Twice in the last two days (and three times in the last month) Whitney's called me ('me' in this case, being rob) to serve as the arbiter of beer-fueled wagers. Let me offer a bit of guidance to all who may be otherwise inclined to bet against my larger, balder friend in matters of trivia: don't. Dude doesn't bet unless he knows he's right. Your bank account can thank me later.Now, if the bet concerns the outcome of sporting events, feel free to risk the kids' college funds (or the dogs' tattoo funds, in Mark's case). Whitney hasn't won a sports bet since he had hair.
All of which serves as a mostly random introduction to the final NFL picks of the season and the much-anticipated resolution of the GTB/Wheelhouse Gambling Challenge. When we left our mild-mannered heroes, the standings looked like this:
Wheelhouse
43-35-2
Gheorghe
43-36-1
Astoundingly, both mediocre inside-joke blogs are assured records better than .500. All that's left to decide is who picks up the tab at the annual (and mythical) blogger holiday luncheon. Here goes nothing.
Redskins (+3) @ Niners
Today's Washington Post was chock-full of heart-warming stories about the end of Jim Zorn's first year. Mike Wise even dropped a Rudy Ruettiger story on us. I wish I were kidding. Even a cross-country flight to play a game against a sorta hot team can't stop that a team fueled by that kind of saccharine treacle. Skins win outright.
Giants (+6.5) @ Vikings
There's no good reason for New York to even show up for this game and no good reason whatsoever to pick them. So we like the Giants in a Tom Coughlin Says 'Fuck Your Conventional Wisdom' Contrarian Special.
Cowboys (+1) @ Eagles
I have exactly zero respect for Wade Phillips' ability to motivate his team, and even less respect for Jerry Jones's recent vote of confidnce in the Cowboys' rotund head man. On the other hand, I have a lot of respect for Jim Johnson, and a whole buncha belief in the Eagles defense and its desire to make amends for the egg it laid in this season's first Cowboys/Eagles matchup. Philly ensures that Tony Romo remains winless in the postseason.
New England (-6) @ Buffalo
Dick Jauron's boys got all frisky last week to give the viewing public a tasty Broncos/Chargers Sunday night treat. But Nas will bow down to Karl Rove's mad mic skills before a Bill Belichick team loses to Buffalo with the playoffs on the line. Patriots win going away.
St. Louis (-14.5) @ Atlanta
Quoth TJ via text message, "U picked Atlanta to win by 100, right?" Hard to argue with that kind of forceful and measured logic. Although I admit to pausing for a moment when he called them the 'Flacons'.
you boys have less than 2 hours to fix these picks.
ReplyDeleteDon't fail me now Flacons.
ReplyDeleteLetting rob and me make the final five picks in such a close competition is absolutely a Bad Idea Jeans skit.
ReplyDeleteThere was no ship in the galaxy better than the Millennium Flacon.
ReplyDeletehan sloo was a baaaad man
ReplyDeleteIt's been too long since I cranked Flaco's "Rock Me Adameus" at high vloume.
ReplyDeleteuh oh. comedy rohmbus alert.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of comedy, if you haven't treated yourself to a viewing of The Flacon and The Snowman in a while, you're missing out. Ribon Williams is a geinus.
ReplyDeletei was always partial to the maltese flacon. humphrey bograt was a gaint.
ReplyDeletejoe falcco is gonna be bummed when he hears about this conversation.
ReplyDeleteUh oh...Rob beat me to it. I really hate when me and that midget think alike.
ReplyDeleteThe ongoing tiff between Mark and Rob amuses me. It reminds me of a feud on Flacon Crest.
ReplyDeleteMihcael Truner and the boys need to pick it up.
ReplyDeleteYeah, for all of our silliness, there's an actual football game that the team we picked is treating a bit like a joke right now.
ReplyDeleteI guess the players that petitioned for Jim Haslett's retention are actually playing hard to back it up. Neat!
Washington Sentinels QB Shane Flaco, also not amused.
ReplyDeleteAssholes.
ReplyDeleteThe Bills were not able to attempt a 25-yard FG at the end of the first half because two of their players were fighting with Pats defenders after the last play was over, and the last 12 seconds ran out while they were scuffling. Morons.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea what's happened to the Bucs' defense in the last four weeks, but its become painfully obvious that it sucks.
ReplyDeleteThat Bills snafu may cost the Jets a playoff spot. Not good times.
ReplyDeleteYou would never guess the Bucs are fighting for their playoff lives by watching their performance today. Same goes for the Bears.
ReplyDeleteG:TB plus iPhone is surprisingly effective.
ReplyDeleteAnd the magnitude of that Bills' fuck-up can't be underestimated. They should have kicked the figgie on third down.
I'm not even pissed with the way the Bucs are playing. I honestly don't really care if they make the playoffs.
ReplyDeleteIt's a very flawed football team that might be able to win one game in the postseason...might. There is absolutely no way they could do more than that. And that was before the defense tanked down the stretch. I'm more interested in the Dolphins game today. And I hate the Dolphins.
