The Cauc Hop: Semifinal Results!

After a lengthy delay, the semifinals of G:TB's First (and likely last) Cauc Hop are in. The results were surprising, sensational, scintillating and superb. So without further Adu, let us reveal the results.

3rd Bass (4) vs. Eminem (1)

This battle between old-school and new-school hip hop stalwarts had the makings of a rout, with the higher seeded Marshall Mathers, master of the improv rhyme battle, seemingly ready to send 3rd Bass back to the section of Oblivion where they've resided over the last fifteen years. However, judges penalized Mathers early for re-using the "your dick is so small, when you try to take a piss, it runs all over your balls" joke he first penned as the character B-Rabbit in 8 Mile. Undaunted by the gravitas of his opponent, an angry MC Serch laid into Mr. Mathers with an unending onslaught of digs aimed at his fights with Insane Clown Posse, his newly waxed chest, his rhymes about closets and his publicly documented divorce.

With a stunned Eminem up against the ropes, Serch made the tag to an antsy Pete Nice. And, to nobody's surprise, Pete Nice kicked Em in the grill and delivered The Gas Face, leaving a dazed and confused and defeated Mathers to stumble back home to clean out some more closets.

In a monumental upset, the bastions of old-school hip hop revel in underdog 3rd Bass' upset victory over Eminem. 3rd Bass surprisingly moves into the finals.

Slug (14) vs. Beastie Boys (2)

In another match-up seen as a likely rout, the Beastie Boys did not disappoint. The trio brought the goods fast and hard, giving the most rapid beat-down seen since Mike Tyson pounded a terrified Michael Spinks into the canvas in 1988.

(Random editorial note - That fight happened in June 1988, meaning we are approaching the 21st anniversary of the fight. Feel free to start feeling very old now.)

Slug barely had time to take off his hoodie before being pummeled. The Beasties coast into the finals, leaving Slug to worm his way back to his hometown of Minneapolis.

So we are left with this final match-up for the Cauc Hop:

3rd Bass (4) vs. Beastie Boys (2)

Stay tuned for the review of this epic old-school battle...likely to come by 2011.