G:TB's Week 5 NFL Picks: The Keyser Soze of Sex

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist. And like that... he is gone.

Seattle at NY Giants (-7.5)
No Plaxi, no laundry. Seattle’s D keeps them in this one, forcing the Giants to run the ball for small chunks of yards. While I don’t expect the ‘Hawks to win, this will be a game of ball control and field goals (and probably a couple turnovers per side). Giants 16, Seahawks 13.

Indianapolis at Houston (+3.5)
This line offends me. I can only assume Peyton Manning will take exception as well. The Colts have had 2 weeks to rest and iron out the early season wrinkles. Our boy Steve Slaton will probably have over 150 multipurpose yards, but the Texans’ dormant passing attack will rear its ugly head once again. And they’ll need to air it out if they hope to stay with the baby horses. No chance. Colts win 31-13.

Chicago @ Detroit (+3)
Martin Mull, Martin Lawrence, Martin(a) Navratilova, Ricky Martin, Martin Gramatica, Billy Martin, Martin McFly, Steve Martin, Mark Martin, Martin Scorcese, Martin Brodeur, and Martin Van Buren all have the same chance of guiding the Lions to success this season as new GM Martin Mayhew. Except Gramatica. He's awful. Bears cover big.

Atlanta at Green Bay (-7)
I like Green Bay to cover at home against Atlanta. Matt Ryan has yet to impress me, while Rodgers and his sneaky enormous nose have shown something. Too many folks are quick to dismiss the Pack's chances with a banged-up Rodgers or a green Matt Flynn at the helm. Look for the Pack to remind folks that the Falcons suck. (Note - Rhymo is far too busy rescuing the American economy from sure catastrophe, or at least from a severe reduction in bonuses to Wall Street execs, to give us his normal biting humor. Funny stuff to resume next week, pending restoration of America's financial might.)

Sorry I'm late but trying to get TJ and Rob to effectively communicate is like trying to get Nick Saban to stop spreading baby blood on his English muffins in the morning...a lost cause. Anyway...

Cincinnati (+17) @ Dallas
You know how you can tell this is one of those really strange NFL seasons? J.T. O'Sullivan isn't the league's least likely multi-week starting QB less than halfway through the season. No, that honor goes to Harvard's own Ryan Fitzpatrick. Sure, Carson Palmer's listed as questionable but the only thing questionable about Palmer this week is whether or not he's going to even bother wearing a headset to hear the offensive calls while on the sideline this Sunday. Why in God's name isn't he doing everything short of fucking Marvin Lewis' St. Bernard in order to get traded away from this moribund franchise? I understand that he's the franchise player and all, but I bet he could manage to convince the Bengals to trade him if he cut a hole in the top of Levi Jones' car and pissed all over the interior. Is that completely wrong and over the top? Yes. Would it be worth it to get the hell out of the seventh level of football hell he currently resides in? Fuck and yes.

I mean, he does realize he's wasting the prime of his career playing in a shitty town on a team full of miscreants and uninspired jackasses whilst being coached by the most overrated coordinator this side of Dave Wannstedt, right? Honestly, has any coordinator turned one great season into a more lucrative career than Lewis? Are we really so sure that Wade Phillips or Dick LeBeau couldn't have done just as good (or better) of a job with that absolutely loaded Ravens defense? Nothing I've seen in the past 7 years has me convinced. What I'm saying here is, despite the completely ludicrous line, take the damn Cowboys.