Football...you complete me.

You know things have gotten boring in your life (or you've "matured") when one of the most exciting things about your Friday night is sitting down to write a blog post. Fuck me.

Don't get me wrong, my life's not bad. It's not like I'm Geoff. Saddled with twin newborns to take tend to. But, at least if I was Geoff I'd have a reason to be so boring. Then again, if I was Geoff, I'd also be trying to figure out how I was going to pay for that rectum reconstruction surgery...but that's another story for another day. In fact, I've probably already said too much.

I wrote that last night as my intro to this post. Then, all the sudden, my phone rang and within 15 minutes I was out drinking with friends of mine. And not just relaxing drinking. Drinking like a champion. Of course, I woke up today with a mammoth headache, but its nice to know the old guy's still got his fastball when he needs it.

- Its really popular to talk about how ugly and overdone Oregon's uniforms are (rightfully so) but Cincinnati's uniforms are absolutely fucking terrible as well. I'd expect more from a school that once had one of the top 5 uniforms in college basketball history.

- This just in: Greg McElroy is already better than John Parker Wilson ever was and Trent Richardson is already Alabama's best tailback. Somebody really needs to find out why Nick Saban never got charged with raping all those little Thai boys.

- You know why the SEC is great? Well, first off it produces more NFL talent than any other conference by a wide margin. Secondly, it features so many intriguing games from week to week. Seriously, name another conference where a game between the 4th and 6th best teams would be one of the weekend's top matchups? I don't believe you can. With that said, I'm willing to bet that LSU v. UGA will be the highest rated 3:30 game of the day. Sure, I'm a total SEC homer, but how can anyone logically say that its not the best conference in the country? It shouldn't even be a debatable topic at this point. Its like discussing contraceptives with Greg or rollercoasters with Rob. Its a waste of everybody's time.

- Speaking of LSU, they are in no way the #4 team in the country. In fact, I'm betting they lose 3-4 games this year. It's not that they don't have the talent. Its that Les Miles just isn't a good football coach. I've been saying this for years now. He was able to get by this long because he walked into a program that was stacked and still on the rise thanks to Nick Saban. He also had some decent coordinators running his offense and defense during the early part of his tenure. Well, guess what? Those coordinators are long gone and Ole Les has been there long enough now that his lack of coaching ability is finally starting to catch up with him and his program. Watch them today, its easy to see that they are an extremely talented yet extremely sloppy football team. I predict a disastrous 5-6 loss season for LSU within the next 3 years. I've had about enough of LSU. I think its about time we send them back to their days of mediocrity, or as we in the SEC call it, the 1980s, and I think Miles is just the guy to do it.

- One more thing about that LSU-UGA game. As far as individual matchups go, you're not going to get much better than AJ Green and Patrick Peterson. You could make the case that Green has surpassed Julio Jones as the best WR in the country. Even if you disagree with that, its nearly impossible to disagree with the notion that Green is by far UGA's best player. Peterson, on the other hand, is the rare "big corner" who has the hips and the speed necessary to matchup on the outside with premier receivers. It'll be a fun matchup to watch and its also highly likely that it could determine the outcome of the game.

- It was kind of fun to make light of Guz Malzahn after his ignominious exit from Arkansas but it sure looks like he's gotten the last laugh now. He turned Tulsa into an offensive juggernaut during the two years he was OC there and now he's taken an Auburn team that was an offensive abortion last year and has them in the top 5 in the country in total offense with essentially the same players (he's even down a couple starting WRS).

And you know what? Thank god for that, last year's Tennessee-Auburn game featured 15+ punts and virtually no offense to speak of. I'm not sure what we're going to get out of the Vol's offense tonight (other than lots and lots of screen passes) but I'm fairly sure Malzahn's offense will be worth watching.

- While I'm talking about that game, what are the chances that Gene Chizik hates Lane Kiffin? 75%? 90%? By all accounts, Chizik is a good football coach who's worked his way up and succeeded on his own merits while Kiffin has gotten where he is largely on his name and the jobs (USC, Oakland) that he's had. When you think back and realize that they faced each other in the 2005 BCS Championship (when Chizik was the DC for Texas and Kiffin the OC for USC) it seems even more likely. Remember, Chizik's team won that game. His reward? A head coaching job at Iowa State. As for Kiffin, well he became an NFL Head Coach. Yeah, that seems fair.

- Can somebody hire Tommy Tuberville already? Not only is a terrific recruiter and an underrated football coach. He's also so boring on television that I want to punch myself in the balls when I watch him if only to ratchet up the excitement level. Get Tuberville off my fucking TV already.

- You know who else needs to get off my TV? Marcellus Wiley. "Dat Dude" (Who the fuck told him he could give himself that nickname? ) is loud, annoying not particularly insightful and a fucking spaz to boot. Get him out of here, like yesterday.

- There's been entirely too much discussion about everybody's respective cable companies around these parts lately. Listen folks, all our cable companies suck (except those pinko commies over at Fios). Just shut the fuck up and deal with it already.

- I said it on Thursday but it bears repeating. West Virginia's offense would be awesome if they could master the concept of ball control (to be fair, its a bit complex for the academic environment in Morgantown). They have playmakers all over the field and run a tough system to prepare for. Jarret Brown is a good, versatile QB and Noel Devine is possibly the country's top offensive playmker (taking the baton from Percy Harvin who never got enough pub or credit during his time at Florida). I watched them do whatever they wanted to Auburn's defense in front of a raucous crowd of drunk Alabamians and was quite impressed. Except for the whole thing where they tossed 5 interceptions. Tough to win when you just give the ball to the opposing team there Bill.

As for that trip to Auburn, I think its now clear I'm not getting around to writing a diary of my trip up there for the WVU-Auburn game. I'll sum it up quickly for you here though. Lots of drinking, tons of girls in dresses with annoying accents, tons of guys in button down shirts with bad haircuts, very few black people, a torrential downpour that left me as soaked as I've ever been, free $300 tickets (club level) because of the torrential downpour, all the free stadium food you could eat (again, club level...I can't recommend this enough), a very exciting football game AND I met these two:



Okay, now onto the picks:

Auburn (+2)at Tennesee: I've already talked enough about this game. Crompton sucks. Chris Todd is pretty good and Auburn has the "winning Gene" (its a really bad yet immensely popular t-shirt in Auburn these days). War Eagle.

USC (-6) at Cal: As much as I doubt USC's legitimacy this year, I'm not comfortable putting my money on Cal. First, I don't trust Jeff Tedford. I can't trust somebody who's been responsible for the development of such luminaries as Trent Dilfer, David Carr and Kyle Boller. That's just how I roll. Plus, You know that USC will be playing inspired ball after what happened to Stafon Johnson this week. Worst injury ever? Worst injury ever. If I was you I'd take all my money and put it on Adam Duritz being interviewed whilst on the Cal sideline. Actually, I think his constant presence on their sideline sums up Cal's program pretty well. Miami has Uncle Luke and Cal has the lead singer of Counting Crows. At least they have good weed in Berekeley (and a white safety who's last name is Mohammed...you don't see that everyday). USC wins.