Agreed. Dick Jauron led by example by calling a run up the middle with 22 ticks and no timeouts left. The players picked up on his imbecility and took it to the next level with their own stupidity. Brilliance abound.
ReplyDeleteMike Singletary woulda kept both guys in the locker room for the second half. And maybe castrated them for effect.
Mark, I need the Bucs to win so I can root for the Iggles to beat Dallas so neither team gets in. I have a fair degree of passion for bad things to happen to the other NFC East teams.
ReplyDeleteSo get your boys to step it up, please.
Oh, and as for the Bucs' chances if they do make the postseason, the NFC playoff pool is littered with more excrement than Bushwood's. The Cardinals, Vikings, and most of whoever else might squeak in are seriously fallible.
ReplyDeleteWhitney, you're right. The NFC is extremely shitty. But believe me when I tell you that this Bucs team has gone from suck to blow.
ReplyDeletesomebody's gonna pay matt cassel $8m per next year. if you're the patriots and someone offers you 2 firsts and a third for brady, do you consider it?
ReplyDeleteBills now in Official Abort Mode. And I'm out of beer. 3 pm scotch, here we come.
ReplyDeletesammy morris. goodness.
ReplyDeleteYep. It's apparent -- the thought in most of the Bills' heads right now is how warm that locker room is going to be.
ReplyDeleteAnd you make the decision on Cassel now now but after you see whether he can lead the team into the playoffs and how they do. Brady's command in key moments was enormous. Cassel's mettle is being tested right now.
And speaking of alcohol, I am on Day 5 of a family-induced stretch of heavy boozing. Haven't actually started today, mainly because my hangovers are worsening every day, but I am off to help out my in-laws by taking care of the beer run for the evening. 3 cases for a casual family dinner should suffice.
ReplyDeleteStoopid fucking Bills.
ReplyDeleteAnd now the only 4pm game I get is the shitty Skins/49ers tilt.
Fuck fuck fuck.
Sabby Piscatelli...I think I love you.
ReplyDeletehmmm, the loins.
ReplyDeleteYeah, how is the Dallas/Philly game not on? I'm a really big Redskins fan (nod to the Wheelhouse), but that's not the game to watch today. They should just air Dallas/Philly and have a little ticker at the bottom of the screen saying, "Your team sucks, so you're watching better teams from another metropolitan area today. Deal with it."
ReplyDeletequick kick!
ReplyDeleteIts the same down here. CBS is airing the Jacksonville game instead of the Dolphins. Not having the NFL package is more and more indefensible by the day.
ReplyDeleteand wholeheartedly agreed on the programming angst. i couldn't care less about the redskins. not that unusual for me, come to think of it.
ReplyDeleteWow, another asinine playcall from Dick Jauron. For the rest of the day, we're pronouncing the word moRON in his honor.
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, the Bucs have sucked me back in.
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile our pals the Flacons have just blown a 10-point lead. That pick is nearly dead. Batsards.
ReplyDeleteSomehow, us NYC area folks are lucky enough to get Jints-Vikes and NE-Buff early, followed by Jets-Fins and Boys-Eagles late.
ReplyDeleteThe Jets got flexed to the late game this week, and I'm sure that's why we get 4 games.
And I've had a theory for some time that Dierdorf is a leather queer (not that there's anything wrong with that, Mr. Youkilis). Based on his "analysis" (emphasis on anal) today, I would have to guess that he wants to personally stuff Dick Jauron's stocking in the worst way.
The Indy-Tennessee "Let's Just Not Get Hurt" game is already over. I think they agreed to finish it up on Tecmo Bowl.
ReplyDeletebills are gonna get a cheap td here to hand victory to the weelhhouse.
ReplyDeleteThe Bucs are punishing Mark. Down 27-24 now.
ReplyDelete28-24, now that they get a bonus point for kicking the ball through the uprights after touching it down in the "end zone." New rule I assume.
ReplyDeleteWe need David Carr to lead the Giants to a 7+ pt win...ugh.
ReplyDeleteOr... Tarvaris Jackson could engineer a 7+ pt loss.
ReplyDeleteCarney's missed figgie won't help the Jints' cause.
ReplyDeleteBut if it makes you feel any better, there's no way the Jets cover at home. Terrible pick by the hosers in the Wheelhouse.
With New Orleans now winning, it looks like the Flacons could have acquired a first round bye by simply beating the 2-13, sorry, no-account Rams. Couldn't do it, though.
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile, the Bucs' D is atrocious. Michael Bush is running all over them.
Okay, now the Flacons came right back. I think they saw the CAR-NO score.
ReplyDeletegiants were getting points in that game, not giving.
ReplyDeletethe bucs and anyone that's ever rooted for them should be mortally embarrassed. me, i'm just pissed that the cowboys are in the playoffs. thanks, coach gruden, you teeth-grinding freak.
ReplyDeleteWhere did the Saints come from? They were down 30-10 last time I looked.
