Your Weekly Half-Assed NCAA Football Picks

Here's (TJ's), since (somebody) clearly lied about setting up a post. Liar. Lying liar.

JMU @ Maryland (NL)
Consider this a poor man's William & Mary/UVA matchup, at least in terms of the relative academic pedigree of the participants. (We kid, honey, we kid.) It might bear watching, though, as the Colonial Athletic Association has shown emphatically this season that CAA also stands for Crushing ACC Also-rans. Fridge's Terps looked all kinds of ugly against Cal's swift roster, while Mickey Matthews' Dukes come off a Division IAA Final Four appearance looking to keep pace with their conference brethren. JMU is breaking in a pair of new quarterbacks after the sensational Rodney Landers graduated, which may prove problematic against Maryland's blitz-heavy defensive schemes. It says here that Maryland rebounds with an easy win over the purple and gold. But it also said here that W&M would lose by three touchdowns.

USC (-6) @ Ohio State, 8 PM in the 'Shoe.
OSU's Terrelle Pryor was born on June 20, 1989. USC's Matt Barkley was born on September 8, 1990. We can all take a moment now to feel very very very old. Deep breath...and...exhale. So let's get down to business. The Trojans have a young QB, but he's only a year younger than Pryor, who has only a few games under his belt, but a lot of crazy. Me thinks it may seem racist to play the Vince Young card with the young Pryor, but I'm gonna go there anyway. Expectations for Pryor are too high, and the team has lost the son of a Road Warrior, a stud RB and a stud DB. Their confidence is rattled after almost losing to an undersized squad with short hair and a lame mascot. USC is loaded up front, and their young LBs will hold down the fort against the perpetually choking Buckeyes. So sit back, enjoy Brent on the mike and take the Trojans to cover.

Notre Dame- Michigan:

If you are a reader of this blog (or if you went halves on a bastard with somebody who is friends with a staff member) then you might be wondering why I'm picking this particular game, given my SEC fandom and southern roots. Well that's easy. TJ's a skirt and is only picking Conference USA games. Yaaay! Uninformed opinions about games we won't watch and don't care about!!

That's the main reason. The other reason is because I'm saving my initial SEC picks of the year for next week when I'll be picking the Florida-Tennessee hatefest as well as the Auburn-West Virginia game (aka 'Redneckpalooza') and then heading off to watch...the Auburn-West Virginia game. Surprising huh? Believe me, I'm surprised too. Suffice it to say, a few late nights, a lot of whiskey and some ill advised wagers came into play.

As for this week, TJ told me to rip Michigan and DickRod. Well TJ...you can eat a bag of dicks. You don't get to tell me what to do. I'll rip whoever the fuck I want. Charlie Weis? That fat fuck had a gastric bypass surgery and he's still three of me. Jimmy Clausen? Where do I start? Well, he's fucking gay. And not just regular gay. We're talking anal beads and gag balls gay. Yep. And, he's a Clausen which makes him a despicable piece of noodle armed, tree hugging, California shit. I could go on forever when it comes to Notre Dame. I hate Notre Dame more than I hate any non-rival of Florida (and truthfully more than some lesser rivals).

I never really hated Michigan though. I hate that Rodriguez conned Denard Robinson into thinking he could really play QB at Michigan when he's just gonna end up playing some Wildcat and receiver...which he could've fucking done at Florida. I hate that Denard Robinson is dumb enough to play football in purposely unlaced cleats. I hate how boring and old Michigan's fans are. Sure, I hate all of those things. But I don't hate Michigan. Their fight song is pretty cool. I loved their helmets when I was a kid. Yeah, Michigan's alright with me.

So what does all this mean? Not a motherfucking thing. Notre Dame's going to win this game and they are going to win big. I don't even know the spread (6.5?). I just wrote this and emailed it to TJ. You might call that lazy. I call it confidence.