G:TB Exclusive! An Interview With The Higgs Boson!

Science buffs are probably aware the folks at CERN, using the Large Hadron Collider, think they glimpsed the ephemeral and all-important Higgs Boson on Wednesday. The infamous boson was only in existence for a billionth of a billionth of a second, which was too short a time for the physicists present to ask any pressing questions, but I was lucky enough to buttonhole the boson at an afterparty in downtown Geneva and conduct a short interview.

Dave: Scientists often refer to you as "the God particle." Are you okay with this? Do you think it's blasphemous? Unwarranted? Accurate?

Higgs Boson: More like the goddamned particle! Ha! Watch me now!

At this point in the interview, Mr. Boson-- who was perched on my notepad-- disappeared from view and reappeared on the left buttock of an attractive French woman in a short skirt. She jumped, spun around, and looked crossly at me. I shrugged my shoulders and pointed to the Higgs Boson on her ass, but by this time Mr. Boson had teleported himself deep into the cleavage of another attractive woman, so it appeared as if I was simply pointing at this French woman's curvaceous bottom. She stomped off. The Higgs Boson then reappeared on my notebook again.

Dave: Can you please not do that again? That was very embarrassing and I can't teleport.

Higgs Boson: It's in my nature! I'm all boson! Hung heavy, baby, hung heavy!

Dave: I hear you've been working on a memoir. Can you give us a preview?

Higgs Boson: I tell all! All! And I have been around. I have been in a million billion places at once! I am gravity-- if you see what I mean-- and I have seen the effects of gravity. It's not pretty, to see what happens to a nice rack over time, but I can put it forward or in rewind. The same with a behind! Make you lose your mind. Live in all times. I am swine! Goddamned!

Dave: Are you pleased that the "standard theory" seems complete now? Are you proud to be the final part and particle?

Higgs Boson: The only thing standard about my theory is that I like a nice round ass!

Dave: That doesn't make any sense. You don't make any sense.

Higgs Boson: Doesn't matter because I'm large! Famous for being famous! That's how I like it! And I am outey!

After that last remark, the Higgs Boson disappeared in a puff of smoke, but I consider myself lucky to have had a conversation this long with him. Perhaps the next time he appears, I can ask him whether the universe will expand forever, dying of entropic heat loss, or if it will implode back on itself, triggering another big bang . . . which is something I often wonder about when I'm sitting on the john.