ReplyDeletebrees is within about 20 yards of marino's record. classic chuck and duck performance in coming from way behind.
ReplyDeleteWho would you rather have leading your team with less than a minute to go, Jeff Garcia or Jerry Garcia?
ReplyDeleteandy garcia
ReplyDeletehmmmmm
ReplyDeleteKarim Garcia.
ReplyDeletegabriel garcia marquez - they need some magical realism and fast.
ReplyDeleteneed(ed)
ReplyDeleteafter the early games, gtb is 2-1, while the house is 1-1. flacons did not hlep.
ReplyDeleteYes, I know.
ReplyDeleteSo guess what? I miraculously have a second CBS game. Is it my Jets? Of course not - its the fucking Ravens.
Rhymo, they just cut to Favre's typical pickle...more scotch, sir?
ReplyDeletei completely spaced on the fact that the eagles/cowboys game is now a play-in. sweet - the cowboys can still fail to make the tournament.
ReplyDeleteIggles are fucking destroying the Cowboys.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it fitting that Chad Pennington gets the QB sneak on 4th and inches to basically end this game and the Jets season...
ReplyDeleteA quick glance at Jerome's picks leads me to believe we are a Cardinals cover away from this competition ending freakin' tied after 17 weeks.
ReplyDeletei was just thinking the same thing, teej. it would appear to be a dead freaking heat. i think that calls for some sort of alcohol-based get-together next time whitney, mark, and rhymo are all in d.c.
ReplyDeleteRob, I think we're dummies. We went 3-1-1 I believe and the 'House went 2-3. One game win, cue the confetti...
ReplyDeleteJerry Jones has to fire Woeful Wade tomorrow, right?
ReplyDeleteyippee. we should celebrate by drinking next time whit, mark, and rhymo are in d.c.
ReplyDeleterob, it appears you'd like to have a drink with everyone next time they're in DC. Accurate statement?
ReplyDeleteI know I'm SUPPOSED to be fired up for the NFL playoffs, but next weekend's slate of games, as is the case with most wild card games in recent years, is a pile of mediocrity.
ReplyDeleteI will watch all of these games, but it's hard to get excited for Atlanta-Arizona and Indy-SD/Den on Saturday. Same for Baltimore-Miami and Philly-Minnesota. Indy and Atlanta are the only good teams in that bunch.
This Denver/San Diego game is going to be mighty entertaining.
ReplyDeleteOr, it's going to be a boring blowout.
ReplyDeleteaccurate statement, teej.
ReplyDeletealso, i'd like to make a premature statement of my excitement for thursday's outdoor hockey contest between the blackhawks and the red wings.
ReplyDeleteFrancisco Garcia told me to tell you guys to "fuck off". Not sure what that means, but whatever.
ReplyDeleteI am ashamed of the Bucs. But I'm proud of myself. I saw what was coming and went to play basketball for a couple hours. The Bucs blew it, like I figured, and I didn't have to witness it. I also finished up in time to catch the 2nd half of the Dolphins game w/ Vitas at a local bar, as well as catch a good glimpse of Dallas showing why they are the most pathetic, heartless team ever. It sounds shitty, but I'm happy to have a better draft pick. Now that Caddy is done (forever?) we should be scouting the shit out of rbs.
So...Denver's fucking horrible, huh?
ReplyDeletebut real genius is on something called g4. kent's about to speak with god.
ReplyDeleteOn the topic of Real Genius, there are a couple absolutely inexplicable elements to the movie. I wish I could demand answers to them.
ReplyDelete#1 - Who cast Mitch Kramer in that role? Couldn't they have come up with somebody better? There wasn't a Corey floating around? Or John Cusack? The kid's uncle must have been a producer who got him to work for scale.
#2 - The scene where the foxy cougar tries to seduce him makes absolutely no sense in the context of the movie. And, more importantly, why didn't he slip it in her? I remember watching that movie as a 12 year-old, thinking "Dude, you gotta hump that!" I guess he wanted to hold back and stick it in the goofy girl who looked a lot like Boof from Teen Wolf. I don't get that at all.
Seems like a perfectly normal reaction...
ReplyDelete(CNN) -- A man angry that a family was talking during a movie threw popcorn at the son and then shot the father in the arm, according to police in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
rhymo, the mitch/cougar scene serves to set up lazlo's triumphant final scene, but is otherwise a complete red herring. and i could not agree more with the casting. i was puzzling over that again last night. mitch is a black hole of charisma, but even worse, is completely outmatched by kilmer as an actor in every scene.
ReplyDeletealso, i believe day 12 and the chinese democracy review will be contained in the same post.
ReplyDeleteand finally, 3-0-1, bitches.
ReplyDeleteThose damn Flacons almost cost us the title.
ReplyDeleteSo Lazlo's wife at the end is the cougar Mitch turns away? This woman prowls around the campus of this school looking for somebody to fill her with nerd seed? Why didn't Williamsburg have ladies like that?
ReplyDelete