T.J. Helping T.J.

For some odd reason, T.J. Whosyourdaddy felt the need this week to guarantee that his 0-8 Bengals will not go winless this year:

Bengals wide receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh told Adam Schefter of NFL Network that his team, currently 0-8, will not finish this season 0-16. “If the season ends and we don’t win a game,” Houshmandzadeh said, “I will walk from my house to the NFL Network studios.”

In fact, in what can only be describe as sadly comical, he guaranteed the Bungles would win TWO games this year. Well, honestly, the guy might be dead wrong, but I thought we'd at least take a look at Cincy's remaining slate to see if we can find those two imaginary wins for my boy T.J...

Week 9: Jags come to town
The Jags just lost at home to Cleveland. Shaun Rogers single-handedly destroyed Jacksonville all day long. They will be one pissed off bunch this weekend. 0-9 here they come.

Week 10: Bye
Insert whatever lame bye joke you want here. Or whatever weird ass photo someone emails you.

Week 11: Eagles come to town
Well, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say Jim Johnson will blitz the shit out of Ryan Fitzpatrick. I imagine that will lead to a 12-31, 179 yds, 2 INTs line for Mr. Harvard...and yet another loss for Houshmandzadeh's Heroes.

Week 12: At Pittsburgh
Thursday nighter vs. Steely McBeam, having played (and most likely been mauled by Philly) four days earlier. If I may steal a phrase from the gents over at Mr. Irrelevant, the countdown to epic fail continues.

Week 13: Ravens come to town
Hold the phone. Might we have something here? Home game against a division rival, most likley 0-10 at this point, playing for pride (I would hope). Perhaps Joe Flacco gives this one away. Perhaps. We might've just found Win #1.

Week 14: At Indianapolis
The Colts will be desperately trying to make the playoffs. The Bengals will be coming off their first win of the season, which sadly will make their millionaire asses complacent. Colts in a laugher.

Week 15: The Skins come to town
As much as I would enjoy saying the Bengals win this one, I simply don't see it. But if they did win, man oh man would I want to catch Czabe Monday morning...

Week 16: At Cleveland
I know what you're thinking, here it is, Win #2. Not so fast my friend. By this point Carson's brother has been installed as Cincy's QB and his game proves to be Leaf-esque. A pick 6 or two, some fumbles...in fact he almost gets Houshmandzadeh decapitated on one throw early in the game. Browns win, setting up this doozy...

Week 17: Hosting the Chieves...get the Futility Bowl t-shirts ready
Honestly, at this point, we could be watching 1-14 vs. 1-14. The Bengals should intentionally lose this game if that's the case. But they won't, and will muster enough offense to beat the hapless Chiefs, who for shits and giggles replace Herm at halftime with Ty to see if anyone notices. They don't. Jordan Palmer outduels Tyler Thigpen. Laughter and tears and vomiting follow.

So T.J., we did it man. I got you to 2-14 (though I still think you should tank and end up 1-15, but what do I know). Something to be proud of, I guess. And seriously, if Marvin Lewis doesn't get fired after this season, I demand a full investigation into what blackmail material he has on owner Mike Brown.