Ba Ba Boxing Day Booey

Fat Guy in a Speedo returns to make your holidays just that much brighter, dropping Premiership science and historical nuggetry.

Season’s Greetings habitués of the internet’s premier sports, music, travel, legal, Romanian lifestyle blog.  It’s that most horrible sporting time of the year when we must suffer through the offerings of the Beef ‘O’ Brady Bowl, rare decent college hoops matchup, tail end of the played out NFL season or be forced to watch any of the shit show known as the Knicks before things pick up after the new year. But fear not sports enthusiasts, there is an equally stimulating alternative being played out across the drink on waterlogged pitches for the Boxing Day EPL schedule.

December 26^th is known as Boxing Day everywhere around the world of whitey (excepting in ‘merica for reasons unknown to me).  Apparently this is the day when servants and tradesmen would receive gifts from their bosses or employers, known as a "Christmas box ".  Seemingly, in America the only box our forebears’ ‘servants’ would get is a bang on the ear.

Given the fact that most leagues take the Christmas week off and the Germans take three weeks off (how inefficient) it should come as no surprise that our industrious former overlords schedule no less than three games over the holiday week in the English Premier League.  This glut of games not only allows us to watch overpaid foreigners hard at work playing kickball while we sit on our collective arses enjoying treacle tarts but also is thought to be a defining week of the season; afterwards, we know which teams are genuine title contenders and also those doomed to relegation like Fulham (rumors of a decidedly mediocre Clint Dempsey return abound - sadly his wife Bethany would have to follow and watch this travesty).

Regardless, here’s a quick preview of what magic lies in wait for all.

Saturday, Dec. 21 – Not much magic today, a clash of the United’s, Manchester and West Ham might offer yet another embarrassment for the title holders. Currently in 9^th place, United look well poised to lose at home yet again to another average side.

Sunday, Dec. 22 – Only two unmagical games to choose from but Southampton-Tottenham is the one to watch. Southampton look great for a broke team of unknowns while Spurs look like crap and have just fired their 9^th manager in 12 odd years last week after getting shellacked 5-0 at home to Manchester City.

Monday, Dec. 23 – Schedule heats up to tepid magic today.  Arsenal play Chelsea, both of these title contenders need to notch a win in this always contentious derby.  Look for Chelsea to take it to Arsenal away from home and literally kick these Eurotrash short passers all over the pitch, English style.

Thursday, Dec. 26 – Boxing day is here! All teams are playing so choose wisely but Manchester City vs Liverpool is the obvious headliner. Two more title contenders, City’s oily mercenaries will thump an up and coming Liverpool team and follow it up with a loss to awful Crystal Palace days later. Luis Suarez will have bitten and racially slurred at least two players and will be banned until he’s flogged off to Spain in the January transfer window.

Saturday, Dec. 28 – eh, getting sick of all the magic by now.

Sunday, Dec. 29 – Chelsea vs. Liverpool. I’d favor moving to Ohio over  supporting either of these teams. Watch Everton vs. Southampton instead, NJ hometown hero Tim Howard will shut out these dogs while wondering why he ever ditched this look.

January 1 – Everyone’s sick of footie at this point after watching our teams lose or tie 3 games in succession but we will watch a Manchester United – Tottenham Hotspur shitfest  while preparing for a tasty Rose Bowl matchup. Old school smashmouth football will see the Spartans over the 4 point favorites Stanford and in the strangest bowl matchup, the Pinstripe Bowl will see Rutgers lose but easily cover the 17.5 point spread for Notre Dame who rarely win by double digits, especially when helmed by the pocket-interceptor that is Tommy Rees.  

“Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.”
― Oprah Winfrey