Looks like it's time to break out the O.J. jersey

In recent years I have tried to tone down my obsession with one Orenthal James "O.J." Simpson and his hunt for the "real killers," but this snippet I saw on Ben Maller yesterday was simply too much to pass up. It's difficult to justify continually making light of a brutal double homicide, but this caricature of a human being warrants tongue-in-cheek mockery at all times.

Apparently, in O.J.'s fictional (cough, gag, vomit in mouth) book If I Did It..., the former 2,000 yard rusher and member of Police Squad! accuses a man named "Charlie" of killing Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman on that fateful night in 1994.

Seriously Juice, this is what you came up with? Well, if that's the story he's sticking to, I figured the least I could do was narrow the list of possible suspects down for him. O.J., I hope you're reading this, because one of these Charlies is most definitely your killer:

O.J.'s Charlie List

Charlie Sheen - Hell, he's killed his career at least twice. And a couple of marriages to boot. Why not Nicole and Ron? In fact, has anyone seen Emilio lately?

Charlie Hough - Death by knuckleball? Sure, why not? I guess that makes Phil and Joe Niekro the Menendez brothers.

Charlie Rose - Bored Nicole and Ron to death interviewing Salman Rushdie.

Charlie the Tuna - Always up to something fishy (I know, just plain awful).

Charli(z)e Theron - Don't let her beauty fool you. You saw Monster, right?

Charlie Heston - Soylent Green is People. In this case, Soylent Green is Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. He parted the Red Sea, and possibly parted Nicole's head from her torso.

Charlie Murphy - Getting bitchslapped by Rick James and trounced in pickup hoops by Prince's Blouse Squad can drive a man to do strange things. The Darkness lives up to his name.

The Viet Cong - Charlie don't surf, so no one's looking for him in SoCal. (I don't want to skew the voting, but this is by far my favorite)

Charlie Steiner - What Ron and Nicole didn't realize was "Follow me to freedom" meant "Follow me to a dark alley where I could quietly cut your melons off."

Charlie Bronson - After visiting a West Hollywood psychic in June of '94, Bronson becomes enraged to learn that not one, but two, rip-offs of his classic Death Wish film will be released in September of '07. Add that to the fact he never truly recovered from trying to tunnel out of a Nazi labor camp for months and we have a recipe for disaster.

Charlie Chaplin - Like Snake Eyes, a silent and deadly assassin capable of anything. Little Tramp, my arse.

Charlie Schwab - "Talk to Chuck... right over here, in this dark, deserted corner of the alley where only a dog can witness the deadly shenanigans about to take place."

Charlie Norris - O.J. read this on the internet and believed it: "O.J. didn't do it, Chuck Norris kicked O.J. in the face on the set of Naked Gun IV and his ex-wife's head fell off"

Charlie E. Cheese's - Little known fact: Ron and Nicole actually died in a ball pit.

Charlie Nelson Reilly - ...with the man scarf... in the Turkish bath house... while gleefully exclaiming, "Say, there!"

Charlie Babbitt - He's an excellent knifer. He's an excellent knifer.

Charlie Daniels - He's been consortin' with the devil since '79.

Charlie Dickens - David Copperfield. The magician. Someone had to pay.

Charlie Grodin - Forced Ron and Nicole to watch five minutes of his short-lived talk show. They killed themselves after two.

Charlie Chan - Anyone who wears a white suit after Labor Day makes this list.

Charlie in Charge - In charge of our days, and our nights...and of sleeping with Nicole, as well as every other woman in the 310 area code.

Charlie de Gaulle - A blonde woman and a waiter? Too powerful a force for Frenchie. Best to surrender, mes amies. Off the list.

Charlie Brown - If you were a prepubescent boy and already bald, PLUS you had to deal with that witch Nicole... er, Lucy... wouldn't you teach her and Ron... er, Schroeder... a lesson? This blockhead is capable of a lot of scary things. In this scenario, Linus is Kato and Snoopy is A.C. Good grief.

Charlie Hustle - Now there's a reason not to get into the Hall...

Charlie Bucket - Tour of a Chocolate Factory with that midget-hoarder and pedophile will cause a small child to kill. Golden ticket my ass.

Charlie Manson - Too obvious? Nothing is too obvious when it comes to this case, is it, Chewbacca?

Charlie Kurault - On the road, in a motor home, telling stories of kindly people in small towns. Running from Johnny Law and his sordid past.

Prince Charlie - Friggin' royals. Escaped capture that fateful night by riding his monstrous ears to safety.

Charlie Barkley - Errant golf shot did the damage. Plus, you saw what he did to Barney back in the day, right?

Charlie Darwin - You see, it's nature's way of weeding out the weaker elements to off a pair of unsuspecting citizens... obviously, Darwin felt there were too many blondes married to ex-jocks and dumb waiters who keep misplacing their glasses.

The Charlie's Angels Charlie - Most don't know that his unseen character was voiced by football star turned actor O.J. Simpson. Wait...

All right, dearest readers, who'd I miss? Who's the real killer amongst this distinguished roster? Seriously, O.J. has a lead - we just need to follow it until we end the mystery.

By the way, I'd like you all to know this might be the most fun I've had on a post...well, ever.