G:TB's Week 1 NFL Picks

Yeah, so we're "battling" the gents at the Wheelhome this season in a NFL picks competition. Trust me, it's just as unexciting as you might think. In fact, only two of us even bothered to do picks this week...our 5 games are below (though I think Dennis mentioned a 6th pick before he goes and plays 18 today). Enjoy...by the way, did you know G:TB is now huge in Finland?

Dennis grabs the microphone...

Arizona (+2.5) at San Fransisco:
There won't be a heck of a lot of defense played in this one. And, if you're the 9ers, not much offense either - with apologies to Mr. Martz. Bringing in Isaac Bruce's bones will make for a fun slurp fest at midfield during pre-game warm ups, but isn't going to help San Fran win this game. And I'm not going to even mention JT O'Sullivan.

Kurt Warner threw for nearly 500 yards and 2 TD's against the 9ers last season, and will likely throw for somewhere near 400 against his old pals in this one. He has arguably the best 1-2 receiving corps in the league and an underrated running game (how quickly we look past Edge's 1200 rushing yards last year) to keep an extra guy in the box.
Cards win big: 31-13.

And now Mark puts down the bong long enough to type some words...

Buccaneers (+3.5) @ Saints:
I was extremely worried about this game earlier this week when Gustav seemed poised to destroy what was left of New Orleans. I mean, I think we all saw how much winning a season opening football game could mean to the good people of the Crescent City. Well, not the real people within the city but the corporate big wigs and those from outside the city limits who could actually afford to go to the game because they weren't too busy salvaging the pieces of the broken lives out from diseased water. I mean, Harry Connick, Jr. cried on Tony Kornheiser's shoulder at least three times that fateful night. And then he brought a huge barrel of crawfish over for all his friends who still don't have a dining room table or a refrigerator to store their leftovers in. It was an amazing night. You should've been there. Me and Branford Marsalis got so high...Oh right, football. The Saints added Jeremy Shockey this offseason because Sean Payton has a hard on for side dishes on the offensive side of the ball. Now they've got another guy who can't be counted on to carry the offensive load but will certainly film a commercial for Get Out and Geaux's Used Car Emporium (think Eastern Motors with a touch more racism). I'm not buying a huge Saints resurgence this year but I also don't think that the Bucs can recreate last year's early season magic again. Not with Earnest Graham so worried over Teddy Dupay's rape trial and Chris Simms no longer around to administer pregame "massages" to keep Joey Galloway And Jeff Garcia relaxed. Tampa's defense will once again be stout but Barrett Ruud, Derrick Brooks and Ronde Barber can't score enough to lead the Bucs to victory. Saints win, and cover.

Jets (-3) @ Dolphins:
Man, this is gonna be sweet. Well, not as sweet as the love that Lavernues Coles and Chad Pennington are going to make on Saturday night but still very, very sweet. You know what's fun to do whenever you watch a game featuring Chad Pennington? Make really girly sounds like, "ehhgh" whenever he releases a pass. It adds a level of comedy that really enriches the experience. I mean, it won't be as fun as reading Geoff metaphorically stomp his feet and pout like a spoiled 3 year old all year long as the Redskins roll up a 5-11 record, but it will hold you over until Monday morning when he jumps on the Wheelhouse and recycles the shit he heard on talk radio on the way into work. Just stick to talking about belts and shoes and handbags you closet case and leave the football analysis to Jerry. Annnyway, the Dolphins are gonna win 6 games this year and the first one is coming gift wrapped courtesy of drunk Uncle Brett (Does anybody really believe he doesn't drink anymore?) and the 3 picks he's throwing on Sunday. Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, Miami Dolphins number 1! God, I hate that fucking song.

Cowboys (-4) @ Browns:
If you haven't noticed, I'm doing most of the picks today. Why? Well, Rob's a lazy little dictator, TJ's hungover and Whitney's busy masturbating at Joe Strummer's grave. (I know...he's gayer than Brady Quinn and Jimmy Clausen combined.) This seems like the week's most interesting matchup on paper but I doubt it works out that way in the end. The Browns looked like a train wreck in the preseason and its too early for the Cowboys to feel the pressure and choke. I doubt things will be as bad in Cleveland Brown Stadium as they were during last year's season opener but I think the 'Boys will win this thing by double digits. On the bright side, one of my friends is a Browns season ticket holder and he says there's a strip club right around the corner from the stadium with NFL Ticket where all the strippers dress up in slutty referee and football uniforms on Sundays. Now, I'm sure they probably weigh a buck fifty (it is Ohio after all) but at least they aren't double fisting Salami sandwiches like the rest of the women within a 50 mile radius of Cleveland. Cowboys.

Vikings (+3) @ Packers:
Do you ever watch Intervention? That show is fucking awesome. Every week its some new basket case who can't get out of bed without drinking a liter of vodka, or smoking a gram of meth or inhaling an entire can of electronic duster. I shit you not. This one girl a couple weeks ago would knock back 8-10 cans of duster a day. She basically whored herself out for duster. I don't want to say I was impressed, but I mean you kind of have to admire somebody who's so dedicated to getting high. Its not just her either, all of the people featured on this show are fucking 'bout it. I feel like such a light weight whenever I watch this show. Hell, if I run out of booze or weed or scotch guard, I just cut myself. These folks just won't take no for an answer. Kind of like Brad Childress, this mustachioed asshole just refuses to admit he'll never lead the Vikings to a playoff victory with Tavares Jackson rubbing up on Matt Birk's taint every Sunday in the fall. With that said, the Vikings defense is terrific, Adrian Peterson's a monster and either Sidney Rice or Bernard Berrian are good for one deep ball a game so Minnesota's still the best team in this shit show of a division. Take the Vikings, and the under.

Game on Jerome and Geoffrey. Game on.