIFA's congress in Mauritius. "Say something, ladies. You are always speaking at home, say something now." Viva egalite!

In 2004 he suggested the women’s game would be more popular if they, “have tighter shorts. Female players are pretty … to create a more female aesthetic, why not do it in fashion?”

Too many more Blatter blunders (Blattunders™) to list here.

Consider making the trek to our norteno neighbors next month. Witness history in the making, salute our outgoing generallisimo, and don’t forget the poutine!