Gheorgies,
I have a bit of a conundrum. There's a retired guy that is often at my local YMCA. I don't want to dox him, so let's call this fellow Karen.
Karen talks to everybody. I occasionally see him jawing in the weight room, but the locker room is where he prefers to work. In fact I've probably mentioned him before in the comments as the guy who played The Rush Limbaugh Show at high volume on his phone speaker in the locker room (rest in piss, el rushbo). He wears a red hat to the gym sometimes. Yes, the standard issue version.
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| There are lots of Karens. This is the one I'm referring to. |
I make it a practice to simply ignore Karen when I see him. If I had to break down the percentages for my reasons to ignore him, I'd put it at 69% due to loudcasting his support for toxic politics and 31% not wanting to risk catching a glimpse of Karen's tiny flaccid pecker.
Today, while I was chatting with someone else Karen piped up with a comment about 'topics that set him off'. "Give us a warning of what they are so we can avoid them" I said as I finished getting on my workout clothes. I'm not sure what came next was exactly the warning I'd requested.
Gheorghies, he Karened. "I wanna know how that Ilhan Omar went from having no money to having $30 million! I think we need to throw her in jail for 20 years and then deport her..." I imagine he kept going, but I started walking as soon as he started his diatribe. It did call to mind a revenge fantasy I may or may not have imagined in the past.
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| Apparently only some politicians are allowed to have money. |
And Gheorghies, that's where you come in. What's a fair comeuppance for this locker room Karen? I'll share my diabolical idea first, and accept suggestions in the comments for other more sensible measures. This is all strictly hypotheical, of course.
Proposal A - Fill small squeeze bottle with urine and keep it stashed in the back of my locker, until I find myself there alone, at which point I discharge the squeeze bottle of piss into one of the vent holes in Karen's locker. A budget version golden shower, if you will.
Surely there are some drawbacks to this plan. I know it's gross. But I'm also ridiculously hydrated most of the time, so I also worry it may not be gross enough.
I should also add - the linked financial disclosure does not say the Congresswoman has $30 million, but her stake in a winery and her husband's VC firm add up to that amount if you use the highest value figure for each.
ReplyDeleteSome cursory research suggests the VC firm may not be worth much, but I'm no expert.
eat aspargus every day and you'll be gross enough. does the locker room have cameras?
ReplyDeleteyour tribe in boston to play a historically poor northeastern squad. let's see which version of the wrens shows up.
ReplyDeleteAsparagus piss would be truly diabolical. Thanks, devil on my shoulder.
ReplyDeleteDidn’t someone do something like this to someone’s Geo Metro?
ReplyDeletevirginia wesleyan university is changing its name to batten university. i assume my lacrosse statistics from when i ran rampant against them in the late 80s/early 90s will still remain in their record books. three goals and two assists in two games against the erstwhile marlins.
ReplyDeleteyou know what smells worse than asparagus piss? cat piss.
ReplyDeletetribe handled their business emphatically. 94-67, good guys.
ReplyDeleteJane Batten also gave W&M’s Virginia Institute of Marine Science $100 million last year. Largest donation ever for Dubyanem. She’s good people. And has more money than a lot of people. Maybe she should be deported.
ReplyDeletetrue that their sports teams will be known as the batten hatches?
ReplyDeleteBatten Balls
ReplyDeleteAt the center of campus they have the Batten Belfry. It’s crazy.
ReplyDeletewhit woke up feelin’ it
ReplyDeletethis dude is doing a real life Family Guy "What Really Grinds My Gears" bit
ReplyDeleteHappy Friday the 13th, everyone. Watch yourselves.
ReplyDeleteThere is a fairly rote piece of cinematic trivia that people like to drop on Friday the 13th. Kevin Bacon acted in the very first horror film of the same name. Everybody knows that by this point. But when some nerd tries to impress you with that today, go ahead and five-up them with my permission.
Other actors who also appeared in at least one of the Friday the 13th films:
- Corey Feldman (multiple)
- Crispin Glover
- Ron Palillo, whom you know as Horshack
- Terry Kiser, whom you know as Bernie
- David Cronenberg, famous sci-fi horror director for films like The Dead Zone and The Fly
Now ya know. And likely don’t care.
But care you had better! It’s Friday the 13th!
and Rootsy, I have ideas
ReplyDeletebig rivalry every year is the mount-batten battle against mount saint mary’s
ReplyDeleteI just apologized to the guy I left getting berated by Karen yesterday. It was not my intent, but some others chimed in to express their weariness at his bullshit.
ReplyDelete