Parental Advisory

My kids have been holy hell on wheels over the past month or so. Fortunately, they're a bit more naive than Dave's miscreants.  They got the following letter in the mail today, and believed every word:

Elf Laboratory Behavioral Observation Workgroup (ELBOW)

Santa’s Workshop, North Pole, NP

December 12, 2011

Katy & Reilly

Dear Katy & Reilly:

 

As you know, the Elf Laboratory Behavioral Observation Workgroup (ELBOW) is responsible for monitoring the behavior of children across the globe to ensure that Santa’s sleigh is packed with the appropriate gifts.  In most cases, ELBOW simply observes and does not communicate with individual children.  However, each year, ELBOW finds it necessary to reach out to certain children to ensure that they understand the importance of their actions. Usually, this happens when children who are usually on the ‘NICE’ list behave in a manner that places them in jeopardy of placement on the ‘NAUGHTY’ list.

We regret to inform you that ELBOW has observed both of you exhibiting an increasing incidence of the following negative behaviors:

·       Yelling at each other and your parents;

·       Not listening to your parents and not doing what you are asked when you are asked; and

·       Being mean to each other.

Please consider this letter a warning. If your behavior does not improve between now and Christmas Eve, ELBOW will be required to inform Santa’s Sleigh Loading Team that you have been naughty, and that the required actions should be taken with respect to your presents.  Santa very much wants to visit your house and bring you the gifts his team has selected specifically for you, but his visit to your house is entirely dependent upon your behavior.

Fortunately, you have the power to influence ELBOW’s recommendation in this matter. Simply begin behaving in the polite, positive, and cheerful manner ELBOW knows you are capable of behaving, and ELBOW will once again recommend that you be included on the list of nice children.  Please feel free to write me or Santa at the address above should you have any questions or wish to let us know how you plan to address the concerns in this letter.

Thank you for your attention to this matter, and have a Merry Christmas.

Sincerely,

RUDYARD EARTOPS

Rudyard Eartops

Chief, ELBOW Communication Branch