I Hate Myself for Loving You

“My name is Rob, and I’m a fan of the Washington Redskins and the Alabama Crimson Tide.”

“Hi Rob!”

An Alcoholics Anonymous-style greeting seems appropriate, as the current incarnations of my two favorite football squadrons fill me with a self-loathing I can only assume equals that of a drunk on a week-long Mad Dog 20/20 bender who wakes up next to a snaggle-toothed, tattooed (and not in a good way) barmaid named Doris, with a vaguely unpleasant burning sensation in his manparts and an unexplained ring on his finger.

In Dan Snyder and Nick Saban, my gridiron faves boast two of American sports’ most megalomaniacally disagreeable personalities, and I’ll not mince words: their presence makes my fandom less enjoyable. These are franchises that were once led by legends epic in their impact on the game and their teams. Jack Kent Cooke and Bear Bryant were larger than life, giants who could do no wrong, even when they did wrong. To say the current regimes pale in comparison redefines the concept.

Nonetheless, we’ve got good, old fashioned American football on the television in 8 short hours, and just like my GTB colleagues, I’m all kinds of pumped to hear the roar of the crowd, boom of the bass drum, and crack of pad on pad contact. And so, in an effort to distract myself and fight off the urge to self-mutilate, let’s talk football.

Alabama vs. Clemson (- 4.5)

I keep trying to convince myself that the Tide’s the right side in this one: SEC>ACC, Saban>Tommy Bowden, Crimson & Cream>Orange & Purple. But I just don’t believe in this Alabama team. Clemson’s got exceptional talent at the skill positions, and is one of the few ACC squads with the speed to compete evenly with SEC teams. Saban will almost certainly be able to cheat his way to a few extra scores (starting with frosh wideout Julio Jones – we don’t really think that Escalade he’s driving came from Mom and Dad, do we? A joke, friends. We kid.), but I’m still not sold on John Parker Wilson as a big-time talent. He’s tougher than most kids with that SEC fratboy hair flop, but he’s not an elite signal-caller, despite what the good people of Birmingham tell themselves at cocktail parties. As much as it pains me, I like Clemson and the points.

Southern Cal @ UVA (+18.5)

Somewhere, a bunch of dipshits wearing blue blazers, orange and blue rep ties, and a misplaced sense of entitlement are gripping handles of Virginia Gentleman and believing their Wahoos have a snowball’s chance in hell against USC. Somewhere else, Gryffindor prepares for its’ epic Quidditch match with Slytherin. The latter is based more in reality.