Fat Guy's Football Follies

As the European leagues come to a close and we eagerly await the opening of the 2014 World Cup, we turn once again to our non-resident Footie correspondent. Here's Fat Guy in a Speedo's semi-recurring football feature:

Git yer purple drank on, World Kickball in less than a month!  In light of the inevitable Buildup to Boredom (barring 2-3 games) a quick rundown of what’s doing abroad might help fan the flames of footie fun.  

England

Shit’s wrapped up. Manchester City took the title along with a £50m fine for breaking the Financial Fair Play rules thanks to one sheik’s evil dream of spending a billion dollars to wrest a big, metal plate from the sadly, lumpenproletariat Manchester United.  “Ishy Biladi,” the UAE’s National Anthem could be heard being regaled in public houses throughout Manchester and the UAE (if they had them).

Conversely, Fulham were one of three shitshows that won’t be seeing the Premier League next season or even longer (Editor's Note: You don't say. Jerk.). After Mohammed Al-Fayed sold the team to Shahid Khan pre-season, English people responded by minding the queue. Khan tore down the Craven Cottage talisman known as the Michael Jackson statue and Fulham were relegated for the first time in 13 years. Khan respectfully requested the statue back and Al-Fayed respectfully told him to jag off.  British civility ensued.

Spain

It’s been an exciting year in La Liga, in that there is never an exciting year in La Liga.  Surprising contenders Atletico Madrid take on Barcelona this Saturday, high noon, in the title decider. Atletico only need a tie to secure their first title in a burro’s years.   Additionally, the Champions League final is May 24^th and for the first time in the tourney’s history both teams will be from the same city, Madrid vs Madrid.  Madrid is favored to run away with this one. 

Germany

Shit was wrapped up in March.  Bayern Munich stunned nobody by rending the league asunder. The Hoff flew out to serenade the Munchens, mediocre beer flowed, and encyclopedia writing ensued. Luckily for the United States, the half of the Bayern squad that makes up the German National Front  Team has been rumored to become complacent.  Their premature, heady success has resulted in a tanning, laundry, gym torpor over the past two months. In the ensuing World Cup, the US could possibly snatchen ein point out of them in the rainforest humidity of Man anus Manaus.

Italy

No clue, Juventus won it I think. (Editor's Note: Indeed.)

France

Waiting for Le Tour.